COMMISSIONER CRASHER versus PYRO

WELCOME TO ICW LIVE!!!

The Charter: Ladies and gentlemen, I am The Charter and you join me here alongside Brian Wilson for another exciting edition of ICW live. We've got some great action lined up for you tonight people. We're starting off with a match between Kevin Randleman and The Prince.

Brian Wilson: The ICW NEVER lets its fans down Charter. It's great action all night every night.

"Psychopath" by Sultans Of Ping plays throughout the arena.

The Charter: Hang on a minute. That's Commissioner Crasher's music. I didn't even realise he was here tonight.

Brian Wilson: Maybe he's got an important announcement to make or something.

Commissioner Crasher appears from underneath the Spikertron.

The Commissioner walks down to the ring with his suit and tie on. There is no fancy posing at the top of the ramp tonight. He simply marches down to the ring and round to the timekeepers table. He grabs Howard Stinkle by the scruff of the neck and throws him towards the steel ring steps. Stinkle stumbles into the steps and looks at the Commissioner in shock.

Brian Wilson: What did Howard Stinkle do?

Commissioner Crasher hears Brian Wilson's comment and slowly makes his way over to him. The Commissioner holds his fist up in Brian Wilson's face. You can just hear the Commissioner shout "Do you want one of these?" at Brian Wilson. Brian Wilson puts his hands up.

Brian Wilson: No sir, I don't.

Commissioner Crasher simply punches Brian Wilson in the head. The impact of the blow sends Wilson off of his chair. His headset flies off his head and Wilson falls to the floor, very much dazed from the strike. The Commissioner then kicks Wilson hard in the stomach. The Charter looks at the Crasher in disbelief. Crasher warns Charter by saying, "You had better keep your mouth shut also!". The Charter wisely stays quiet and holds his hands up The Commissioner goes back over to the timekeepers table and picks up the ring bell. He takes the ringbell and strikes the ICW timekeeper over the head with the bell. The blow sends the timekeeper to the floor and renders him unconscious. Charter cannot hold his silence any longer.

The Charter: Oh my goodness!!! What is wrong with Commissioner Crasher?

The Commissioner looks at The Charter and smiles. His smile very quickly disappears and the Commissioner grabs a microphone from the vacated timekeeper's table. He then quickly makes his way into the ring where the crowd let their feelings be known.

ASSHOLE!!! ASSHOLE!!! ASSHOLE!!!

Commissioner Crasher: I haven't come out here to listen to this shit!!!

The crowd's chant turns into a wave of boos engulfing the arena.

Commissioner Crasher: Like I ever gave a flying fuck what the fans of ICW ever thought of me.

The crowd's boos continue.

The Charter: Commissioner Crasher is in the foulest of mood tonight!!!

Commissioner Crasher: I'm out here to talk about the United States title. That will be the title named after the USA!!!

The crowd cheer for their country.

Commissioner Crasher: The USA. A country that only this week is celebrating the fact that they drove the English out of this land. A land under English rule.

The crowd cheer even harder about this fact.

Commissioner Crasher: This country is full of arseholes!!! And that fact is proven by the fact that ICW is full of arseholes. So, I'm getting a shot at Pyro's United States title on Friday. Why, you may ask, would Commissioner Crasher, a respectable Englishman, be interested in wearing a gold belt that states the disgusting name of "USA" on it?

The crowd return to their booing once again.

Commissioner Crasher: I'll tell you why. It's because having the United States title being won by an Englishman will prove that your Independence Day bullshit will be meaningless. If I can spoil your pathetic celebrations, then I damn well will. You can bank on that!!!

Pyro, you are a man that stands for everything I hate about ICW. You kiss the arses of the staff and you have been rewarded with countless title reigns. It's funny how that is the case. It's funny how the ICW's Global Award Viewer's Choice for 2001, that man being me has been constantly held back from winning titles. Now if that doesn't show biassed bullshit in the ICW, then I don't know what the hell does.

So what the hell is going on around here? Is it that no-one takes Commissioner Crasher seriously anymore? Is it that no-one takes Royal Kliq seriously? I'm afraid that is a BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!!! Does everybody around here forget that I am the Commissioner of Internet Championship Wrestling? Do all the champions here in ICW forget that I can book you ALL in matches where losing your title would be GUARANTEED? I think you all do. And it is for that reason that I, Commissioner Crasher, will be unleashing a wave of misery across this entire federation, completely unlike any disturbances I may have cause in the past here in ICW!!! If the staff bastards here in ICW thought I was a handful before, well you have not seen a frigging thing yet, let me tell you.

Pyro, you will become the first victim of this wave...you and that shitty little United States Championship of yours. Do you understand what position you are in boyo? Do ya? You are gonna be the example to each and every other bastard in this federation. What will happen to you, is just a small taster of what will inevitably happen to everyone here in ICW. Pyro, you are the ultimate when it comes to lack of respect for me and my stable. Do you honestly believe that you can get away with talking and acting like that? Are you some sort of Superhero? Are you unaware of the pain and misery I have inflicted on other ICW members during my time here in this fed? You need to shut the fuck up, and do it fast.

Myself and Pyro have met in the ring one-on-one ONCE in the past. And do you remember the outcome Pyro? Yes, that's right, you lost!!! You got your arse handed to you. What makes you think that a prick like you can make me feel in any way threatened. Hold on, you are the kiss-arse six time World Champion. All of those reigns were at a time when the federation was full of shit superstars. Superstars that couldn't live with the pace set by myself when I first joined ICW. I revolutionised this fed...a federation that was initially paralysed by people like you who were the best it could offer at a time when it was helpless. When I joined ICW, I turned an "all right" fed into a "great" fed, and sadly for you Pyro, if you look deep down in the bottom of your heart, you'll know that what I am saying is exactly right!!!

Pyro, everybody thought you were the best thing since sliced bread when you held the World Title for a record of god knows how many days. Everyone thought you were invincible. Then suddenly my good friend, Big Daddy Jason Berodt proved to the world just how vulnerable you are. He took you out of wrestling for four months. And during that time I made this fed great. So great in fact, that you can no longer keep up with the pace. Your previous success was shown up to be totally farcical. And now, there is absolutely no way back for you.

Then when you made your BIIIIIIIG comeback, everybody in the dressing room got all excited, and what happened? What the fuck have you achieved since you came back Pyro? Are you anything like the dominant force you were before? I seriously DO NOT think so!!!

So what now Pyro, eh? Well, you'll just very simply have to come to terms with the fact that your United States title reign is over. There is NO WAY I'm gonna let you walk out of the Fleet Center with that gold belt around your waist Pyro. NO WAY!!!

And if any of your friends think about coming and interfering in the match on Friday then I should just like to warn them that they could easily propel themselves to the top of the Royal Kliq hit list. That goes for EVERYONE!!!

Commissioner Crasher throws his microphone out of the ring, and then heads towards the ropes.

The Charter: Well, ladies and gentlemen, our federation Commissioner has certainly had his cage rattled in recent weeks, and that doesn't bode to well for anyone in close proximity to this ruthless man.

Commissioner Crasher leaves the ring, but instead of heading up the ramp towards the dressing rooms, he turns and heads back round to the announcers table where Brian Wilson is recovering from his earlier shots. The ICW timekeeper is being attended to by two paramedics after The Crasher struck him with the ring bell. Howard Stinkle has resumed his position at the timekeeper's table. Commissioner Crasher bypasses all of this and picks up the microphone that he threw out of the ring before he climbed out of the ring. He turns and faces The Charter.

Commissioner Crasher: Oi Charter!!!

The Charter looks up at Commissioner Crasher.

Commissioner Crasher: We've known each other for a long time haven't we?

The Charter: Well...yes we have.

Commissioner Crasher: Get your arse up out of that seat.

The Charter looks around in confusion.

Commissioner Crasher: Did you hear what I just said? I said GET YOUR ARSE UP OUT OF THAT SEAT!!!

The Charter stands up looking slightly bemused.

Commissioner Crasher: Grab a microphone and get in the ring.

The Charter: What for?

Commissioner Crasher: Never mind what for, just do it or I'll sign you into a fight on your own against the entire Royal Kliq stable next Tuesday.

The Charter asks Howard Stinkle for a microphone and Stinkle is quick to give him one. The Charter makes his way over to the ring and climbs in. Commissioner Crasher follows him.

Commissioner Crasher: Now listen here Charter. I was gonna leave the arena, but I've changed my mind. I saw you sitting at ringside and I thought to myself, "Hang on a minute. The Charter is at ringside.". And you know what? That made me think. And do you know what I thought?

The Charter: I have no idea Chris.

Commissioner Crasher: Well I'm gonna tell ya. I thought, now there is a man that both the fans and wrestlers of the ICW respect.

The Charter keeps a stern expression on his face, as he does not and never has trusted The Crasher.

Commissioner Crasher: You are also a man that is well known for be truthful and honest. You tell it like it is. You don't exaggerate things and you try you hardest to remain impartial, and also if someone pisses you off, you say so, without fear of the consequences.

The Charter looks at Commissioner Crasher in a very unsure manner.

The Charter: Well...Thank you very much.

Commissioner Crasher: Don't thank me Charter. Coz I still think you are a fucking idiot.

The crowd boo as The Charter's expression turn to one of distaste.

Commissioner Crasher: But listen to me Charter. The reason why I called your honest and truthful arse into the ring, is because I don't honestly think the people here in the arena and out in the back necessarily believe I'm sincere in what I say, so I'm setting up a little interview here between me and you, where you are gonna give your opinions on the match for the United States between the current champion Pyro, and myself, the Commissioner of ICW. Do you have any objections?

The Charter: Well, I daresay it doesn't matter if I do.

Commissioner Crasher: Well, you may be an idiot, but you got that last comment exactly right.

The Charter remains calm under the circumstances and faces this situation bravely. It almost seems like he relishes the challenge of this unscheduled segment of ICW Live.

Commissioner Crasher: Now listen, I want you to tell everyone in this arena, the answer to the following questions. Question No.1. Is Commissioner Crasher the best wrestler in ICW?

The Charter ponders this question and also carefully mulls over his answer.

Commissioner Crasher: Answer the question shithead.

The Charter puts his microphone up to his mouth.

The Charter: Well, there are a lot of good wrestlers in this federation. I wouldn't like to say...

Commissioner Crasher: Cut you bullshit. Yes or no.

The Charter: But, I can't say yes.

Commissioner Crasher: So are you saying no?

The Charter: Well...I can't say no either.

Commissioner Crasher: Did you hear that everyone. It appears that even The Charter cannot say no to the question of whether I am the best wrestler in ICW at the moment. So what you are saying is, that I may well be the best wrestler here.

The Charter: Well, you could be.

Commissioner Crasher: Thank you. Next question. Was Pyro the best wrestler in the ICW this time last year?

The Charter: Oh undoubtedly. There's no question of that.

Commissioner Crasher: And has the ICW improved over the last twelve months?

The Charter: Oh definitely. The standards in ICW have accelerated like in no other fed I have EVER known or been a part of. The standards here are out of this world.

Commissioner Crasher: Is Pyro the best wrestler in the federation today?

The Charter: Well, I'm not sure that he is...

Commissioner Crasher: So did you hear that ladies and gentlemen. The Charter has admitted that Pyro's dominance in this fed is no more.

The Charter looks slightly annoyed at the fact that Commissioner Crasher is blatantly putting words into his mouth. The crowd recognised this, and become unsettled.

Commissioner Crasher: Tell me Charter, I have won three championships during my nine months of activity here in ICW. Compared to the success of other individuals, is that a fair reflection of my abilities?

The Charter: Three titles in nine months is not a true reflection of your abilities Chris. You should have won more.

Commissioner Crasher: So are you saying that the staff have not presented me with as many opportunities to win titles in this fed as others.

The Charter: I'm not sure I wish to answer that question.

Commissioner Crasher: Well, you are going to answer it Charter.

The Charter rubs his chin and looks uncomfortable as he assesses the wisest course of action in this situation.

Commissioner Crasher: Answer now.

The Charter: Well, I think that if you have been treated unfairly in that department, then you have brought it on yourself and you only have yourself to blame.

The crowd cheer for The Charter as he tells it like it is.

Commissioner Crasher: That isn't what I bloody well asked you is it?

The Charter looks down.

Commissioner Crasher: Have the staff stopped me from receiving as many title shots as I deserve on my wrestling ability alone?

The Charter is hesitant.

Commissioner Crasher: ANSWER ME NOW FUCKFACE, BEFORE I BEAT SEVEN SHADES OF SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!

The Charter replies sternly.

The Charter: Yes, Commissioner Crasher, the staff have not given you title shots in the same regularity as other wrestlers with a similar standard of ability. Are you happy now?

Commissioner Crasher looks around with a very smug expression on his face. The Charter look totally cheesed off.

The Charter: Can I please go?

Commissioner Crasher: Yes, yes, yes. Off you go.

The Charter walks over to the ring ropes and prepares to climb out of the ring. He is quickly interrupted though.

Commissioner Crasher: Hold on a second. I have one more question for you.

The Charter looks round at Crasher. Charter is not to thrilled at the prospect of having to face another question.

Commissioner Crasher: Come on. Come back. I've got one more question.

The Charter turns back to face Commissioner Crasher. The Charter looks seriously into the face of the Commissioner.

Commissioner Crasher: Now then Charter, will I become the United States champion when I face Pyro at Friday Night Riot?

Without holding the microphone to his mouth, The Charter apparently tries to reason with The Crasher.

Commissioner Crasher: Shut up you prick. Just answer me. Will I become the US Champion on Friday?

The Charter: How can I answer that?

Commissioner Crasher: Listen, I'm the one asking the questions today, not you. Now answer me.

The Charter: I cannot answer that question.

Commissioner Crasher: I'm getting very tired of your shit Charter. I'm not asking you if you can or cannot answer the question. I'm TELLING you to answer the question.

The Charter: Well, you may well become the next US champion.

Commissioner Crasher: A "YES" OR "NO" CHARTER!!!

The Charter: I cannot say "yes" or "no".

Commissioner Crasher: That was the wrong answer.

Commissioner Crasher smashes the microphone into Charter forehead sending him reeling. After another shot with the mic Charter falls into the turnbuckle. Crasher continuously stomps on The Charter's head and body. A small amount of blood can be seen coming from Charter's forehead as his black baseball cap has been knocked off of his head. Commissioner Crasher turns around and raises his hands high above his head. The crowd respond by booing louder than ever. Commissioner Crasher's music by The Sultans Of Ping plays once again and Commissioner Crasher leaves the ring. He makes his way back up the ramp this time while adjusting his tie in an attempt to smarten himself and look respectable after his incredible physical outburst. ICW Live takes a commercial break.