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Gary Gaetti vs. Reb Brown

VS

Gary Gaetti, former slugger for the Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals, California Angels, St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago Cubs, and Boston Red Sox, as we know, is as tough as a junkyard dog and isn't afraid of anyone when shit hits the fan.

Reb Brown might be a tough customer for Gary. Reb is a former (I hope he isn't "acting" anymore) actor who was in the blockbuster movies: Cage 2 The Arena of Death, That's Action, The Killing Streets, Distant Thunder, The Howling 2-Your Sister is a Werewolf, Mercenary Fighters, Yor the Hunter From the Future, Captin America 2 Death Too Soon, and his crowning acheivement----the one and only----SPACE MUTINY!!! At any rate, Reb went to St. Cropius of Northern...and majored in hand-to-hand combat while minoring in nunchucks. Reb has been in many, many bad movies but if Reb could comment on this, I think he would say something like "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

The Street Hunter Cage part uno.

Space Mutiny according to the international (inter-galactic)consensus, it one of the worst movies of all time. It is clearly the worst space movie. Tellmann and I saw this on Mystery Science Theater, one fine morning, and we couldn't stop laughing. At one point, Brown screams like a girl and then tries to cover it up in a scene a few minutes later with a manly scream.....I'm pretty sure editing existed in 1988. The effort of Reb Brown(Dave Ryder) and Cameron Mitchell(Commander Jansen) as their ship (The Southern Sun) heads toward the Corona Borealis is one for "the books". If you are ever watching USA, wasted, at 5:00AM with friends....and Space Mutiny crashes into your television programming.....be sure that you have a few more cold beers left and enjoy this one!

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Here is a funny review of Space Mutiny by, I have to say...a colleague of sorts, Nathan Shumate:

Uh. Ubba duh. Dubbuwuh ugga dubbaduh.

You'll have to pardon me. My brain is currently in the middle of rewiring around damaged sections of my cortex, due to my recent viewing of perennial IMDB Bottom 100 denizen, Space Mutiny. The neurons in question were not savaged by an aneurism, nor throttled by a stroke; they simply lost all will to live. Duggagah baggah duh...

The video cover has the temerity to proclaim, "Breathtaking Special Effects From the Team That Brought You 'STAR WARS.'" Well, technically, I suppose, that's sorta true. See, all of the outer space footage in Space Mutiny was cobbled from episodes of Battlestar Galactica. All of it. Very obviously. And since John Dykstra did do special effects for Star Wars and then move on to Battlestar Galactica... My personal feeling is that honesty would be better served by stating, "Breathtaking Special Effects Taken From an Original Source Which Employed the Team That Brought You 'STAR WARS ,'" but when did honesty ever sell movies?

Our story takes place on the Southern Star, a huge generation ship on its way to found a new colony. And yup, there it is, the Galact-- uh, the Southern Sun, drifting through space. It's run by Commander Jansen (Cameron Mitchell, whose amazing career spanned five decades of bottom-of-the-barrel crap, with a big fuzzy beard), who's still trying to fulfill the mission of the original pioneers four generations later. But there are some aboard who are getting impatient, and chief among them is Flight Commander and Enforcer Fascist Kalgan (John Phillip Law, most famous for Barbarella -- and let me tell you, there ain't no one who can mwah-ha-ha-hah like this guy). Not that I blame them; aside from the bridge and a few other sets, the entire rest of the ship looks suspiciously like an industrial factory, with pipes and catwalks and all that stuff. Seems that in four generations aboard, they could have found some time for a little interior decorating.

Anyway. Kalgan's plan involved sabotaging the auto-pilot controls that bring their Viper fighters (gee, those look familiar) back on board the Gala-- uh, Southern Sun after they fight off a handful of "pirates" flying very familiar clamshell-shaped ships. All it will take is one well-placed crashland in the docking bay, and no one will be able to leave or enter the ship for weeks, during which time he'll effect a mutiny, and force the ship to head for the nearby system of Corona Borealis, a pirate-run planet on which he'll become the sadistic yet benevolent despot over the Southern Sun inhabitants. Mwah-ha-ha-hah!

In this particular case, only one pilot makes it back anyway from a run-in with the Cylo-- uh, pirates: Big brawny blond Dave Ryder, brought to life for us by Reb Brown. Yes, this is crap movie fave Reb Brown of the late '70's Captain America TV-movies and of Yor, Hunter From the Future, and yes, punchlines involving either of those enterprises are entirely apppropriate for the next hour and a half. Ryder escapes the crashland thanks to an experimental ejection teleporter thingie; his passenger, a Professor Spooner, isn't so lucky. (We never do get to find out who this professor was, or why he was outside the ship, or where he was coming back from. Perhaps he was just glad to get out of this movie without ever showing his face.)

It is during his debriefing that Ryder meets Commander Jansen's daughter, Lea. Naturally, since Lea really admired Professor Spooner, she blames his death on Ryder, and presto! we're hip-deep in the well-worn rut of Romance Through Antagonism. A note about Lea (played by Cissy Cameron, whose other credits include The Ted Knight Show and Porky's 2): She may be wasp-waisted, and she may be the designated love interest here, but she also bears an appalling resemblance to Miss Michael Learned, who played Ma on The Waltons, and frankly, seeing Ma Walton eventually surrender to the charms of Yor was a little more than I needed to anticipate.

Before we get any farther, I should note that a Galactica-issue shuttle made it back to the Southern Sun (see, I said it right) before the crashland, carrying survivors from some other shipwreck. The survivors are Bellerian women who wear veils and don't speak because they're telepathic and anyway, they don't have anything to say. Given a cargo room to themselves (love that Southern Sun hospitality), they immediately set up a pyramid of plasma globes and do interpretive dance around it. You may be waiting for them to do something more in the course of the story; don't. They contribute nothing. Every now and again they act as if they're going to make a prophetic statement or psychically influence the bad guys, but then nothing happens. So they just strut around, doing veiled interpretive dance.

Speaking of dancing, we can now segue into the single most impressive scene of the movie. Of course, it wasn't meant to be that way -- at least, not impressive in the hilariously, mind-bogglingly inept way it turned out. See, every generation ship needs after-hours entertainment, and the Ga-- Southern Sun (dammit) is no exception, thus there's a nightclub. And being that this movie was made in the eighties, the music to which everyone is future-dancing is pure eighties disco. And since this is a grade-z sci-fi movie, everyone's costumes are silvery and have huge epaulets (including Ryder, who is graced with the only silvery epauleted muscle-T in the movie). But since these people in the future are really desperate for novelty, they do their dancing with hula hoops.

I gaped. I stared. I hooted like a barn owl in derisive merriment. There they were, extras in silver suits, all dancing around with hula hoops. And then, to sweeten it, Lea comes in to blow off some steam, and spends the next several minutes cutting a rug with a hula hoop and shaking her groove thang at Ryder, with whom she's decided to patch up.

Folks, there's no way mere words can describe the sheer loopiness of this scene. It salved, for several seconds, the numbness of brain cells fading into obscurity.

From here, it's all downhill.

Ryder and Lea catch wind of Kalgan's Enforcers rubbing out a bridge officer who may have evidence of their sabotage, which leads us into a long bumper car chase, and many explosions and stunt men throwing themselves off catwalks. (What's the big deal? Next scene on the bridge, there's the bridge officer, hale and hearty! You don't see continuity gaffs of that caliber often enough.) And since they can't use Battlestar Galactica footage to pad the scene, they do the next best thing: reuse their own footage. We get to see one particular explosion four times from the same angle.

I could go on with the plot description, but I can feel the still-alert neurons looking wistfully at their gangrenous companions, so I'd best stop reliving it in such detail. As for the plot, suffice it to say there's a lot more pointless running around in vaguely industrial locations and people falling from catwalks where, more than once, red tanks are piled up with a sign -- "Danger! Methane Gas!"; there's some more romancing between Ryder and Lea (including a flash of nipple -- remember when you could slip those into a PG movie?); there's a battle against more pirate ships in which everyone conveniently forgets that the Southern Sun's vipers can't leave the hangar (or are we just supposed to ignore those Colonial fighters in the stock footage?); and the Bellerians keep up their interpretive dancing at random intervals for no apparent purpose and with no apparent effect. Both Ryder and Lea demonstrate their graduation from the B-Movie School of Cliche Gambits (he knocks out a guardand steals his uniform at the exact moment that she's seducing her lone guard to get him close enough to club).

I can't say conclusively that Space Mutiny deserves to be in the IMDb Bottom 100 (currently ranking at #10, right behind such fare as Future War (#1), Troll 2 (#5) and The Howling: New Moon Rising (#7)), but that's only because I haven't seen all movies made and can't prove that there aren't a hundred films worse than this. Certainly, it seems as if second-string schlock director David Winters went out of his way to create a worthless movie. Between the epaulets, the 8088's which populate the terminals of the bridge, the "spaceship" corridors constructed of brick, the endless and recognizable stock footage (wouldn't that be the first rule of stock footage -- don't use footage from recognizable and recognizably-better sources?), the paucity of acting talent, and the guy with a cane who looks like Billy Drago's less talented brother...

Under recommendations ("If you like this title, we also recommend..."), the IMDb lists Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier . Somehow, I can't think of a comment that sums it up better.

Notable Quotables: "Is a woman allowed to buy a man a drink in your galaxy?"

"They've managed to uncover even the smallest details of our well-laid plans!"

Some Notable Totables:

body count: 55 breasts: 1 explosions: 85 dream sequences: 1 ominous thunderstorms: 0 actors who've appeared on Star Trek : 0

Nathan Shumate 8/17/00

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A list of Reb Brown classics:

Cage 2: The Arena of Death (1994)

The Firing Line (1991)

Killing Streets (1991)

That's Action (1990)

Street Hunter (1990)

Cage (1988)

Distant Thunder (1988)

Mercenary Fighters (1988)

Space Mutiny (1988)

Strike Commando (1987)

Death of a Soldier (1985)

Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

Uncommon Valor (1983)

Yor, The Hunter From the Future (1983)

Captain America (1979)

Captain America 2 - Death Too Soon (1979)

Fast Break (1979)

Captain America II (1979)

Last Flight to Hell

Guest Starring Roles Bosom Buddies - Roger - The Show Must Go On (1981)

The Facts Of Life - I.D. checker - The New Girl (Part 1) (1980)

Three's Company - Elmo Hacker - Ralph's Rival (1979)

Chico and the Man - Frank - Louie's Can-Can (1977)

The Rockford Files - lifeguard - Gearjammers (Part 1) (1975)

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Bonus: A review of "Yor, The Hunter From the Future":

Sam: Yor, the Hunter From the Future is a movie so thoroughly wretched, so exasperatingly foul, that I have to suspect it was made by aliens in an effort to conquer the human race by pummeling its sanity with cinematic pain.

The movie wastes no time in sinking to its astonishing lows: it starts with the title. What an incredibly stupid title. What do you get when you name a character Yor? It elicits a snicker every time his name is spoken. "She's with Yor," one character says, and you want to say, "She's with my what?" The other problem I have with the title is that Yor is only a hunter by a stretch of the imagination, and he's not really from the future. But who can tell? This movie has so few explanations (read: none) for why things are the way they are that I have no clue what the screenwriter's intentions were.

Other unexplained phenomenons (and keep in mind each question I ask is conspicuously not answered or even asked in the movie) are as follows. Two guys are frozen in a glacier, but one woman isn't. So? How do two people suddenly get frozen in a glacier anyway? Who the heck are they? Yor suggests his company split up -- on two separate occasions. Why? For what purpose? I'll tell you. It's just a line thrown out once to help the plot and once for apparently no reason at all, as nothing comes of it.

The movie gets progressively obscure and obtuse as it goes, until finally, when everybody winds up in the evil badguy's hideout, the show grinds to a miserable, insufferably boring halt. The characters roam around the confusingly constructed hideout, say completely random things, do completely random things, until finally the movie decides to end (something it should have done long before it did). I have never seen a less interesting evil badguy. His name is apparently "Overlord," and his deadpan musings on, well, whatever it was he was rambling on about, induced such restlessness that my sofa will never be the same. His acts are the most random of the bunch. Sometimes he orders people to be captured, and sometimes he orders them to be let go. He's always talking about something dumb, though, and he's always walking around like he actually had somewhere to go.

The movie's attempt at social significance is beyond pathetic. A bald guy in white shows up out of absolutely nowhere, gives a brief (but not brief enough) lecture on how people as a race are bad. Moments later he challenges the badguy's efforts at world domination by proclaiming how people as a race are good. This character had no other scenes.

I could go on and discuss such details as the slow moving laser beams one could outrun, the drop down a fifty foot cliff that Yor survives, the tribal dances that consist of donning a spider web and spinning around, the desert sand that ignites like gasoline, and the humongous roaring dinosaurs that keep sneaking up on people. But you get the idea. There's scarcely the attempt at anything that makes a good movie, and frankly this is even pretty painful to watch as a bad movie. It's not so-bad-it's-funny, it's so-bad-it's-dumb. And if I ever have to see Yor's stupid little grin again, I am going to expire, spontaneously, on the spot.

"Yor!"; the exact moment that he travels through time; the worst opening credits top 40 song we've ever sat through; horrifyingly bad laser battles at the end

I think Yor might be something like "Lothar...of the Hill People"

I think Reb is wearing out that "Kurt Russell" look

If you or anyone you love would like to contact Reb....drop him a line at his home (it should be legit-skies): BROWN Reb 5454 Las Virgines Road, Calabasas, CA 91302, USA.

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