OK well after the Buffy finale last night (I still can't believe Buffy is over!) and realized that Anya didn't get enough recognition and this is basically Xander's thoughts after her death...ENjoy please r&r!

~*~Never thought I'd be in this place

It's someone else's life I'm living~*~

In the last couple of years, for as long as I have known Buffy I guess I have watched my friends loose people they love. Buffy lost her mom and Willow lost Tara and yet I have been able to stay friends with the slayer and make it through pretty much unfazed. But now I am understanding fully and completely what they felt when they lost them. I always counted myself as lucky and never believed that I was going to lose someone. And now she's gone.

~*~Wish i were living a lie

The hardest part is when the bough breaks ~*~

So many nights now I have lain awake trying to pretend that Anya hadn't been one of the people we lost during the last battle. That it's all a joke on Xander and Anya's going to appear suddenly in the morning at the breakfast table. But it's not Anya won't ever be there to, just be Anya.

~*~Falling down and then forgiving

You didn't kiss me good-bye

I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say

And pray I get the chance one day~*~

More than anything I regret not doing what I wanted to right before we all split up. Taking Anya into my arms, telling her I love her and that after this is all over I want to try again, and then before we finally separate kissing her, not good-bye...but good-luck. Either way my dumb insecurities got in the way and I didn't get to kiss her good-bye, or good-luck. All that's left is that one day I will see her again and get to make up for all the things I should have done.

~*~I still run, I sill swing open the door

I still think, you'll be there like before~*~

A part of my life is moving on. The scoobies had to take action again to make sure that we can educate as many slayers as possible, so that we have as few rogue slayers running around. Life is continuing all around me and yet I am still stuck in the world Anya had been a part of, unable to deal with the real world Anya is no longer a part of.

~*~Doesn't everybody know to never come around

Some thing's heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you~*~

Willow and Buffy want to help as much as possible but I'm not ready to have them around to comfort me. I just want to be alone to deal with the fact that the one woman I love more than anything won't be around anymore. To deal with the fact that my heart is split in two, my side tells me that Buffy was brought back, as was Angel maybe Anya will come back to; the other part, maybe it is more of my head speaking, is telling me that I need to move on, Anya died doing a good thing and she isn't coming back.

~*~I can hear you smile in the dark

I can even feel your breathing~*~

Despite the fact that Sunnydale was destroyed and on the road to a place I have never been with Anya everything screams out to me. When I sleep I can still feel her next to me, every moment of my sleepless nights is consumed by the thoughts that even though I feel her next to me the moment I shift she won't be there anymore.



~*~But daylight chases the ghosts

I see your coat and I fall apart

To those hints of you I'm clinging

Now's when I need them most~*~

The daytime is better, with something to do I can focus on things other than the aching in my heart and the absence all around me. Anya's coat, that she had left behind on the bus, reminds me always of her absence, but while it hurts like hell to see it there, it needs to be there, in plain sight. I need remind my self that the pain isn't a delusion that, despite the fact that no one talks about her, Anya was real and so was, is, my love for her.

~*~I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead

At least that's what you would have said~*~

Anya would have called me a wimpy baby if she could see me now. She would tell me to suck it up, get over it and live life. And eventually I know I will be able to move but for now I'm still holding on to her memory, still holding out for her.

~*~Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep

It's the the only true comfort I feel~*~

Both Amanda and Anya will get headstones when we settle somewhere but for now we cling to their memories. I still have one of Anya's business cards from the Magic Box in my wallet and I take it out constantly tracing her name embossed in large letters in the middle of the card, remembering how proud she had been when they had arrived at the shop. But most of all remembering how much I loved her, and how much I am never going to love any woman more.

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