Banana Men

Five minutes earlier, a tall lady in canary yellow dress, with matching strappy sandals and handbag had swaggered into his bar, long blonde hair swinging in a pony-tail behind her back. She had swung up to the bar, and launched herself onto one of the high stools, and knocked her ankle against the metal bar that surrounded the bar. After a slight “Oww,” she regained her composure, placed her handbag on the bar counter and made eye contact with Bill.

Bill’s jaw had nearly hit the floor when he saw her. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on, apart from maybe Elle MacPherson. Immediately, he went over to her, and asked what he could fix for her. Hoping she’d reply “Me” or “My broken heart”, he wasn’t exactly expecting her to order the Saturnus. Saturnus? Right, he’d heard of that cocktail before, but wasn’t exactly certain of what went in, and in what doses. Not wanting to look like a complete dork, he snuck the encyclopaedia of cocktails under his black jacket, which was a difficult task, as the book was nearly 2000 pages long. Then he slunk off to the back room, claiming that he needed a new carton of orange juice. Orange juice went in everything, couldn’t got wrong with adding orange juice.

In the back room, Bill withdrew his weapon and searched the index for a Saturnus. Finally he found it nestled between Satan’s Whiskers and a Singapore Sling. The recipe read: “Over ice cubes pour one part gin, one part bianco vermouth, two parts crème de banane and four parts orange juice. Top up with chilled champagne.”

Sorted. Bill returned to the dimmed light of the bar, armed with the orange juice he had allegedly gone in search of. He started mixing the drink. He was on the verge of throwing the crème de banane bottle around in the style of Tom Cruise from the film ‘Cocktail’, when the bananas attacked. The bottle slipped from his hand, and landed on it’s side with a simultaneous swish and a thud on the bar as he saw the first banana pointing a gun at him. Bill put his hands in the air, as the second banana waving a shiny silver axe in the air appeared in the door. Three more bananas followed, brandishing a samurai sword, a shotgun and an eight point throwing star. By this time, Bill was cowering behind the bar, not being able to make a good impression in front of the blonde lady, who sat there as if this happened to her last week, and she was bored of it now. She lit a cigarette and spun round on her stool. A wide smile greeted the bananas, and she stood up to leave. Before she left, she went up to the leader of the banana bunch and placed a pink lipstick mark on his yellow cheek.

The star was the first weapon to be used, spinning through the air, missing all the bananas, and hitting the counter in front of Bill. Then the bananas ganged together and approached the bar.

“Can I help you gentlemen…urm…bananas?” Bill trembled. The 8 point star was still twanging in the wood in front of him.

“No, you can’t help us. No one can help us.” The leader said, and he squeezed the trigger on his silver pistol.

Bill saw the yellow of the banana cream before his body slipped behind the bar. Still alive, yet dazed and in pain, Bill was horrified to see the bananas surrounding him, and the axe hanging above his body. This was when the loud “Ahhhhhhhhhhh” came out, but there was no one around to hear him. The last thing he smelt was the crème de banana being poured over his face and body.

“You know banana trees – not the ones in jungles, in warm places, but the ones you can get nowadays for hanging bananas on to ripen. They’re like a stand with a hook, like banana hooks.”

“Yeah, my friend bought one for Rachel’s wedding present last year. Why do you ask?”

“Well, why don’t you just have a giant banana hook a huge one. Get them in their banana suits and then hang them in a kind of chainsaw massacre kind of savage brutal banana murder on meat hooks, but they’re banana hooks instead.”

“I can’t stand meat hooks. Just the thought of it makes me squirm. Just watching that scene in Kalifornia where they have the room with all the meat hooks and stuff – Eugh. And Chainsaw Massacre I thought I was going to spew after he put that girl just hanging there, with the hook going through her neck and head. Aw, look what you’ve done now, you’ve made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I have this pain thing in the back of my head as a sympathy pain already!! No, I can’t get rid of the banana men in that way. I mean, I don’t even think I could even if I wanted to. I just don’t want them following me around anymore.”

“The banana men have been stalking you for 3 weeks now. When if first started, I thought it was a prank, something students would do, but now, it’s been going on too long. I think the banana men are out to get you….”

“Ah stop it, you know it’s just Mike, Steve, Phil, Andy and Jason having a laugh, and if they want to run around looking silly, then that’s up to them. Yellow does suit Steve though.”

“But what if it isn’t. I mean have you actually seen them close up? They’re a bit too tall to be the guys don’t you think?”

“No, it’s just excess stalk or whatever that black bit at the top of bananas is.”

“I just want you to be careful, that’s all.”

“I will, mum.”

“Seriously Sarah, take my mobile phone when you go out tonight, even if it’s just to call me to say you need picking up or whatever. Jason and I are having a night in tonight, so you can find out finally if it is the lads or not. They’ll only be 4 in the bunch if it is them.”

“I’ll give you a call when I get in OK?”

“OK.”

“Wow, Sarah, you look amazing.”

“Thought I’d go the full hog for this fancy dress thing. Do you like the stilletoes? I don’t think I can dance for long in them though.”

“What are you supposed to be?”

“I thought we said we were going to go as assault and battery, that’s why I’ve got the Duracell marks on me, and the copper top. I must have hallucinated that conversation”

“I vaguely remember you saying something about going as assault and battery, but I did tell you at the time that I already had the Marilyn Monroe outfit, and that I couldn’t be bothered to go shopping for new stuff.”

“Alrighty.”

“Is any of the rest of the gang turning up? I know Jason’s stuck at home with Jennifer, cos she wanted to watch the “Friends” night on telly.”

“I think Steve will be turning up, but Andy’s got a hot date with an older woman, and Phil’s working at the milkshake factory tonight. He needs the money to go and see that American bird he met on the Internet.”

“So I’m not going to be hounded by bananas tonight then?”

“Bananas?”

“Mike, come on, I know it’s you guys in the banana suits.”

“Seriously Sarah, I don’t know anything about any bananas – I can’t even stand the fruit.”

“Yeah right.”

Both of them dismissed the conversation, and started walking to the party.

“Where are you parked now? Haven’t seen your hairy arse around here for ages.”

“How do you know my arse is hairy.”

“I was kind of hoping it wasn’t.”

“Jen…”

“Yes….”

“Can I borrow your pink wig for next Friday’s “Grease 2” party pleeease?”

“I was going to wear it, but I think you’d look better in it, and I’ll wear my black leather and go as a T-Bird instead.”

“Cool.”

“By the way Jas, thanks for staying in with me this weekend. I’m still feeling a bit ill, and couldn’t deal with all the mayhem of a Union party.”

“That’s OK. What time does Friends start anyway, and have you got the popcorn?”

“Around 8 ish, and there’s loads of nibbles in the fridge, when I can be bothered to move.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll just go grab some crisps or something from the kitchen.”

Jason got up and left Jennifer watching the adverts on television.

He wondered through the corridor, and finally, after pushing a few too many locked bedroom doors, found the right door, the door to the kitchen, the haven where girls from the Cathedral block actually cooked. What they produced wasn’t necessarily cordon bleu, but it was edible.

As he entered he kitchen, a flash of yellow passed his eyes, and ran towards the cooker.

“What the….”

His words were cut off, as a tall banana pierced his stomach with a carving knife. Blood gurgled up his throat and spurted from his lips. This was so unfair, he was really looking forward to those crisps.

“Friends” was just about to start, and Jason hadn’t returned from the kitchen. He’d been gone for nearly 15 minutes. What was he doing? Making a banquet? Jennifer had had enough, and decided it was time to go and see what her boyfriend was up to in the kitchen. You never know, he may have run into the amazingly fabulous looking Fay, and have been swept off his feet, but hopefully she was out tonight, and wouldn’t have the opportunity to seduce her boyfriend.

“Jason?” She called down the hallway. “Jason…”

It was far too quiet, but she didn’t know if that was just because it was Friday night, and everyone was out, but it had eeriness to it.

Finally she reached the kitchen. She couldn’t hear the sound of pots and pans rattling, and so figured he couldn’t be cooking anything too extravagant. Slowly, she pushed the door open. She could smell bananas, and hoped that Jason was making her her favourite desert - a banana split. But the split she did see was completely disgusting. Jason lay on the floor, with a slit up his stomach from just below his sternum, right down to his trouser line. Inside, mingled with the blood was ice cream, topped with spray cream, and a cherry on top, and he was surrounded by a shroud of peeled bananas.

She ran out of the room, shrieking. After the compulsory girly scream and trembling crying, she managed to attract the attention of the only other person in the building – the nerd – Jane, who had been busy reading up on molecular science, when she’d heard the scream. Jane looked in on the kitchen, and turned very pale, but decided it was time to put all that theory she had learnt into practice, and checked for a pulse. Unfortunately there wasn’t one, so the next step was to call the University security department, who would, after they’d finished their cups of tea and chocolate biscuits come trundling over in their little white van. Jane was certain Jenny was still behind her when she was talking on the phone to the tired security man, but when she turned around, Jenny wasn’t there.

Jennifer trembled at the pay phone in the lounge. “Pick up the phone Sarah.” She said out loud. “Come on…Pick up.”

The mobile phone rang in a bag in a crowded, noisy student union bar. Sarah didn’t hear it.

Jenny ran to the rescue.

"Wow, I can’t recognise anyone here. Is that Mandy in the Pink Panther outfit? She’s the only person I know who could look that skinny. Oooo and that has to be Tony dressed in the gorilla outfit, with Fay as Fay Wray. I need a drink.”

“What do you want? Half a cider, ta.”

“Coming right up me lady.”

Mike vanished into a sea of fluff and feathers, sequence and leather, leaving Sarah to talk to a turtle who was considering re-mortgaging and getting a summer home too.

Five minutes passed, and the turtle was starting to get a bit boring.

Ten minutes passed, the introduction to “It’s Raining Men” swept Sarah onto the dance floor accompanied by a heard of wildebeest men, and a gaggle of assorted blonde actresses.

Twenty minutes later, and still no sign of Mike, and they were playing his favourite song – “Atomic” by Blondie.

Half an hour was really the most anyone could wait for a cider, so Sarah decided to go off in search of her battery man. After searching the bar unsuccessfully, she figured that he’d probably gone to get some cigarettes, and went off down the stairs towards the Gents toilets and the cigarette machine. She was stunned by the sight. Mike was hung up on the door to the Gents toilets by a sword that went straight through his stomach and the blue door. A banana was sticking out of his mouth, and another from his trouser fly. She was screaming in her head, but it took a while for the screams to be emitted from her mouth. She was just about to get on her knees and start sobbing loudly in the hope that someone would hear her, when she heard a noise coming from the corridor ahead of her. There she saw the 5 banana men. Dressed head to toe in yellow and black furry outfits, grinning evilly, and standing with their hands behind their backs to conceal their weaponry, they were arranged in a V shape, like skittles at a bowling alley.

“Get her!” The front banana shouted dramatically.

Why weren’t there any men needing a piss when you wanted them around? Sarah turned on her heel and ran – clacking up the steps in her wobbly stilettos. Getting fed up of them by the time she reached the top step, she stepped out of her shoes and chucked them behind her, in the hope that the bananas would trip over them. One shoe hit the front banana in the face, but the other stiletto just got stampeded by the rest of the banana gang.

She ran to the main exit in the hope that they would think she’d gone back to the dance-floor. At the door, she crashed into Jennifer, who was as out of breath as Sarah was, having run all the way from the kitchen where Jason lay like a massive pudding. Neither of them could talk, so they just kept on running down the pathway that lead from the Union building up towards the main road. There was no point in staying on campus – people would either think they were mad, or it would take forever for anyone to reach them to provide safety for them. Behind them, they could hear the 10 footsteps of the bananas giving chase.

“If we don’t run any faster, we’re going to get gang banged by a bunch of bananas” Sarah gasped while running.

“Sarah, that is the least of my worries. Where’s Mike?”

“Dead. Skewered to the gents toilet. Where’s Jason?”

“In my kitchen, slit open, looking like something Delia Smith could have made. Where are we going?”

“We’ve got to get to the milkshake factory. Phil’s working there tonight.”

“Why the milkshake factory?” Jennifer asked as they swung around a corner into a narrow alleyway hollowed out between rows of shops.

“Because that was the only place he could find to give him a job.”

“There it is.”

The huge magnificent building loomed in the distance. Smoke polluting the air around its chimneys.

They ran towards the building, still aware of the kafuffle of footsteps behind them. They did dare look back.

The building appeared to be backing away from them the closer they got to it, until they were right on the doorstep, when the building decided to re-join the rest of the world in the rules of perspective.

Fortunately for them, the door was open, which they thought was unusual to start with, then the guard directed them to where Phil was working after their out of breath request. The bananas were at the door, and the guard let them in too. The girls didn’t hang about to see if the bananas were going to kill the security man or not. Down corridors, with harsh overhead lighting and around 90 degree bends. They finally found Phil, but they were too late. He was drowned in a vat of banana milkshake, only a few spikes of his gelled hair stuck out at the top of the liquid. The bananas were at the door. There was nowhere to go to, nowhere to run. Plenty of places to hide, but it was too late to ask the bananas to close their eyes and count to one hundred before they came looking for them. The bananas menacingly approached the two terrified girls, and they in turn backed away an equal number of steps. They kept backing and backing until Jennifer backed into a large red button. Hoping this was the one that would send a tonne block hurtling from the ceiling to land on the bananas, she pressed it with the back of her leg. Unfortunately, this was the whisk button on the tub that Phil was in, and the banana milkshake started to develop a raspberry swirl effect.

Now they were backed into a corner, there was no way out, and only one more button to press behind their legs. Sarah reached behind her for the button, and closed her eyes while pressing it. She couldn’t bring herself to open them again, but if she had, she would have seen the bananas disappear down a trap door, and re-appear again completely peeled and naked hanging from a hook from the ceiling. She also missed the security guard who had snuck in behind the bananas and pressed the button that did this. The banana men were struggling to cover themselves up, but then realised that they were heading towards the vat of banana milkshake. Unfortunately for the bananas, the button Sarah had pressed had put the milk shaker onto full power, and Phil was now starting to foam too. She opened her eyes when she heard the shrieks above her head.