 |
 ** Author’s memo: This plot has been pushing it’s way to the front of
my mind every time I hear Dido’s song ‘See the Sun’. I don’t normally do
songfics because I’m not a huge fan of them, but I absolutely love the song and
I was driving myself crazy thinking about this every time I heard it. I
felt that it was a perfect fit for Cordelia’s ‘swan song’, if you will.
As much as I want Cordy back and loving Angel, I know that it may not ever
happen. So, this one-shot is my version of the closure that I so badly
want. So, please enjoy and review. I want to know what everyone
thinks! This is dedicated first and foremost to Charisma Carpenter… the
show hasn’t been the same without her, and since it’s being cancelled, others
obviously agree with me! :) And second, this is also semi-dedicated to
the entire cast of Angel… thanks for giving us fans five great seasons!
Wish we could see more!** ~*~ When The Clouds Go Away ~*~ Angel walked slowly down the hallways of Wolfram & Hart. The halls
were dark and gloomy, just like his mood. But then again, how could
anyone expect any different from him. One day. Twenty-four
hours. That’s how long she had been gone… really gone, not just a still
form lying in a bed. Wes had been the one to break the news to him.
The poor ex-Watcher had held aside his own grief to console an inconsolable
vampire. And now Wes was locked in his office and Angel was roaming
around in a numb stupor, neither one of them knowing what to do. Gunn,
Fred, Lorne… and even Spike… had respected Angel’s space and not tried to force
acceptance on him. It would have been useless anyway. Angel knew
she was gone. How could you not notice when a light had gone out?
He’d spent the past few months hiding behind his shell of indifference –
wanting to see her, but not doing so in order to desperately hold the memories
at bay. It was now that he realized that he should have been there,
holding her hand, telling her he loved her. She’d died alone, in a white,
lifeless, sterile hospital room with only an impersonal nurse standing
watch. He should have been there. Hindsight was a killer – it found
your softest, weakest spots and sliced them up brutally and efficiently until
all that was left was a bloody, unrecognizable mess. Angel walked into his apartment after carefully avoiding everyone and
immediately went back to his bedroom. His hand reached up and he
forcefully pulled down the shades over the window. The dark night sky and
the view of Los Angeles held no appeal to him. Not tonight. He sat
none-to-gently on the bed. When his eye caught the group picture sitting
on his nightstand, he paused. She was there… alive and smiling, short
blond streaked hair and all. When a lump formed in his throat he forced
his eyes away and lay down on the bed, his eyes going to the ceiling and
searching for some sort of relief. It came when he closed his eyes… ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ When he opened his eyes again, he wasn’t in his bed. He was… well, he
didn’t know where he was. “Angel…” a voice breathed. It was a voice that he was sure he would
never hear again. He turned towards the sound and there she was, just as
he envisioned her. She looked like she had when they had first met up in
LA. Her rich mahogany hair was long and flowed down her back, her skin a
beautiful tan, and her eyes bright. There was no dream cliché here as she
walked toward him dressed in low-slung jeans and a form fitting tank top that
stopped just below her navel. It was typical Cordy-casual. “Cordy,” he said softly before he looked around the muted gray nothingness
in which they stood. “Where are we?” Cordelia smiled. “We are where the Powers let us be,” she said. Angel frowned slightly
as he looked around again. “Well, gee… for the Powers, I expected a little more pomp and circumstance,”
he said. Cordelia laughed at her manpire’s usual dry, humorous sarcasm. “You know the Powers don’t really care for emotion. They believe it a
waste of time. We’re even lucky to be standing her now,” she said.
Angel’s un-beating heart constricted when he realized what, exactly, was
happening. “This is it, isn’t it?” he asked, his eyes holding hers knowing that the
other shoe had finally dropped. It took Cordelia a second before she
nodded, the laughter of before turning into a wistful smile. “We don’t have long, but they let me come back for a reason,” she said,
stepping closer to him. Her hand came up and caressed his cheek,
surprising him with the corporeal contact. “What reason is that?” he asked, placing his hand over hers, relishing the
feel of her soft skin. “To say goodbye,” she said simply. Angel nodded as he looked to the
ground and stepped back from her touch, unwilling to let himself want more when
he knew he wasn’t going to get it. “We can find a way, Cordy,” he said. Cordelia smiled at his comment. “Angel, I don’t want to be Buffy,” she said, causing him to look up at her
sharply. “I don’t want to be brought back, reincarnated, or even be a
friend to phantom Dennis. I’m dead. I don’t want to die again.” “Why won’t you at least let us try?” he asked, frustration and a little bit
of anger lacing his question. Cordelia shook her head at his obstinate
behavior. He couldn’t resist being a little selfish in trying to fix
things. “After all this time, you’re still my Angel,” she said softly, a smile
transforming the sad words to something loving. Angel reached out and
took her hand. “Cordelia,” he rasped out. “I can’t do this without you.” Her
hand squeezed his hand. “Yes, Angel. You can. You have to,” she said earnestly. “Why did this happen, Cordelia? You should be here, with us!
This is where you belong. With people who love you … living,” he pleaded,
knowing that it still wouldn’t help. “It’s where I want to be too, Angel. But that’s not how things worked
out. I am here now, and you… you are where you are supposed to be.
You’ve lost your way a little bit, though,” she said as she looked away from
him. “Cordelia, you were my way,” he said. “You kept me
fighting.” Her brown eyes met his troubled ones. I’m coming round to open the blinds You can’t hide here any longer My God you need to dry those puffy eyes You can’t last here any longer And yes they’ll ask you where you’ve been And you’ll have to tell them again and again “I may have been part of the reason, but tell me what the rest of it
was, Angel,” she said seriously. Angel just looked at her. “Your shanshu…” she prompted. “Angel, your shanshu is the bigger
picture here. Your atonement… It’s what I was fighting for, it’s
what our family is still fighting for. You can’t just abandon
that.” “I haven’t,” he said lamely. Cordelia shook her head and spread an arm
to indicate their location, which was now the equally gray and lifeless halls
of Wolfram & Hart. “Look at where you are, Angel. This isn’t where you are needed.
This isn’t what you need,” she prodded. “You’re what I need. You promised, Cordelia. You said you’d be
with me until I shanshued,” he said softly, looking at his hands. She
walked up to him and gently took them in hers. “Angel, I will always be with you. After all these years, you had to
have figured it out that the only way I’ll ever leave you is to be ripped away
against my will. Even now, I will be there… in your dreams, in your
memories… in my family’s heart.” “You are our heart,” he said desperately, wanting to pull her into his arms
and bring her back with him to the waking world. Cordelia smiled. “Yes, I am,” she answered. Angel shook his head, not wanting to
understand what she was saying. It just wasn’t good enough. And you probably don’t want to hear tomorrow’s another day Well, I promise you you’ll see the sun again And you’re asking me why pain’s the only way to happiness And I promise you you’ll see the sun again “Don’t get even more angsty on me, Broody. I love you, you know
that. And I know you love me. We never had a chance, and I’m sorry
for that. I’m sorry that all of this is causing you and everyone else
pain. But we’ll see each other again,” she said. Angel shook his head. “I’m a monster Cordelia. I don’t see how we could possibly end up in
the same place,” he said sadly. Cordelia took his hand and pulled him
close, wrapping her other arm around his waist. “Angel, listen to me. You will reach your shanshu. And not to
spout maxim or anything, but as was written, so shall it be, ya know?
Prophecy from on high and all that… And when that happens, your demon
will cease to live. It will go where it deserves… but you… you
will live as a human and be judged as one as well. That’s why all of this
is important. It’s why you need to fight for your shanshu,” she said,
looking up into his face. His arms tightened around her as he let her
words wash over him. They gave him hope. She gave him hope,
even if she wasn’t going to be there. “I love you, Cordelia,” he said, looking down at her. Her arms wound
around his neck as she smiled her brilliant, megawatt smile. The words
she’d wanted to hear for the longest time had finally spilled past his
lips. “I love you too,” she said as she pulled his head down and met his lips with
her own. She leaned into him, deepening the contact and the kiss, knowing
that this was going to have to last her until they finally met again. His
arms tightened around her and pulled her up closer to him, her feet just
skimming the ground as he held onto her as if his life depended on it.
She hung on to him as well, tears of love, happiness, grief, and regret all
mingling on her damp cheek. Tears fell from his own eyes as their mouths
clung to each other, not wanting the moment to end. His hands ran over
her warm shoulders and down her arms, reassuring himself that she was there, in
his arms. But Cordelia knew that all good things usually came to an end…
and this was no exception. She pulled back slightly, letting her lips
linger on his for a moment longer. When she pulled back completely, she
was on her feet and she let her forehead rest against his. “Don’t leave,” he said, his voice almost watery as his arm tightened around
her waist. Her hands unclasped from the back of his neck, caressed his
cheeks, and then wandered down to his chest. “I have to,” she said miserably. Cordelia never wanted this. She
never wanted find the love of her life and not be able to bask in it, enjoy it
and love it back. If she could, she’d get down on her knees and beg the
higher ups for one more lifetime, for one more moment… for one more passionate
kiss. But Cordelia knew better. “I’m sorry, Angel. I really didn’t want it to be this way,” she said
as she finally stepped away from him. He reached for her to pull her
back. “No, Cordy,” he said almost desperately. Cordelia shook her head. “Remember what I said, okay? Our family needs you… you need to
fight. For their sake, and yours. I love you…” she said, and before
he knew it, Angel was alone. He raised his eyes to the sky, hating
whatever was really up there with his entire being. With a pitiful growl
of anger, he lowered his head into his hands, the tears falling freely. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Fred walked cautiously into Angel’s apartment. She’s seen him come in
here earlier and wanted to check on him. Things had gone from bad to
completely horrible when Wes had broken it to everyone that Cordy was
gone. Wes was still locked in his office, refusing to talk to anyone.
Fred understood his reluctance. He’d been one of the people, along with
Angel, to know Cordelia the longest. He’d been closer to her than
everyone else. Gunn was using sarcasm and violence as his outlet.
Lorne had refused to see anyone… he said that seeing everyone’s aura was
beginning to suck him into a black hole of depression even deeper than his
own. Spike was even unusually melancholy. And Fred, well… she
wasn’t sure how she was handling everything. She’d had a dream last night.
Cordy had come to tell her goodbye. It had been bittersweet, but
meaningful. Fred knew that everyone, herself included, felt extremely
guilty about not being able to tell Cordy from the evil being that had come
back as her. Fred also knew that it was that guilt and the anger that it
had happened that was slowly tearing her family apart and making them forget
what the mission was really about. But Cordelia had told her not to worry
and that things were going to be better. And Fred being Fred had taken Cordelia’s
words as gospel. She was ready to be the strong one, she was ready to
help her friends. And that’s what she was doing walking into Angel’s
room. Her soft knock prompted a slight, animal-like whimper to come from
the bed. “Angel?” she called hesitantly. The closer she got to the bed, the
more she could see how troubled the sleeping Angel looked. His normally
gelled-to-perfection hair was a mess, his clothes were rumpled and wrinkled,
his covers were in disarray and his face looked tortured. Careful not to
startle the sharp teeth with a body attached, she leaned over and gently
touched his shoulder. After a couple more tries, his hand snapped up and
snagged her wrist in an iron-like, yet soft grip. He shot straight up in
bed, eyes wide. Fred could see where the tear trails had fallen, the
sparse light in the room bouncing off the wetness. “Cordelia -” he choked through an impossibly dry throat. His eyes
focused on Fred’s face, disappointment evident as he dropped her hand and
retreated farther from her. “Angel, it’s Fred,” she said. He looked at over at her. “I know who you are, Fred,” he said, his misery at losing the only place
where he could hold Cordelia evident. Fred folded hands into her lap and
observed the morose vampire. “Angel, Cordy wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself,” she said softly,
not flinching when Angel’s sharp gaze snapped to her. “You think that I don’t know what Cordy wants?” he asked as he stood up from
the bed and started pacing belligerently. “She’s gone, Angel. I think we’ve been preparing ourselves for this
more and more every day that passed and she didn’t wake up,” Fred stated as she
stood up as well. Angel ran a hand through his hair, a gesture that told
Fred just how upset he was. “How can anyone prepare for this? How can someone prepare for the
person who was their life to not be there anymore?” he asked, his voice
breaking slightly. Angel shook his head. Fred just didn’t
understand. She didn’t remember Connor, she didn’t feel his loss in combination
with the loss of Cordy. But then, he would never wish that pain on
her. Losing Cordelia was hard enough. “Fred, I think I’d rather not talk about this right now,” he said with a
worn sigh. Fred nodded, her chin coming up. “Then we won’t talk about it now. Later. Now, we’ll go get your
mind on something else. Wes had said something earlier today about the
new text he had found. Let’s go make ourselves busy by doing some good
old-fashioned detective work,” she said, mustering up a Cordelia-like attitude.
“I don’t think I’m up for it, Fred. I’ll just stick around here,” he
said, scraping up a small smile to offer the girl. She shook her head as
she went to his closet and pulled out a shirt. After nodding in approval
at it, she threw it at him. “Not an option, my friend. You need to get out and use some of your
brain cells. It’ll be good for you,” she said. You’re cut off
from life… but don’t worry, I’m going to help with that. Angel closed
his eyes at the memory. He looked down at the material in his hands.
It was one of his dark red shirts. One of Cordy’s favorites – when he wasn’t
in homicidal Angelus mode. He looked back up to see Fred watching
him. Angel gave her a slight nod in acknowledgement. Confident that
Angel was taking her advice, she left the room to wait for him to change.
And after a minute or so, he emerged, still a little uneasy. “Let’s go, Angel,” she said, reaching for his hand and squeezing it.
Angel nodded and squeezed back before letting her hand go and walking to the
door. Come on take my hand We’re going for a walk, I know you can You can wear anything as long as it’s not black Please don’t mourn forever She’s not coming back Fred followed Angel out of his apartment, feeling happy that she’d convinced
him to do something. They were both completely silent as they made their
way to where their offices were. Fred’s heart lifted when she saw that
Wesley’s door was open. The two of them stood at the door to see Gunn and
Wes sitting in the two chairs in front of Wes’ desk. Overjoyed that her
two friends were talking, Fred cautiously entered the room and went to place a
hand on both of their shoulders. The two men looked up with small
smiles. Angel watched the three of them lean on each other from the comfort
of the doorway. “Their auras are healing,” a voice said from behind him. Angel didn’t
need to turn to know that it was Lorne. “Cordelia has touched all of you…
I can see traces of her in all of your auras. She’s slowly filling the
holes… patching everyone up. Just like she did when she was here.”
Angel crossed his arms and frowned. “But she’s not here, is she?” he asked. Lorne smiled as he stepped up
to the dark vampire. “Well, I guess I don’t need to tell you that the hole she left in your aura is
significantly bigger than any of theirs. But that doesn’t mean she was
any less important to them. She’s in there, big guy. She’s working
her Almighty Princess Mojo to make sure everyone gets through this. Let
her take care of you, Angelcakes. Let her heal you,” Lorne pleaded.
“She can, you know. If you let her.” With one last look, the green
demon entered the room as well and went to park himself, despite Wesley’s usual
righteous glare, right on the man’s desk. His family sat in there,
talking and laughing quietly. The bittersweet camaraderie was beckoning
for him to join them. And yes they’ll ask you where you’ve been And you’ll have to tell them again and again An you probably don’t want to hear tomorrow’s another day Well I promise you you’ll see the sun again And you’re asking me why pain’s the only way to happiness And I promise you you’ll see the sun again Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all You said one day this was worth dying for So be thankful you knew her at all But it’s no more You’re still my Angel… There was a twitch of discernable
movement at the corners of his mouth as her words rang through his head.
Angel’s brown eyes combed the room, seeing every single memory it held within
the people occupying it. “No, Cordy… you’re mine,” he said softly. You need to do that more often. What, buy you food? No… smile… ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Author’s note: So, that’s it. My closure is complete. I
feel a whole lot better now. If you don’t like it, I’m sorry. If
you do like it, that’s great! And for those of you who haven’t heard
Dido’s “See the Sun”, you should listen to it in order to capture the mood of
the song. It really is bittersweet and it makes me tear up a little.
Let me know what you think!! |
