Title of story: Don’t know how
Author:
Alicia08
Email:
lisabonita@att.net
Rating:
PG-13
Disclaimer:
I don’t own anything. But if I did…oh the possibilities!!!
Distribution:
Sure…if ya want. Go ahead. Just leave my name on it!!
Pairing:
B/A
Timeline:
Takes place a few days after “I will remember you”
Description:
Buffy has trouble coping after her short visit to LA to see Angel
Author’s
note: This story is a companion piece or sequel to “Do what you have to
do”. No worries though. It’s not a necessity that you read “Do what
you have to do”. Just as long as you know the gist of what occurred in “I
will remember you” then your set.
Authors
Note: The song being used is “Do what you have to do”, by Sarah Mcglachlan.
Lyrics to song are represented in Italics.
Authors
Note 2: This is a repost. See what had happened was… um… I f-ked
up. Clicked on the wrong fic to remove. Damn my sucky vision to
hell. Damn it I say
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~What
ravages our spirit, conjured this temptuous rage~
~Created
you a monster, broken by the rules of love~
Buffy
woke with her heart pounding, her breath coming in gasps. It was only a
dream she told herself desperately. The same dream that had come every
night since her visit with Angel the week prior. The same dream and the same
shameful lingering physical evidence when she awoke. Her nipples were hard and
acutely sensitive as they touched the sheet in which she held close, and there
was an aching emptiness between her thighs.
No.
It’s not quite the same. This time, she was bath in sweat. Strange,
the window was ajar and it had been distinguishably cool when she entered her
room that night, and went to sleep, but she was burning up now. She stroked
a hand though the strands of her golden hair, and let out a small breath filled
with fear, and yet wanting and yearning.
Something
ached deep within her, a desperate need for * him*, crawling it’s way into her
soul, ripping at her flesh, devouring every piece of her naked body, until she
gave in. But she refused to. She fought against the urge,
dispensing it from her thoughts, her dreams, her mind.
It was
a loosing battle
~And
fate has lead you through it~
~You
do what you have to do~
She
had deliberately gone to LA to see Angel, to put finality on their
relationship. Well, that and to give him a piece of her mind. But
ever since then, things had gotten worse. He haunted her thoughts every
minute of every day. She even found herself becoming distracted on her
nightly patrols. Nearly got herself killed one night.
She
had been walking through the cemetery, like she did most nights, her mind
wondering, when she should have been focused on her job. Searching out
the undead, and hopefully, before the night was over, all that would be left of
them was a pile of dust.
She
had been thinking of him of course, and hadn’t noticed the group of vampires
that crept up and surrounded her. Five, six maybe. The first four had been a
piece of cake. A couple of undercuts, few jabs to the face, and then Mr.
Pointy had done the rest.
~And
fate has led you through it~
~You
do what you have to do~
And
that was when it happened. The image appeared in her head suddenly, clear
as day, and as quickly as it came, it was gone. It had left her disoriented,
stunned and confused. Her mind whirled, and the two remaining vamps, had
taken advantage of the situation. One grabbed her from behind, his hand
tightly clasped around her throat, while the other charged her from the
front. On instincts alone, she had thrust her left feet out sending the
vampire in front of her crashing to the floor hard. Getting her focus
back, she elbowed the one behind her, and his hands loosened from around her
neck. Turning to face him, she landed a right hook, sending him stumbling
back a few feet. She quickly scanned the ground looking for her
stake. She had dropped it when the images filled her head.
She
caught site of it, resting against, a tombstone, a few feet away. Just
then a sharp jab had sent her tumbling to the floor, grimacing in pain.
Her eyes flashed open, and the vampire that had attacked her from the front,
now stood hovering over her, his eyes glaring menacingly. Scampering on
the ground, she quickly made her way to wear Mr. Pointy laid. She snatched it
up, and as the vampire once again charged her, he impaled himself onto the
stake in which she held in front of her.
She
picked herself up, glaring at the last vampire standing, her eyes flashing
threateningly. Before she could react though, he was gone. He wanted to
live another day. He wasn’t stupid; he knew alone, he had stood no
chance in a battle against the slayer.
Shaking
her head, to rid her self of the memories “God, what is wrong with me,”
she exhaled, her hands resting on her forehead, before parting through her
hair.
~And
I have the sense to recognize~
~That
I don’t know how to let you go~
She
sighed as she flung the covers off her lower extremities, and got up from her
bed, quickly making her way through the darkness to the bathroom, stumbling on
the carpet. “Dam,” she cursed, the sting of tears making it’s way down
her cheek. Quickly flicking the light on, she gradually made her way to
the mirror, staring at the reflection it beheld, her hands resting on the edges
of the porcelain blinding white basin sink. Why was she crying? Her
toe was throbbing yes, but it hadn’t warranted tears.
Fear
and joy caught in her throat at the sudden realization that smacked her full on.
Her dream had been very vivid, almost as if it were real. God, could it
be real. Let it be real the voices in her head shouted.
Screamed. Wait, it can’t be real. It’s impossible. It was
only a dream. Just a dream she forced her self to concede. It could never… She
told her self, the dream cutting deeper every second.
~Every
moment, marked with apparitions of your soul~
*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Angel
gazed blindly at the sun starting it’s decent behind the tall buildings of the
city, as he stood safely stashed away in the shadows, the last fading beams
peering through the window to his office.
Six
long torturous days had past since his encounter with Buffy. Since they
spent that glorious day together, in which he alone was fortunate enough to
remember. Fortunate indeed. Knowing that what he and Buffy had
experienced that day, could and would never be revisited or reinvented was
heartbreaking, agonizing, distressing, and painfully excruciating – yes -, but
to have the memories of that day as a lasting and life long memento… to
experience what he’d hoped for, since the first time he laid eyes on his soul
mate, gave him an immense yet heartrending joy, that he would cherish till the
day he died.
The
lingering memories of the day he spent with Buffy were still fresh in his mind.
He could recall every second of that day perfectly. It played out
repeatedly…different scenarios, things he would of done differently, things she
would of done differently, but they all ended the same way. With Buffy
walking out of his life.
Angel
turned and just stared at the door to his office. The memory of Buffy
walking out that door, out of his life, lingered. His emotions were like
a whirlwind, threatening to overcome him. He could feel his resolve just
crumbling away, being blown away in the wind, as the realization of what he had
done hit him. He felt numb all over, his mixed, conflicted emotions
roaming free, his disposition like that of a roller coaster.
~I’m
ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire~
He
sighed, and after a few minutes, slowly strolled towards his desk, collapsing
into his chair. He let his muscles relax, and let his head fall back, resting
on the softness of the chair. He recalled making love to Buffy. No, not
the first time, but the second time. The memory he alone had. He
remembered how different it had felt to make love to her as a mortal. To
feel his warm skin against hers. To hear the beating of his heart, as
their bodies became one… amalgamated, under the covers.
There
was no uncertainty, no fear of loosing his soul, and releasing his demon upon
the world.
Upon
Buffy.
The
desire to sink his fangs into her soft skin and taste her blood was gone.
The blood lust that had ruled his will was replaced by desire for her.
Desire to make love to her. It called to him, and he answered.
He
could recall the soft tender kisses she planted on his chest. The way she
tugged on his earlobes with her teeth. The way she sucked gently on his nipple,
left at first then made her way to the other, circling it with the wetness and
warmth of her tongue. She had become far more skilled in the aptitude of
love making than before, and this was something he wasn’t quite sure if he should
be thrilled about.
Throughout
the course of the night, he had made peace with his indecision, and decided,
her newly found expertise was of the good.
There
had been a passion between them. One that had been building, and yearning
to be set free ever since their first kiss, three years prior. That
night, a fire flamed uncontrollably within the two, setting his bedroom ablaze
with passion and fervor. Just a small innocent touch had set things
aglow.
~The
yearning to be near you~
~I
do what I have to do~
Angel
remembered sitting in the kitchen, and his conversation with Buffy. He
had insisted that they wait before they rushed into anything. To make
sure the mortal thing was legit. The last thing he wanted to do, was rush
blindly into something with Buffy and have things go terrible wrong. He
wanted to make sure first. Make sure things were perfect. That his
soul was protected. He didn’t want to cause Buffy anymore harm or
heartache than he already had.
And
she had agreed. Agreed to wait, because neither of them wanted to relive
the past, and then it happened. A small gesture, movement, and their
hands touched. In that instance, they both felt it. Felt the
overwhelming desire, the yearning, the violence of existing for only the
other. It had been intense, extreme and concentrated between the two.
Their
lust, passion, and most importantly, love, for each other had laid dormant,
since they found out the consequences to acting out such emotions. They
had afterwards, tried to rebuild their relationship, but it had been too
dangerous. What if neither of them could control their will? They
had then tried to stay friends, but being in the same small town did nothing
but strengthen their desires for one another. They had even tried a long
distance relationship. Him in LA, she in Sunnydale, but things just got
too complicated. It had gotten too painful to hear each other’s voice
over the phone, but not be able to physically be apart of each other’s
life.
They
both tried to disregard their feeling. Their love. Their
unquenchable thirst and need for one another, with very little luck.
And
then the visit from Buffy’s mother had made things far too clear to him.
He wasn’t a fool. He had realized that if he had stayed in Sunnydale, he
would loose himself in Buffy, inevitably loosing his soul as well. He
knew he had to go. Stay far away from her as possible. For her own
good, but he hadn’t the will or the heart to leave her then. Not until
the mayor at first, but it was Joyce that opened his eyes to what Buffy’s
future might hold if he was a constant force in her life. Before, all he
had been worried about was loosing his soul again. But he hadn’t realized
the most obvious. What kind of life would Buffy have if she had a freak
of nature, a vampire for a lover, a companion? What would she be giving
up for him?
Buffy
deserved more than he good ever give. The minutiae he had garnered that
day had given him the resolve to leave. It was as clear as the most cloud free
day, that Buffy was something he wanted more than anything in his life, and
with that knowledge, he knew what he had to do.
~The
yearning to be near you~
~I
do what I have to do~
Summoning
up every bit of strength and will power he possessed, he had walked away from
her. From her world, in a cloud of smoke. He had remembered
standing amongst the fire trucks, the sound of their engines and sirens
deafening. She had been searching the area for him, scanning it, until
she caught site of him. The two had spoke volumes with their eyes that
night. No words were exchanged; just a look, a long stare, and then he turned
and walked away.
But in
that moment, with the most innocent of touches, a hand on a hand, all the
sexual tension, the lust, the ardor, the passion, that had been building up
inside for those few years, burst, and was unleashed. It was as if the
two had been starving, and the other was a delicious, mouth watering juicy
stake, that they couldn’t help but devour. They had ripped at each other’s
clothing, as if it were a barrier, preventing them from breathing. The
quicker they got through it, the quicker they would inhale that which gave them
life.
~But
I have the sense to recognize~
~That
I don’t know how to let you go~
They
had landed on his bed in a tangle of arms and legs, neither knowing where one
began or the other ended, and neither caring. They had shared something new,
something newly discovered, and they had seen a world of possibility, that had
evaded them for so long.
~I
don’t know how to let you go~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The
clouds hovered gray and heavy in the sky above. Just the sight of them
made Buffy feel as if they were pressing down, smothering her in a sluggish languor.
No, it wasn’t the weather. It had been like this the day before.
But she had been experiencing this heaviness since she had opened her eyes that
morning; awaken by the same lust filled dream two nights prior. Why did
she continue to think about him, to dream about him….the same exact
dream. Was this some kind of prophetic dream, or…
~Burning
ember, burning hot, burning slow~
~Deep
within, I’m shaken by the violence of existing for only you~
No,
she didn’t even want to indulge the possibility. It was a simple dream,
nothing prophetic about it. Nope, none what’s so ever. It was a waste of time,
and too painful to even consider the possibility, because, it lacked all sorts
of possibility. It was impossible. No need to get your hopes up only
to later have it crushed.
“Buffy”
“Huh,
what,” Buffy jumped, swinging around to see her best friend staring at her
perplexed. “Willow hey,” she started, but suddenly arched an
eyebrow “What are you doing…. Um, don’t you have a class now,” she
finished, raising her right hand to look at the gold trim watch that adorned
her slender wrist. “I thought we were suppose to meet up later”
“Yeah,”
When
her friend did not answer and looked as if she was lost in one of her dazed
states again, eyes looking off into foreverness, thinking about-- “Buffy”
“Huh”
Buffy jumped once again. “God Will. I’m so sorry. What were you
saying” the blond looked up, weariness apparent in her features
“What’s
wro—“ the witch stopped suddenly finally figuring out why her friend seemed so
distant the past few days. “It’s Angel?” although phrased as a question,
she knew it to be fact
Buffy
didn’t answer, her head lowered as she stared at her hands, twining her fingers
together nervously.
“Did
he say something, cause ya know if he did, I could do him some real damage,”
she stated with a slight smirk, wanting to put a smile on the slayers face…
and… and it worked. It wasn’t a huge smile, but Willow saw the edges
of Buffy’s mouth slowly etching into a smile. A tiny little microscopic
smile, but it was better than nothing
“No,”
the O dragging on for a bit. “he wasn’t mean or anything” She straightens
up and turned her body to face Willow “We said our goodbyes quickly. I
only saw him for like 3 minutes, and then, that was it. Although
this Mehre…Morta… Montra… Um, this demon thingy crashed through his window, but
Angel killed it on the spot. It was kinda weird, but…” she trailed
off “Just seeing him again – “
“Hurt,”
Willow finished.
“Yeah,”
Buffy sighed “A lot”
“It’s
only natural Buffy,” Willow tried to heal her friend’s pain. You and
Angel had that whole Romeo and Juliet forbidden love thing. Although
Romeo wasn’t a vampire and well, Juliet wasn’t a slayer, but they loved each
other, but fate just dealt them a bad deal. Things that they had no control
over kept them apart. Although in the end, they both ended up dead,
with the fake poison and all, and Romeo thought his Juliet was dead, and god
that was so sad. If only he would of gotten the message, or… or… if
Juliet would of woken up earlier then…and I’m rambling aren’t I,” Willow
finished with a embarrassed smile
“Yeah…
just a smidge,” the slayer pointed out, her hand held in front view, her thumb
and pointer finger pressing down on one another. “But I get what your
trying to say,” she concluded. A few seconds later “Romeo and
Juliet? Really?”
“Forbidden
love of the rawest form,” the red head pondered. “Yep, Romeo and Juliet…
Buffy and Angel. Really”
Buffy
nodded her head in silent agreement, her face grim with pain of the obvious
comparison “Really”
“There’s
something else,” Willow observed. “You have a something else face,” she
probed, after a few seconds, wanting to get to the root cause of her
friends pain.
“It’s
just that I’ve been having these dreams,” Buffy acknowledged after a
while. She lifted her head, and locked eyes with her best friend.
“Willow, these dreams were vivid. The kind with surround sound, and
techno color. I’m talking the hills are alive with the sound of music
kinda vibe. Every thing was so clear, not usually how most dreams are, and
it’s really freaking me out,” the blond ended, fear creeping into her voice.
“Buffy
it’s ok. What was the dream about,” Willow asked a little panic.
She’s hasn’t seen Buffy this wigged in a while, and it disturbed her.
Buffy’s
gaze suddenly fell to the floor “I keep dreaming about Angel”
“Well,
that’s not that abnormal, really. It’s only natural, considering a week ago,
you guys were face to face”
“And
me. We were um-“ Buffy looked up to catch Willow’s confused face
“Oh,
oh, OOOooh. That kind of dream,” the red head finally caught on, now a
little flushed
Buffy
continued. “It was the night I came back from LA, and I wanted to get a little
patrolling done before I called it a night. Everything seemed fine, and
then”
“What?”
Willow asked intrigued
“I don’t
know exactly what Will. I just got these images in my head. I don’t
know where they came from, they just came. It seemed so real Will.”
She stroked a hand through her hair. “He was alive. I could feel
his heart beat. I could hear it. It seemed so real,” a tear
silently flows down her cheek. “Ever since then, every night, I dream the
same exact dream. Angel and I. We make love, and it’s
perfect. He doesn’t loose his soul, and we’re together. Finally
together,” she finished, now on the verge of sobbing
“Buffy,
it’s just a dream,” Willow comforts, her voice low and soothing
“But
how can you be so sure,” Buffy looked up through tear-filled eyes, her vision
blurred. “I mean…” She faltered, grief caught in her throat, as she
sobbed uncontrollably resting her head in the lap of her best friend.
“I
know. I know,” Buffy reluctantly conceded, as she wiped the tears from her
eyes. “It’s just I wish I could stop having these dreams”
“Give
it time”
Buffy
gazed up at her friend, fear glistening within her orbs “I don’t know
how”
“Give
it time,”
~I
know I can’t be with you, I do what I have to do~
~And
I have the sense to recognize, *but* I don’t know how to let you go~
~I
don’t know how to let you go~
~I don’t
know how to let you go~
THE
END!!!!!!!
