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Title: A Mile In His Moccasins 12/26
Author: Gileswench
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

Note: NC17 (mention of s/m, marital aids)




Buffy moved inside only after it was too dark to see anymore. She headed up to her bedroom in hopes that she wouldn't have to talk to anyone else at least until morning.

She sat on the bed, hugging a pillow to her chest for a long time. She was alone until Giles got back, anyway. Dawn had phoned from the Magic Box to say she'd been invited to spend the night with her friend Janice, and Willow had a late class.

When the door slammed, she barely raised her head at the sound. Giles was back, but she didn't go down to see him.

Not that it mattered since he was on his way up.

"Buffy? Are you there?"

Great. He sounded mad. Had she forgotten to tell him something important about work? She thought she'd covered everything.

He knocked on her bedroom door.

"Buffy, I need to talk to you. Please let me in."

"It's open," she said quietly.

Giles came into the room carrying a sack. One look was enough to tell her he was livid. In fact the last time she'd seen Giles this angry was a day she wished she could forget; the day Giles had discovered that Angel was back from Hell and she hadn't told him about it.

Somehow she knew the first words that were going to come out of his mouth, though she prayed she was wrong.

"I saw Spike."

Buffy winced. Those were exactly the words she hadn't wanted to hear.

"What the hell were you thinking, Buffy? Why Spike? I know you don't love him. He said as much when he spoke to me. If all you want is sex, there are better ways to get it. And if what you're looking for is a toy, then buy a bloody toy and have done with it."

He thrust the bag at her.

She flinched as if he'd hit her.

"As for Spike..."

"I know. I hurt him."

"I don't care what you did to Spike. I care about what you did to you. He was using you, Buffy, and you let him. How could you let him talk that way to you? I've seen you hurt boys badly for less than what he said to me thinking it was you tonight. If Riley had spoken to you that way, you'd have torn him limb from limb, and rightly so. And as for your job - which I'm afraid you no longer have - I cannot believe you lasted a day in that wretched place. The people who work there are cretins and imbeciles, the work is mind-numbingly boring, and the rules are specifically designed to break the human spirit. What were you doing there, Buffy?"

She finally looked up.

"You lost my job?! Dammit, Giles, I needed it! How am I going to pay the bills without it?"

"How were you paying the bills on that paycheck? You knew you had to get out of there; you're too intelligent not to have worked it out. You'll just have to get by on whatever Willow can contribute until you find something else."

"But Will..."

"What about Willow? Surely she's paying rent?"

Buffy shook her head.

"She's in school and her scholarships only cover stuff like tuition and books. She's broke, too."

Giles sat on the edge of the bed. He shook his head in disgust.

"Then she can bloody well get a job just as well as you can. Plenty of people work their way through college. And Dawn is quite old enough to do some babysitting at least, so she can pay for some of her own things."

"But...but you...you said..."

"I said you needed to stand on your own two feet, Buffy. I never said you ought to become the world's doormat."

With that, Buffy burst into tears. She cried uncontrollably, in great, gulping sobs that seemed to start in her toes. Giles ignored his discomfort with the situation and reached out to remove the glasses from Buffy's face and place them out of harm's way. Once he'd accomplished that, he did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his arms.

"Please don't cry so, Buffy. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm frightfully clumsy at this sort of thing, you know. Shhhh, I didn't mean to scold you. There, there, now. It's just...I know you can do so much better."

Nothing he said seemed to make much difference, so, in the end, he just held her and rocked her until she had cried herself out.

When she was done, he silently handed her Kleenexes until she'd dried her eyes and nose sufficiently to look as though she could talk to him. He passed her the glasses. She half-smiled at him in a watery way as she put them back on and sniffled one more time.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'd already broken up with Spike. He wasn't listening very well, but I'd done it. And this might show you I'd figured out my future wasn't at Doublemeat Palace."

She stood and walked to her desk. A moment later she handed Giles a piece of paper.

"See? I was working on a résumé. Not that I'd gotten very far, but I started it. I was actually counting on getting a reference from Lorraine, but I guess you fixed that. Just so I know, why did I get fired?"

Giles felt the blood rising in his cheeks as he read over the paper in his hand. He might have known nothing could keep Buffy down that far forever.

"You quit. You...um...you refused to take a drug test."

Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Great. That's just peachy, Giles. Do you have any idea how bad that looks to potential new employers? Thanks to you, I'm going to have a hell of a time replacing that paycheck. You've screwed up my one chance to move up."

She sat on the bed again and glared at Giles. He looked sheepishly at her.

"I'm sorry. I suppose I ought to have talked to you before I flew off the handle like that."

Buffy blew out a frustrated breath.

"You were just trying to help me out," she said. "It's not all your fault." She cocked one eyebrow at him. "And I so cannot believe you bought me a vibrator!"

She almost laughed at his blush.

"I - it's...well, actually, I got you...several items. I - I wasn't sure what you'd like best."

"And I'm gonna use this stuff exactly how while I'm in your body?"

"S - s - some things...can be used....well...Buffy, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I was just so angry, and..."

"And you wanted to make a point so I'd get it. I know. It's okay. I sorta deserved a lot of it anyway. And you're right. I suck at relationships. Maybe it's time I just got myself some battery-operated pals and gave up on men. I always seem to mess things up with the real deal."

"You're young, Buffy. It's not as if many people find their true soulmates by your age. It does, however, help if one sticks more or less to one's own species at any rate. You know what a mistake it is to get involved with a vampire. Why did you do it?"

Buffy shrugged.

"He kept wanting it so much. And nobody else seemed to want me very much. Except you. And the me you wanted wasn't the one I could be right then. I couldn't even pretend to be her. And there was so much...stuff to deal with. I couldn't. And everybody walked on eggshells around me, like they thought I was gonna poof into smoke, but nobody wanted to hear what was wrong. I couldn't tell Will what she'd done to me when she was so proud of it. And now she knows, neither one of us wants to say anything about it. I think she's sorry. I have to think that. Giles, everything fell to little pieces and then you left again. I couldn't take any more. Spike made me forget."

"Forget what?"

"Everything. Bills, Dawn, Slaying, you, Willow and Xander and Anya and Tara and Doublemeat Palace and Heaven and digging myself out of my grave. All of it. It all went away for a little while. I don't like him, and no matter how many times he tells me he loves me, I don't think he likes me, either. But for a little while, I didn't have to care about anything. I didn't have to be me. And now here I am being you. Classic case of 'be careful what you wish for', huh?"

Giles smiled wryly.

"I don't suppose you really want to be me. It's not the most rewarding of occupations. Still, I'd grown rather used to it."

"I didn't mean to make it sound like...and Little Miss Foot In Mouth strikes again. But face it, Giles. You got the good part of the deal."

"How's that?"

"You get to keep your brain, which is way above average and filled with all sorts of useful things to learn and know, plus you get the Slayer strength. What am I left with? My brain which, no matter what you say, isn't anywhere near as smart as yours and your body which has seen a few miles. Not that it's not a nice body. I mean, you've kept it in good shape even if it's a little scarred up in spots and stuff. But it doesn't have super strength or Slayer healing or hyper-impressive hearing and night vision. It's...just a body, which is fine, but not like being the Slayer. It is kinda nice, though, to be able to reach things on the top shelves of stuff. I'll give you that."

"It's nice to know it's better in some way," he observed, "if only in superior reach."

"Don't get snarky with me. You know what I mean. You know so many things I'll never know."

"So you think you have nothing to offer because you don't read five languages and are currently unable to kill demons without getting winded? Why do you insist on thinking so little of yourself?"

"Is there really a reason I shouldn't?"

Giles reached out and touched Buffy on the jaw.

"There's one. Just there."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"That's the spot where you hit me to stop me going to meet The Master in your place. I thought for a moment when I came to that you'd broken it." He smiled fondly. "You were only sixteen and you knew that you were going to your death, but you went anyway. You didn't let a little thing like that stop you."

"So I have a talent for death. Great. Just what I wanted for Christmas."

"That's not what I meant, Buffy. If anything, you have the opposite: a talent for life. Do you have any idea how much I've learned from you since we met? I spent so many years after Eyghon in hiding from the world, from myself, I was damn near mummified when I came here. Then you came along and reminded me that there was so much more to living than duty and rules and...tweed. You made me believe that, perhaps, I could have more. Friendship, laughter, even love."

"That love thing hasn't ever worked out so well for either one of us, has it?"

"Not as yet, I'll admit. But I'm not ready to give up hope, and I don't believe you should either. You're a lovely young woman, inside and out. Any man who can get your love ought to be proud to have it."

Buffy ducked her head as her eyes filled with more tears.

"You think way too much of me, Giles."

"Nonsense. Who's the smart one here?"

"I never said you weren't insane."

"I might have known you'd leave yourself a loophole."

The pair chuckled and leaned against one another. "As loopholes go, I have to say it's one of my better ones." She sat silent for a moment. "Giles?" she said at last, "Why don't we ever hug?"

"We do," he protested. She shot him an amused look. "Well, we do...sometimes. We have a few times..."

"Not many. Why is that?"

"I suppose because we're neither of us very tactile people. We're not inclined to touch casually."

"But I hug Will. And I hug Xander sometimes. I think I've hugged Anya more times than you. That's just wrong."

"Is that what you were brooding about when I came in?"

Buffy shook her head.

"Nah. I just wondered."

Giles smiled.

"If you're hinting that you'd like a hug, you know you can just try giving me one."

"Really? Anytime? No big disaster necessary?"

"Not even a little one."

With that, Buffy wrapped her arms around Giles and laid her head atop his. She sighed contentedly.

"Know what, Giles?"

"What?"

"This is nice. It's nice when we're friends. I don't want to be mad at you anymore."

"I must admit, I'd rather we were past all this misunderstanding, too."

"Then let's be past it. I missed you. A lot. But I think this hugging thing is better the other way around."

"What way is that?"

"When I'm the little one and you're the big one. Makes me feel all girly and protected."

"It does at that. I find I like the feeling myself. It's a nice break from feeling the need to take care of everyone, to be the one being taken care of."

Buffy pulled back, startled.

"I never thought about it, but you must get as tired of that as I do. Who takes care of you, Giles?"

"I do."

"Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You take care of me a little, and I'll take care of you back."

Giles flashed one of his quick, tiny smiles and blushed.

"Buffy...may I ask you something?"

"Sure, Giles. What?"

"Why is my body wearing a leather suit? I know I didn't own one before."

Buffy grinned sheepishly and held out her arms to display the outfit.

"Surprise? Like it?"

"It's...it's...I suppose it's...a well-made suit. I'm just not quite certain it's...me."

Buffy looked crestfallen.

"I thought you looked good in it."

"Buffy...I'm sure the suit is very nice, but I'm forty-eight years old. A man my age in a leather suit...well, he usually looks a bit of a prat."

"But you don't look all pratty in it. I think you look sorta...sexy."

Giles raised his eyebrows. It took him a moment to find his voice.

"S - sexy...?"

"Don't visit coronaryland over it, Giles. I just meant you look good and you shouldn't hide it. If you'd dressed like this when you first got here, maybe I would've listened to you more."

"If I'd dressed like that when you first met me, you'd have laughed yourself sick. You thought I was Methuselah back then."

"Hey, if you'd worn something like this that first day, I would never have thought you were old. It wouldn't have killed you to wear an earring now and then, either. What was with all the tweed, anyway? I've seen other Watchers, y'know. It's not like it's a uniform or anything. I mean, can you even imagine Wes in one of those awful tweed suits you used to wear with those ugly sweater vests?"

"Why did you get your hair cut like this? Why did you get a job that required you to wear such a hideous uniform?"

"Okay, I started the twenty questions game. You don't get your turn until you answer me."

"This is my answer. Buffy, you could have got a job easily in a dress shop or a sporting goods store or any number of places, yet you chose the fast food restaurant with the most ridiculous uniform there is. You cut off all your lovely hair. I know you've had it around this length before, but it was different...bigger somehow, and it looked better."

"It's easy to take care of that way. I don't spend half my morning blowdrying. And Doublemeat Palace was hiring."

"And I had tweed suits that had plenty of wear left in them. And if I wore them with sweater vests underneath, women paid me little or no attention."

"Miss Calendar paid attention."

"Yes, well, she had quite an eye for...potential."

"So you think I'm trying to not be seen?"

"I do. Or you were until you got into my body, whereupon you seem to have developed an exhibitionist streak."

"You have no idea how many girls checked you out today."

"Th - they did?"

"Yeah, they did. And it felt...kinda nice...even if it was you they were really looking at and not me, and even if they were girls, which is not my usual thing at all, but y'know, it's all good. And there were a couple guys even. That felt better. But, of course, I know that if I was me and not you, those particular guys wouldn't be interested in me anymore. Still. It was nicer than I remembered."

"And I have a new wardrobe out of it. Lucky me."

"Jealous that I was getting all the looks?"

"It seems as if I was the one getting all the looks. You just got to reap the egotistical benefits of the situation.

"I worked hard for my egotistical benefits, buddy."

"Ah yes, I'm sure it was a great burden to you, running up my credit card, trying on clothes. A terrible sacrifice."

"Darn tootin', it was. Do you have any idea how aggressively icksome some men's clothes are? And look who I'm asking. I withdraw the question."

"And I suppose you've never worn anything that wasn't the last word in taste and elegance?"

Buffy shrugged and smiled.

"Can I help it if my fashion sense is perfect?"

"Shall we take a tour through your closet and see just how accurate that theory is? I seem to recall a pair of quite dreadful tie dye trousers..."

Buffy narrowed her eyes at Giles.

"You want me to go borrow some shirts from Xander and wear those?"

"In that case, your sartorial taste is utterly irreproachable."

"My what?"

"Your clothing preferences."

"Knew you'd see things my way."

"So are you ready to talk to me?"

Buffy stared.

"What have we been doing since you got here? Waterskiing?"

"About whatever had you so upset earlier, Buffy."

"Oh. That."

Buffy stood and began to wander around the room, occasionally picking something up and putting it down again without really looking at it. Giles sat patiently on the bed and waited for her to find the words.

At last, she put down a final trinket on her dresser and turned to face Giles.

"Do you get lots of headaches, Giles?" she blurted out.

Giles blinked owlishly and furrowed his brow.

"I do get them, certainly. Between years of eyestrain from late night research sessions, lack of sleep, and the fairly astonishing number of head injuries I've had in my life, I probably get more than the average person does. But I'm perfectly well."

"Is that all? You're sure it's just that stuff? I mean, when was the last time you saw a doctor about it?"

Giles moved to where Buffy stood.

"Buffy...you're shaking. Are you...you think I'm ill, don't you? Buffy, I promise you, I don't have a tumor. I'm not dying."

"That's what I thought about Mom. And then she did."

"Thus proving there are no guarantees in life. But I promise you, insofar as it is possible to do so, that I am going to live a long time yet."

Buffy ducked her head and turned to face her dresser again.

"I know I'm being stupid. It's just...when I - you - I'm not even sure which one of us got it anymore, but I couldn't help thinking...and I know one little headache doesn't mean that much."

"It's all right. I can understand why you would be a bit jumpy about that. I was the same way when my mother died. Except it was stroke I was worried about."

"Your mom died?"

"When I was eighteen."

"Wow. That's harsh. And I feel slightly less like the most pathetic human being on the planet knowing that. That you freaked too."

"It's getting late. Why don't you get some sleep, Buffy? We can talk more in the morning if you like."

"Sure. Great. After all, it's not like my body has anywhere to be tomorrow since you quit my job."

"Nor has mine since you spent every cent I'm likely ever to have on a suit I would never have bought myself."

"But you look so hot in it."

"Good night, Buffy."

"So you're couchbound?"

"I thought it best."

"Oh. Okay."

Giles sighed.

"Did you want me to stay for some reason?"

"No. I mean...sort of," Buffy snorted in frustration. "Look, Giles, I know it's sorta weird, but I slept better last night than I have in a long time. It was kinda like having a really oversized, warm teddy bear with me."

Giles glowered at her.

"A teddy bear? What am I to be next? Your security blanket? Your faithful watchdog?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant...I feel safe with you. I know you're a person, Giles, honest. But I trust you. And in case you haven't noticed, there aren't a whole lot of people I can trust. Maybe I said it all wrong, but what I meant is really a good thing. There aren't that many things that make me feel safe. Please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not as safe as you think, Buffy."

"What? Because you used to be Ripper and raise demons? That was before I was even born."

"Thank you for that reminder that I'm neutered."

"You're not neutered, Giles. In fact, I'm in a position to say now that you're about as manly as they get. I even know now why you always wore such baggy pants when you've got such a tight butt. It's just...you don't do that stuff now."

"No, I don't. But sometimes I'd rather not be reminded what I've become."

"If it makes you feel better, I bet you still could be Ripper if you wanted."

"No, that's too far past."

"Only because you want it to be. Only because you decided to be Giles, who, I have to say, I like a whole lot better."

"You do?"

"A whole lot. I'm officially over the whole bad boy thing. Not interested in guys who just make trouble and hurt people. I've decided it's much more interesting to deal with guys who could be bad, but aren't."

"Sounds to me as if you're only half over the 'bad boy thing'."

"Maybe. But at least I'm over the right half."

Giles laughed silently.

"And that is a great improvement, I must say. All right, against my better judgement, I'll stay."

He took a set of Buffy's pajamas and headed for the bathroom.

"Giles, what are you doing?"

"Going to change my clothes?"

"It's my body. I've seen it before. You don't have to be all stuffy about it."

Giles stared for a moment, then broke out into a loud bark of laughter.

"It is rather silly, isn't it?"

Buffy joined in the laughter as they both began to undress for bed.

They were both still giggling when they climbed into bed and Buffy turned out the light.

*****




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