01/01/00:
yup. it's that date you've seen printed so many times. it's strange for it to be today's date, isn't it? i mean, wow. we saw the millenium. how we spent new year's eve 1999 will be a story our kids might ask us to relate to them. it will be "wow, mommy saw the millenium." but i won't have much of a story to tell. when my children (provided i have them) ask me "mommy, you were alive in 1999, right? how did you spend new year's?" and i'll say "well, none of mommy's six friends were home, except for one, and she had to write a report because mommy's sophomore history teacher was a jackass, so mommy didn't get to do anything fun for the millenium. she had to stay home. she and your grandparents and aunts played monopoly and jenga. but she spent most of the evening online, talking to other people with no lives. then, her friend kristin called. mommy and her friend talked for an hour and a half. during that time, your mommy missed the countdown to 2000, cuz NBC is run by idiots that very nearly missed it cuz they went to commercial. plus, mommy and her friend were talking. then, when mommy realized it was y2k and nothing had happened AND she had missed the countdown, mommy was pissed. so mommy decided to MAKE y2k happen. she shut off all the lights and lit all her candles, and sat in her room ranting about how much her new year's bit, and listening to kristin say the same. and all the while, mommy was looking out the window, hoping the apocalypse would come. but it didn't. nobody even tried to blow us up. mommy was dissappointed. but the next morning, she felt a little bit better, especially since she didn't go out drinking and call people and make an ass out of herself. she was just glad she didn't drink. your mommy was a goody-goody. you don't have to be like that. you don't make many friends that way. kids, don't be like your mother. if you do, everyone will hate you, and so will you."
01/02/00:
i feel like i need to write something. but i don't know what. i can't even think of something to babble about. last night i was pretty depressed. that seems to be happening more and more lately. i wonder why. and i wonder if i should do something about it. but i really don't want to. screw success. screw feeling good about yourself. this is probably what you deserve, emily.
01/07/00:
Sorry I haven't written for a few days, I've been pretty busy lately. And I have a lot to say, too! I think I'll start w/ the beginning... The story I was writing has run into a little snag, one of the kind that makes something unwriteable, so that's been scrapped. Wednesday night I had confirmation. We ate tacos, stayed at the church instead of going over to the CE (christian education) building, watched a video, and got bitched out by Peggy, my confirmation guide. Martine, Kristin, and I were talking, and Peggy doesn't like us (or Jesus, according to Martine) and she came over and decided to ruin our day. Ha. Didn't work. "I know you guys don't like me..." Duh. NOBODY likes you, Peggy! Anyway, then we watched the video, which was ANOTHER one about "the Columbine tragedy." This was Rachel Scott (the girl who said she believed in God and got shot)'s father, and he was talking about his daughter and how she wanted to be martyred (well, he didn't say it, but it was pretty obvious), and just stuff about the tragedy in general. Martine and I were commenting on it, just because we're SO sick of all the attention that got. Kids die every day and nobody cares, a couple kids go and shoot up their school and EVERYONE notices. But, anyway, I learned a few things from the movie. 1. Sometimes if you want something enough, it'll happen (Rachel Scott seemed to want to be a martyr, for example) 2. We're all gonna die on April 1, because I had a dream about a school shooting on January 1, and some guy had a dream about a shooting on January 20, and on April 20... And you know what the funny thing was? He didn't remember his dream 'til AFTER the shooting got all that publicity. Hmm... 3. *stands up and gives one of those hail hitler salutes* "I will carry the torch!"
So, that was Wednesday.
Thursday: band was scarring. I won't go into it because I've given Martine and Kristin yet another bad mental picture triggered by the word "speedo."
Also, I let Hannah borrow my history tests and make copies of them to study for the upcoming semester test. She got sick of it after copying 2 and gave them to Martine to finish. Martine didn't make 20 copies of them for everyone like Hannah asked. She just took 'em home. Now "she won't give them back" to hannah and it's somehow all my fault. Could be cuz I told her to make Hannah pay if she wanted them... Then, at 5:30, I went in for FCCLA. We were selling bars at the wrestling match and still needed to make them. Kristin and I did that, then I had to go to pep band. Played, went back to see if Kristin needed any help and if Savannah had ever gotten done watching guys (she hadn't). Kristin wanted to go watch the match, so we shut the door to the home ec room and left, we'd clean up later. Well, we watched (and made fun of) wrestling with (little) Garrett. Then the three of us went back to the home ec room to "clean up." Actually, Kristin drank coffee out of a goblet, and then we started to fold the aprons we were supposed to, and Garrett spent over 1/2 an hour trying to pick the huge knot they were in. We got a couple funny pictures of that. The best was when Garrett threw it over his shoulder and announced "Look! I'm shipwrecked!" So, I washed up the dishes, while Garrett and Kristin talked about the children's theater play they were in together a few years ago. The we all talked and laughed and tried to get some work done for awhile. We also talked about a few teachers, such as Ms. Geise, Mr. Zenz, and Schwartzcoff. It was great. And finally Garrett got the knot picked (well, actually, I did) and we realized it was almost 10 and we went home. We were also informed that Mr. Deide had been outside listening to us, probably wondering what drugs we were on. But we didn't get in trouble, so that was good.
And finally, today. It was one of those up and down days. Up: band. Big Garrett, still home from college payed us a visit. And Ari woke up and came to school! This morning he was "Ari sick," which means he didn't feel like coming to school. So all the songs we played all you could hear was a trumpet and a trombone. Yup. Garrett's a "tromboner." Also, before Ari showed up, Alicia called his house, and was telling us about the answering machine message. "Press one if you want to leave a message for so and so..." According to Mr. Erickson, 3's for Ari's 900 number :P And, according to big Garrett, they accept credit cards. But not Mastercard. "Yes they do!" said Travis. Apparently I'm the only one that calls their house to talk to Martine, not to talk to Ari or have phone sex with him :P Ick. But band's always like that. It's my favorite class when we're playing pep band, despite the fact that Mr. Erickson's a dick.
Downs of my day: Algebra test, Britney Spears on the radio this morning (I almost puked, although a little bulimia'd probably be good for me), essay to write in english class (I can never think of topics), and then there's Hannah. She gets on my nerves really easily. Like if she talks to me, I'm pissed off, anymore. Plus she finds the most inconvenient times. Usually when I'm really really really pissed so she can make it worse.
01/09/00:
Hmm... Presently I seem incapable of anything terribly profound, but I guess I'll write something anyway... Kristin spent Friday night at my house. We watched Space Ghost, talked about FCCLA and did other good, wholesome stuff that I ordinarily don't indulge in too often. She's too good of an influence on me, I think. I feel like I can't talk about anything dark, disturbing, or depressing. She's naturally perky almost all the time, at least around other people. I'm, well, it varies depending on who I'm with... Sometimes I'm really perky and funny and fun to be around. Sometimes I'm really dark, disturbing, and just generally depressed, or evil or something. For example: I went to church this morning and all through Pastor Tom's sermon, all I could think about is how last night I was told I'd make a good satanist. I think satanism's a bunch of crap, though. I mean, if it's just a philosophy, like the guy said it was, then why the heck do they call it a religion? If it's supposed to be the opposite of Christianity, then they really shouldn't worship anyone. It should be atheism, no religion at all. Just a philosophy.
I seem to have such a variety of friends, even though I have few. In a philosophy spectrum, they range from seeing everything as black and white, to just a grey blur. I don't know what I see. If I just glance everything's black and white, but if I look more closely, I realize that it's dark and light grey. Life's confusing when you don't believe one thing or another. But moving off of neutral grounds would upset everything. Yet I don't think that I can keep it up too much longer. I always feel so bad about myself when I realize I've had a major philosophy change over the course of five minutes. I feel like such a fraud sometimes...
01/13/00:
Sorry it's been a few days, but the last two days I've been extraordinarily busy, meaning I actually left the house other than to go to school. Wednesday we had a Mary Kay party for confirmation. I discovered that everyone but I thinks that I look better with so much makeup on I feel like a French whore. And plus I stabbed myself in the eye three times with that damned eyeliner pencil. But, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I just got a list of stuff that would make me "look pretty." All I have to do is: cut my hair, layer it, highlight it, wear makeup... At about that point I said "screw it" and decided not to change anything, partially just to spite them.
Thankfully, though, tonight was more fun. Wrestling matches always are. Especially when Kristin, Garrett, and maybe Matt are there. We played pep band tonight, so that's why Garrett and I were there. Matt wrestles, and Kristin actually likes wrestling. Anyway, Kristin, Garrett, and I were sitting together, talking about how gay they looked out there, and also about one of the coaches, I bet you can guess which one. Then we started making fun of Matt, Travis, and Lamont, who were all cheering like mad for the wrestlers. Later, Matt started talking to us. Mainly cuz Kristin and Garrett were laughing so loudly, he was wondering what they were on (just a little caffeine and being around eachother). He tried to talk to them, but they just laughed and went on talking about how Garrett was satan and Kristin was his sidekick. Matt claimed to be the real satan and then proceeded to try to win me over to his side. It was funny. And then Matt and Garrett started to argue, and as the match ended, Matt whacked Garrett on the head then ran off. I thought the satan thing was pretty funny. Hmm... if Martine ever decideds to resurrect WCHS deathmatch, it would make a good episode...
01/15/00/12:05 am:
bad day. bad week. and my brain seems to have been reduced to little more than mush. all i seem capable of is bluntly expressing simple ideas or random, incoherant babbling. ick. maybe i should get some sleep. but i'm too tired... that never really made sense until now... jeez. stupid little things seem like deep thought right now. next thing you know, i'll actually be considering cutting and highlighting my hair. and getting contacts. and wearing so much makeup i look like a whore, but everyone thinks i'm cute... screw it. self improvement's too much effort. plus, it would end in martine chewing me out for surrenduring my individuality or something like that. i'm sick of ideals. i'm sick of trying to please people. right now, my feelings would best be described as total apathy. there was a little bit of depression mixed in there as well, but now apathy's won. i feel like i could say anything at all and not really give a damn. had come on here planning to write up the great big conspiracy theory my friends and i have created. instead i ended up saying pretty much "go ahead and brainwash me, free thought's not worth the effort." but neither is conforming. aw, screw it, i'm going to bed.
1/23/00:
well, let's see...
today in biology lindsey told rj stories. rj was this really weird kid in our grade that occasionally went to her school in elementary school, but most of the time he was home schooled. he'd take off his pants and fly them out the bus window. and he'd tell their teacher "rj's not here today. rj's in space! this is maximus!" and once, lindsey saw him after he moved, and he went up to someone she knew and asked if they had any "household chemicals" for him to build a bomb with. that's the funniest kid i've never met. we plan on writing rj stories and sending them to him...
1/27/00:
really depressed. really really depressed. i think everyone hates me. i guess i should just "be an individual" and say i don't care about what everyone thinks. but i do care. especially since i know i deserve it. i just can't keep my big mouth shut. i'm a dispicable person. i should learn to keep secrets and not insult hannah every chance i get, and not spread rumors about her, even though they're what she herself has been saying. i shouldn't tease lindsey about being in applied math. being in an applied math class doesn't mean you're stupid. and lots of people aren't math geniuses. most people aren't. i'm not either. i guess ari's probably the closest thing i've seen. oh, and jesse tranna. i shouldn't talk behind people's backs. i should keep secrets better. i should just shut up. and i won't be surprised if jose or the lemming line return. guys, i'm sorry. really sorry. i guess i can't take it back, though. i'll just have to try to fix myself or learn to live as a loner.
2/8/00:
My life's caught in one of those downward spirals, all of a sudden. I'm getting a low b in math, my parents are mad at me, my confirmation guide's mad at me, and Kristin betrayed me, and the cause she had not long ago been fanatical about. I don't feel like detailing that four times, though, so it's in the gripes section. This is the worst I've been hurt in awhile.
2/9/00:
Today at lunch Hannah sat with us. Last week she wouldn't have, as Hannah and Kristin hated eachother. Apparently now they're friends. Kristin's barely talking to me anymore, I'm just kind of there. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but today at noon it seemed like Kristin was making fun of me, instead of just laughing at all my stupid little jokes as usual. And nobody was laughing at my stupid jokes. I could hardly stand sitting there with Kristin the hypocrite and everybody else that didn't like me. I even made fun of myself and they still wouldn't laugh. They said stuff like "you probably would" and "well, why don't you try at volleyball?" I couldn't stand it. I got out of there as quickly as I could and went to Martine's office. She's about the only person that is still friends with me, lately. Amber and Julia have always had eachother and Becky, we've never been that close. Usually conversation with Amber is limited to talking in homeroom and her calling me misguided in World History and every other class we get into theological debates in. And Kristin's beliefs have suddenly done a 180. And I don't tolerate hypocrisy well. And Lindsey's been too busy being Kristin's friend to be mine. I admit that some of this I have brought upon myself, though. Why does it all seem to be coming down on me now? Or has everyone really hated me all along and I'm just now realizing it? Or am I just imagining it?
2/13/00:
Tomorrow's Valentine's day. Another day to spend alone. Well, not entirely alone, I'll get to listen to everyone's stories of loves lost. Like "Matt's gone. Matt's gone." and "LISSA!!!" And then when I'm thinking to myself "I should be glad I don't have any sob stories to think of" someone will say I'm wrong and "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Probably Kristin. Sounds like one of her sayings. We may have made up, but I don't think I've really forgiven her yet. I think I've shifted friendships again. Right now I'm getting along with Martine a lot better than Kristin. And Kristin has all her other friends, anyway, she's probably getting sick of Emily, the social anchor. I mean, who'd prefer me over Megan and Sarah and all them? They're pretty and popular and nice to everyone, and I'm this nerdy, idealistic pariah, that's actually proud of her social standing and would hate for it to be anything else. That goes against pretty much every principle you've heard of now, doesn't it? Someone actually not wanting to be accepted. Sure goes against what I've been taught. In history class Mr. Jokela keeps encouraging us to befriend the outcasts. Well, I'm against pity friendships. I'm not going to befriend someone I don't like, especially if they pity me or I'm supposed to pity them.
2/21/00:
Thank God for those dead presidents that were honored today. No school's always good. Although I am kinda glad the weekend's over. It's been boring. Friday: went to Dickinson, went shopping. Got back in time to watch the Digimon marathon on Fox. Lisa loves that show. I don't like it. It's a pathetic Pokemon ripoff. It's even lamer than Sailor Moon, which is only good muted. Funfunfunfunfun. Then I called Kristin and she came over to watch Space Ghost, and I gave her her birthday present, a Space Ghost cd :) The clerk at Sam Goody was smirking, almost laughing at me when I bought it. But the other Space Ghost cd, Surf 'n' Turf was sold out (all 3 copies), so some people must like it... Saturday I did more or less nothing, just went bowling w/ Dad, Jamie, Lisa, and her friend Raeni. I got a 95 and a 40 or something. That was pretty fun. 'Specially when I fell on my ass and slid halfway down the lane. Yeah, that was a blast. I always fall on my ass when I bowl. It sucks. At Kristin's birthday party Thursday, we went bowling and I fell over almost every time. I need to get a sense of balance! Sunday: did nothing. Monday: made bars for FCCLA, watched part of the DBZ movie marathon on Cartoon Network. Then I headed in to work at the basketball game for FCCLA. We now have enough money for Kristin to go to state. Kristin goes automatically. Lindsey and I are depending on our STAR project, which isn't moving along too well right now. We just don't have enough times that we can get together and work on it. And Kristin's doing most of it, again. I offer to help but she says that she'll do it all. I still feel guilty, though. Well, anyway, after serving pie, brownies, and scotcharoos to a bunch of people from Mandaree and New Town, I came home, called Martine, decided to actually update this, and now I'm going to go try to get the last 200 pages of Atlas Shrugged read.
2/24/00:
It's been 18 days since Mom deleted ICQ. It's been 26 days since Matt was sent to the juvenile detention center in Williston. It's been 17 days since Kristin and I started fighting and 14 days since we offically stopped. It's been a few days since I once again rotated to the barely tolerated position in our group. February's just been one of those months...
2/29/00:
Heh. Wonder if anyone was worried. Sound suicidal, then leave off for 3 days. Kinda funny, actually. Well, I'm better now. Don't hate myself as much, Lindsey doesn't hate me as much, and Kristin's too thrilled that Matt's back to be mad at pretty much anyone. Life's great. Yesterday after school there was a big celebration of Matt's return. Everybody but me went. Yup. Primal Rage tournament at TJ's. Oh well. Tonight Matt, Julia, Kristin, and I hung out in the home ec room. Kristin and I were supposed to be working on our STAR project, but we didn't get much done. Julia and Matt indian wrestled, Matt won. Kristin and Matt got in a fight over writing on the board. Matt kept writing FCCLA sucks FFA's ass. Kristin kept changing it to FCCLA kix FFA's commie ass. It was funny. And Julia sang. Her toast song, her snail man song... It was better than Space Ghost. Heh, that's my new phrase. Also the name of Julia's first cd :P We also sang some Space Ghost ones. Like Brak's caffeine song. It was great.
Hmm... What else is going on? Well, we got new trays today at lunch. Yup, they're not plates like normal people have, but little compartmented trays, like they use in the elementary school, only smaller. Just trying to gyp us out of more fries, I guess. Maybe by tomorrow they'll have realized the error of their ways. Cuz those itty bitty trays suck. Well, my dad wants the computer, he just discovered Yahoo! Games and is itching to play hearts. So, I'll leave you with this thought: You put it in the slot and the wires get hot and you get toast. TOAST!!!!
