I live in an apartment building and my apartment is the last one in my building. One of my bedroom windows faces another building across the sidewalk from me. Looking out of my window last night I saw my neighbor in his bedroom. I couldn’t help but watch… he is kind of cute and he looks to be around my age (early 20’s). I watched him take off his cloths and get ready to take a shower. He walked by his window a few times naked. I think he figured somebody was watching him though because even though he didn’t close the window he somehow managed to keep the important part covered. He had a very nice body. He put on some shorts and a shirt after he finished showering but I had already seen enough to make my night.

After watching this whole scene I thought I would stay turned on but something unexpected happened to me… I got lonely. Never have I been lonelier than when I was so close to what I wanted but couldn’t have. I guess it’s no secret that I don’t get to date very much… I’m not very good at starting conversations with people in public. Sometimes I get lonely and my heart wants to be with someone so bad that I do stupid things like letting myself fall for straight guys like the one I used to be friends with in college. What I can’t figure out is why so many of us as human beings have this inner need to be with someone. As Americans we are raised with the idea that our life isn’t complete unless we have someone to share it with. I’m sure it’s not intentional but everywhere you look you will find people telling you to get married or find someone to share your life with. In almost every movie the main character has a romance at the end of the movie and they live happily ever after. The first thing someone will ask you who you haven’t seen in a while is usually how is school/work and are you seeing someone. Why is it so important that we have a companion in life? It seems that for someone to be single by the time they are 30 is almost a crime. I’m 22 and I have never even had a real boyfriend. I’m to the point of wondering if I ever will.

I guess I fell into the trap of needing to be with someone. I heard once growing up that we are all half a person and to be a whole person we need to find our soul mate. Someone that we fit with mind, body, and spirit. I have always wondered though if it is really possible for a gay person to have a soul mate. Because if you think about it we don’t really fit together physically… not the way God intended anyway. When it comes to sex we just make due with what we have. And of course there is the fact that girls outnumber the male population something like two to one. And of those guys only a small portion of them are gay. So for someone like me who has a difficult time talking to people in the club atmosphere… where am I going to meet someone? Where am I ever going to find my soul mate? Am I ever going to have more in life then a straight crush for a friend or a quick thrill from watching the boy next door? I went to a fortuneteller once who said that I will be married by the time I was 27. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.