(Moltar, and Space Ghost are at a table in the commissary eating.)
Space Ghost- This is the best coffee I’ve ever had.
Moltar- That isn’t coffee.
SG- Oh. Then… what is it?
Moltar- Orange juice.
SG- Egads. (Long, awkward pause.)
(He drinks more of it.)
SG- Like I said, best Orange juice I’ve ever had.
Moltar- Uh-huh.
SG- Say, Moltar- before I fall unconscious, where’s Zorak?
Moltar- Beats me. He left the show.
SG- Egads. (Long, awkward pause. SG turns purple, then falls over unconscious.)
---
(Theme song plays. At point where SG should fade onto scene, there is a long pause. Cut to Moltar’s lair. He is wearing a chef’s hat and reading from a cook book, “101 recipes for EVIL” Cut to studio. Eventually, Space Ghost beams in. He is white again.)
SG- Greetings, citizens.
Moltar-(Standing right behind SG) Say, Space Ghost-
SG- Aack!
Moltar- Aagh!
SG- What are you doing here?! You’re supposed to be in your lair producing this pitiful excuse for a show! This thing isn’t even a full minute in, and it’s already in shambles! Since Zorak is, um, Zorak is… help me out here. Where’d he say he had gone?
Moltar- All he said was that he was leaving the show.
SG- Oh. Well, anyway, since Zorak isn’t here, I had to get Brak to play the keyboard!
(Cut to Zorak’s keyboard pod)
Brak- Hey, everybody! (Cut back to studio)
Moltar/SG- Aack! (Long, awkward pause)
SG- (sniffs air) Say, what’cha cookin’?
Moltar- Uh… nothing.
SG- Because I could really go for some lobster right about now.
Moltar- Space Ghost, I need some Oregano.
SG- Huh? I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you because I was thinking about lobsters.
Moltar- Oregano!
SG- Who now?
Moltar- (Angrily) It’s a spice, you idiot!
SG- Wow, you got the Spice Girls to be on the show?
Moltar- You’re not listening to me, are you?
(SG speaks babble about the spice girls, while Moltar walks off stage muttering)
Moltar- Sometimes I don’t know why I bother. I’ll show him, I’ll show them all. He thinks he’s so big…
SG- Play me to the desk Brak, ‘cause I want to meet the Spice Girls!
(Cut to Zorak’s keyboard pod)
Brak- Darn tootin’! (Plays Jingle Bells off-key as SG inviso-belts to his desk.)
SG- Bring on the first guest, Moltar! Or should I say, bring on the Spice Girls? (Smiles, teeth sparkle.)
(Yet another long, awkward pause.)
SG- Moltar?
(Cut to Moltar’s Lair. Now wearing a cowboy’s hat and holding a book labeled “101 Recipes for Mesquite EVIL”, he is cooking lobster.)
SG- Forget it, I’ll do it myself. (He fires at the ceiling with his spank ray repeatedly, and after a few seconds a flaming monitor comes crashing to the ground. SG looks at Brak)
SG- Say, Brak, would you be a dear and-
Brak- I’m on it, Mr. Ghost-Man! (Brak jumps up off-screen and soon a monitor comes down with Brak clinging on its side. The monitor has David Duchovney [of X-Files] on it.)
SG- Good work. Now, get off that monitor, so I can-
Brak- No, I don’t want to!
SG- Don’t make me use my Spank Ray on you.
Brak- Oh all right, you big meanie. (Hops away to the keyboard pod)
SG- (To Brak) I am not. (Turns to monitor.) Welcome to my show, Spice Girls! You know, I’m your biggest, (Stretches) most muscular fan, and I can do all sorts of neat tricks. (Zorak is holding a flaming hoop) Look, I can jump through this hoop! (Jumps through, then a few seconds later bursts into flame)
Zorak- Hiya.
SG-Aack!
Moltar- (Wearing a space helmet and holding a book labeled, “101 Recipes for EVIL… in Space.”) Aack!
David- Aack!
(Cut to a pasture)
Cow- (Very distressed) Moo!!!
(Cut back to studio.)
SG- What are YOU doing here? I thought you were leaving this show… you no good smarty-pants!
Zorak- I am, I just forgot to take my bowling ball with me. ([For a pleasant change of pace] a short, awkward pause)
SG- What on earth would you need a bowling ball for?
Zorak- Why would you want to know?
SG- Because you are my insectoid prisoner!
Zorak- I quit the show, doofus.
SG- Oh. Would you tell me anyway?
Zorak- Oh, all right. I need this bowling ball because… (zoom in to his face) I’m leaving this dump to become a league bowler!! (Dramatic sting music)
SG- Nooo!!!
(Cut to Moltar’s lair)
Moltar- (Wearing a Viking helmet and holding a book labeled, “101 Recipes for Norwiegan EVIL.”) Aack!
(Cut to a pasture)
Cow- (Very distressed) Moo!!!
(Cut to studio.)
SG- You’re WHAT??!
Zorak- You heard me. Now, I’m outta here. (Hops away)
(SG casually inviso-belts to his desk, still on fire. Brak plays Jingle Bells off-key again.)
SG- So anyway, which Spice Girl are you? Ginger? She left the group, you know.
David- This might shock you, Space Ghost, but I’m not one of the Spice Girls.
SG- (You know, this show is going pretty well after all.)
David- Space Ghost-
SG- (I’m interviewing the Spice Girls, and-)
David- Space Ghost?
SG- (Soon Moltar is going to bring me my lobster, and-)
David- Space Ghost!
SG- What?
David- I don’t know if it’s my haircut that misled you, but I’m not one of the Spice Girls.
SG- Y-You’re not?
David- No.
SG- No, as in ‘no, I am not’, or no as in ‘no, yes I am’?
David- No, as in ‘no I am not’.
SG- No I am not, as in-
(Cut to Moltar’s lair. [SG and David are still arguing] Moltar is cooking the lobster and adding ‘orange juice’. Suddenly, there is a small explosion, and dramatic sting music. A weird, slobbering noise can be heard.)
Moltar- Uh-oh.
(Cut back to the studio. SG and David are still arguing)
SG- No I am not, stop asking me that, as in ‘no-
David- I assure you that I am not, nor have I ever been a Spice Girl.
SG- Rats! Moltar lied to me! (Yelling) Moltar! Come here immediately!
Moltar- (Just off-stage) Um, Space Ghost…
SG- There you are! Now, come over here for a good, old-fashioned pummeling!!
Moltar- Those lobsters I was cooking…
SG- What about them?
Moltar- (Many huge, slobbering lobsters are sticking out of the door behind Moltar)
They ,uh… mutated. (Dramatic sting music)
SG- (Very high-pitched, like a girl) Eek! I mean, aack!
David- Aack!
(Cut to live-action bowling alley, Zorak is wearing a bowling shirt)
Zorak- Aack!
(Cut to pasture)
Sheep- (Actually, not that distressed at all) Baa.
Brak- (With lobster on his head, making a soft, drilling noise) What are we going to do, Space Ghost?
SG- I say we just let them run around. With luck, they’ll all die of starvation… (Close-up) …before they can breed. (Dramatic sting music) So, David, what did you say you do again?
David- Are you sure that’s healthy?
SG- (Still on fire, just not as badly. Somewhat singed.) What, the lobsters?
David- No, your being on fire like that. I think I read somewhere that that’s bad for you.
SG- I’ll be fine. So anyway, welcome to the show, uh…
David- Duchovney. David Duchovney.
SG- Ghost. Space Ghost.
(Cut to the keyboard pod)
Brak- Brak. Brak-brak. Brak-brak-brak-brak-brak. (He keeps saying ‘Brak’ over and over as David and SG talk.)
SG- So anyway, uh…
David- David.
SG- Yeah, whatever. Anyway, since you’re not one of the Spice Girls, I have to throw out my question list and wing it. (Pauses.) So, ever wonder if sea horses go to the same heaven that we do when they die?
David- No, it hadn’t crossed my mind.
SG- Uh-huh. (Pauses.) Brak, shut up.
(Cut to Zorak’s pod)
Brak- No, I don’t want to.
(Cut to studio.)
SG- I don’t care.
(Cut to Zorak’s pod.)
Brak- Help me, Mr. Ghost-Man! There’s a lobster on my head!
(Cut to studio)
SG- Good for you. It will probably bore a hole into the back of your head, then steal your peanut-shaped brain and wear it like a coonskin cap. But, what do I know? (Dramatic sting music. SG turns back to David) So anyway, uh…
David- I went to all the trouble to learn your name, and the least that you could do is to try to learn mine, Jeffrey.
SG- I’m not Jeffrey! I’m…(Stretches, with a reverb effect.) Space Ghost!!
David- Really, because I thought that you were Elton John.
SG- I get that a lot more than you’d think.
Brak- Me too!
SG- Will you shut up?!
David- Who is that guy?
SG- Unfortunately, he is Brak.
David- I thought there was some sort of insect there.
SG- (Also now with a lobster on his head making a soft drilling noise) Zorak left to be with that league bowling crowd. I never should’ve taken him there to begin with.
(Flashback to the live-action bowling alley. Moltar, Zorak, and Space Ghost are bowling, and Zorak is keeping score. Space Ghost is up, and bowls a strike)
Zorak- Ooh, another gutter ball!
SG- Are you sure that knocking down the pins is bad?
Zorak- Yes.
SG- Man, I’ve been getting gutter balls all evening.
Zorak- Maybe you should aim at the gutter instead.
(Flashback ends)
SG- I hate that mantis so much. (He is no longer on fire.)
David- He’s just jealous of you because you’re the snappier dresser.
SG- Yeah. I can’t hate him, he was the glue that held this show together. Without him, we’re being attacked by lobsters.
(Cut to Zorak’s keyboard pod)
Brak- Not to mention that I can only play one song. (Starts playing Jingle Bells off-key)
(Cut to studio)
SG- What about all those ones you sang on “Cartoon Planet”?
(Cut to Zorak’s pod)
Brak- (Stops) You mean you actually WANT to hear those?
(Cut to studio)
SG- Hmm, good point. (Long awkward pause) What was I talking about again?
David- Zorak.
SG- Oh yeah. (Short, thoughtful pause, during which for no reason classical music plays.)
SG- I know! We could go to the Council of Doom, and get them to get Zorak to come back to the show!
(Cut to Moltar’s lair.)
Moltar- Space Ghost, the Council of Doom has been constantly trying to kill you for 35 years.
(Cut to studio)
SG- So?
(Cut to Moltar’s lair.)
Moltar- Why on earth would they help you?
SG- Hmm, you’re right. I’d better sleep on this decision.
(Falls asleep. Interrupt Feed.)
---
(Resume Feed. Space Ghost is in a beehive-like dungeon room. Suddenly, a gerbil several times larger than SG and wearing a purple cape speaks.)
Gigantar- (Quite loud-and-boomingly) I am Gigantar the Hamster God!!! Worship me, Space Ghost, or face death!!!
SG- Never!
(Shoots at Gigantar, but the beam bounces off without effect.)
Gigantar- Foolish mortal! (Shoots green eye lasers at SG, who screams ‘No!!!’) BUWAHAHAHAHA!
(Ripple effect, turns out to be a dream sequence. Cut to studio)
SG-NO! Not the hamsters, anything but the hamsters! NO!
Zorak- Snap out of it, you idiot!
SG- Aack, it’s you! (Happily) You came back!
Zorak- Yeah, right. I just forgot my bowling ball.
SG- You already have your ball.
Zorak- I meant to say shirt, bowling shirt. They can’t let you play unless you have a bowling shirt. (Laughs nervously)
SG- You’re wearing a bowling shirt now.
Zorak- Oh. Heh-heh, how about that.
SG- That’s not why you came here, is it?
Zorak- Um, I, uh…gotta go! (Leaps offscreen)
SG- No! We lost him! …Let’s go to the Council now. Ginger, stay here.
David- Don’t call me that.
(SG flies off with a whooshing noise. Cut to the council of doom. Zorak’s seat is replaced by a normal-sized Gigantar the Hamster God, who is actually a gerbil despite his name. Moltar’s seat is empty, with a little ‘vacancy’ sign placed on it. SG is there along with Moltar and Brak, who still has that lobster on his head.)
Spider Woman/Black Widow-This meeting of the Council of Doom comes to order. First off, is there any new business?
SG-Uh, yes.
Black Widow- The council recognizes Space Ghost.
SG- Do you know where Zorak is?
Black Widow- No. Is there anythi- (sniffs) Moltar, is that you?
Moltar- (Wearing chef’s hat and holding a wooden spoon) Yeah, why?
Black Widow- You’ve been cooking lobster again, haven’t you?
Moltar- How’d you know?
Black Widow- (sniffs) You forgot the Oregano, didn’t you?
Moltar- I didn’t have any, and Space Ghost wouldn’t give me his.
Black Widow- You know, Moltar, you can always come back to your spot on the council anytime you want to.
Moltar- No, it’d be too awkward after that faithful evening…
(Flashback sequence: Moltar is wearing a tuxedo and is with Spider Woman/Black Widow in a restaurant, eating.)
Moltar- …so then he said, ‘You and what army?’ So naturally, I had him killed.
(They breaks out laughing, they do.)
Black Widow- Moltar, I think that we should see other people.
Moltar- W-what?
(Flashback ends, with a close up on Moltar’s helmet. A tear comes out of his visor, to sad Italian music.)
Moltar- I need to get back before, uh, before the lobsters are overdone. (He runs away crying)
SG- Heh heh, uh… I should leave.
(He flies away, Brak hops after him with lobster drilling into his head. Cut back to studio. SG lands back in desk.)
SG-Man, that went well. Maybe I should just end the show now, while I still have my dignity.
(Cut to Moltar’s Lair. He is wearing moose antlers and holding a cookbook, the title of which can’t be seen.)
Moltar- Okay. (Pulls a lever. Credits roll prematurely for about five seconds)
SG- Say, I just had another idea! Moltar, stop that!
(Credits stop, cut to Moltar’s lair.)
Moltar- Two ideas in one show? Are you sure that’s healthy? (Cut to studio)
SG- Heh, heh, heh, shut up Moltar. I just realized, why not go to the bowling alley myself?
(Cut to Moltar’s lair.)
Moltar- Another blinding flash of the obvious.
(Cut to studio)
SG- Will you stop being such a sourpuss?
(Cut to Moltar’s lair.)
Moltar- No.
(Cut to studio)
SG- (Glares at Moltar briefly) Huh. (Stands up) Well, I’m going to that bowling alley, to grab Zorak back from its pulsating, neon tentacles! Wanna come with me, Ginger? We could all get nachos afterwards.
David- No thanks.
SG- Are you sure?
David- Yes.
SG- Yes, as in- (Interrupted by a very loud drilling noise and its abrupt stopping)
SG- What was that?
(Cut to Zorak’s pod. Brak is leaning forward over the keyboard and apparently dead. The lobster is crawling away with a small peanut-shaped brain on top of its head, worn like a Davy Crockett hat. The lobster says ‘yippie!’ in a high-pitched voice. Cut to studio.)
SG- (screaming like a girl) Eek! Those lobsters drilled a hole into Brak’s head and stole his brain!
(Cut to Moltar’s lair.)
Moltar- Told you they mutated.
David- There’s one on your head too!
SG- Well, the joke’s on them. I have no brain to take! (Drilling noise gets louder and stops. Lobster falls off of SG’s head and crawls away.) See? (Smiles)
David- That was interesting.
SG- And now that I have vanquished the foe at hand, I can now penetrate the evil fortress that is Rick’s Bowling & Bar and save my friend Zorak! …So that I can punish him severely for leaving the show!
David- That’s not very nice.
SG- Well, I’m just not a very nice guy. Plus, he deserves it because he’s a mantis.
David- That’s quite racist of you.
SG- Thanks, but I have to get going. (Flies away, making a ‘whoosh’ noise)
David- Is Brak dead?
Moltar- (Standing by an open door next to the studio, now has a lobster) Probably, but he’ll be fine for the next episode.
David- There’s a lobster on your head.
Moltar- (Dramatic sting music) Uh-oh. (The drilling gets louder and stops. A lobster crawls away, saying ‘yippee’ in a high-pitched voice and wearing a large brain on top of its head like a coonskin cap. Moltar falls over, apparently dead. The other lobsters converge beneath David’s monitor.)
David- This is the last time I’m going on a talk show.
(Cut to SG’s ghost ship flying. Inside, Blip is flying with him. Cut to ship interior.)
SG- Thanks for coming with me. I get lonely on long flights.
Blip- Ook, ook!
SG- You’ve got that right! (Laughs)
(Cut to the bowling alley's entrance. 'Rick's Bowling and Bar' is on a large neon sign along with three flashing neon bowling pins. SG climbs out of the Phantom Cruiser with Blip following and he walks up to a short, fat little green alien who looks like he came straight out of the commissary.)
SG- (Hands keys to parking valet) Try not to scratch the new paint job.
(SG and Blip walk inside. The valet steals the ghost-ship immediately. Cut to the entryway, a small plus-shaped hallway. The alley is in front of SG and Blip, an arcade to their left, and restrooms to their right. SG squints and several tiny red lasers can just barely be made out. They criss-cross, blocking off the bowling alley, arcade, and restrooms.)
SG- (Whispering) We have to get Zorak back immediately, and with utmost care and st- (Looks to his left and sees the arcade) Look Blip, air hockey! (Runs into the arcade room tripping several of the lasers and causing a red light to start flashing, along with a wailing siren. Blip shrugs and follows him, walking around the lasers. Cut to blank screen with the words,'Two Hours Later', then cut to the hallway.)
SG- (Walking out of arcade) I still can’t believe that I lost to a monkey wearing a jetpack. Come on Blip, let’s go back to the studio and get drunk or something.
Blip- Ook, ook!
SG- Oh, yeah- Zorak!
(Cut to the bowling alley. Zorak is sitting down. SG and Blip sneak up behind him, holding small tree branches in front of their faces. Space Ghost is also holding a net.)
SG- (Whispering) Here Zorak, Zorak, Zorak… Space Ghost has a nice spank ray for you…
Zorak- I’ll come back to the show.
SG- (Whispering) I think he saw us, Blip!
Blip- Ook, ook!
SG- I am NOT an idiot.
Zorak- Turns out that I can’t use a bowling ball on account of I have pincers instead of hands, so let’s just go.
(Short, awkward pause)
SG- (Yelling) Get him!!
(He throws the net over Zorak and Blip claws at Zorak’s face screeching)
Zorak- What the- you idiot! I said that I’d come with you willingly! Put me down!
SG- Don’t play your evil mind games with me, foul mantis! (He uses the spank ray, and the net briefly twitches, then stops moving. SG and Blip stare at each other)
Blip- Ook, ook!
SG- Oh, he is not dead.
(Cut back to the studio. Moltar and Brak are still dead, and the lobsters seem to be gone)
SG- Aah… It’s good to be home.
Zorak- Why are Brak and Moltar dead?
SG- What do you mean, Zorak? Moltar's not dead yet, he’s- (looks at Moltar, screams like a high-pitched girl) Eek! Corpses on the floor! Corpses on my freshly waxed studio floor! Eek! (Stops) Hey, where did all the lobsters go?
Zorak- What lobsters?
SG- Exactly. (Sniffs air, ominously) And it smells like orange juice in here too. That means… (A lobster is on David’s head)
David- Run for it, Space Ghost!!
(Gigantar the Hamster God pops out from behind a corner, gerbil-sized.)
Gigantar-Attack, my lobster minions, attack!!
(A huge group of lobsters swarm Zorak and SG. They scream from pain. Suddenly a ripple effect, and it turns out that the whole episode was a dream of Zorak.)
Zorak- Aagh, not the lobsters! (Blinks) Geez, that’s the third time this week.
(Credits roll)
---
(Space Ghost is wearing a purple robe over his normal clothes, sitting in a chair and smoking a pipe. He is in a room lined with bookshelves containing classic literature, and he is the only thing that isn’t in live action. The room is basked in a dark shadow that is suddenly overcome with light from the small lamp SG turns on. A hushed, golf-announcer type narrator chimes in.)
Narrator- And now, a public service announcement from Space Ghost.
SG- Hello. (Puts down pipe and stands up. In a serious, compassionate voice.) I have been brought here today to give you a very important message. That message is about bowling. Many people have asked me, "But Bowling isn’t bad for you, Space Ghost… is it?" Well, it is bad. Bowling is evil. It divides families, strains arm muscles, and siphons excess brain energy to power the mother brain’s mechanical home planet. So when a rowdy group of ner-do-well teenage hooligans challenge you to a bowling game, I beg of you to just say no.
(Sits back down in chair, turns off lamp.)
Narrator- This message has been brought to you by the people for demolishment of Rick’s Bowling and Bar.
