Please let page load (new sounds will be added regularly)
......In a galaxy far, far away...
This is a graffiti page that was started sometime in 1998 as a "get acquainted with HTML" situation. This hasn't been updated for a while but I have seen a lot of BS since my last entry so there should be some new stuff coming soon. I thank you.
Please send email to: ferrisbeuler@hotmail.com
Thought#2: When the Speed Stick Challenge guarantees that their deodorant will work or else "we will buy you a stick of 'yours'", why would I want another one of "mine" if it didn't work in the first place, OR if I knew which one I would have them buy me....why am I taking this stupid challenge?(I got a free one in the mail the other day, that's why I brought it up)-(at and rb)
Thought#3: Why are all the black girls so big on Denzel Washington? He is an average looking black guy yet he is like the #1 brother right now. He looks like Dwight Gooden but someone hyped him up so now he is suddenly good looking (like Leo DiCaprio hype). People, I want answers.
Thought#4: Is "The NASCAR Channel" only available to mobile home owners? Could I subscribe at an Arctic Cat dealer?
Thought#5: When the time comes for me to go to heaven or hell.....I figure I will get to meet some pretty cool people either way.
Thought#6:(for all guys out there) The classic--->What do fat girls and mopeds have in common? They are both fun to ride but you don't want your friends to know about it.
Thought#7: It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.-deep thoughts (jack handey)
Thought#8: I betcha the kids on Full House turn into the next "Differn't Strokes" kids (e.g. larcenists, looters, crack/base/meth-heads, slut/bingo alcoholics.-just an opinion
Thought#9: Where would we be without drugs and alcohol?
Thought#10: What ever happened to the headbangers? I mean the really cool ones that used to have torn pants and jean jackets
with Metallica patches on them, the guys that used to go bowling and nod their heads to the sounds of GN'R on the jukebox, the dudes who always carried "Dio" in their tape decks; the guys who hated "Stryper". They are a dying breed I guess.
Thought#11: In Kellogs Raisin Bran, that annoying, talking sun tells us that there are "two scoops of raisins in their cereal". So are there two scoops in all sizes of boxes? And what constitutes a scoop? (I am a big cereal fan)
Thought#12: Never, never, never screw with people working at the drive-thru in a fast food restaurant. Not that
I have had problems but imagine what they could do to your food if you are a prick on the intercom. They could possibly shit in your food (on those long waits). That's the price you pay for going in the drive-thru, you can't see your food being made.
So a word to the wise, be courteous and polite even if they are screaming jibberish at you on the intercom because you never know how they may sabotage you!
Thought#13: Don't you hate kids who need to buy new cars to feel cool? And don't you hate the kids
who start following these new-car losers? example: the kid from your hometown that is a big shit-ass, fudge teeth kid
who works all the time on his new Camaro in shop class so he can cruise the streets at night as his primary hobby....his car is the one with the new sound system and florescent lights on the bottom of the car.
Thought#14: Will someone please shoot the Taco Bell dog; he has gone too far.
Thought#15: I like 'deep' songs as much as the next guy but what in the hell is "Hotel California" all about?
Thought#16: Ever realize that the tv show "Home Improvement" is the same show over and over again? Don't get me wrong...Tim Allen provides us with side spliting
laughter but can the show really go anywhere? It is always: Tim get's hurt by funny tool or Tim is hilarious because he beats his wife and kids and yucks it up over a few Pabst's with Wilson (the guy next door). We are suckers though.....he say's ugghhhh (caveman voice) and we fall to pieces! Note to self: Joey Lawrence used to do the same bit with (whoa) and where is he now (on a crackpipe in some alley)?
Thought#17: Have you heard the new ads for spray vitamins? You get your daily supplements through a spray now as if taking them in pill form was always a hassle.
They claim that the vitamins work within a half an hour as opposed to up 4 FOUR hours with conventional methods.....(like you really need fast, immediate supplementation). Listen for the ad, it is pretty cheesy.
Thought #18: Preface: I am a big "oldies" music fan. I hate it when people say that they would have rather grown up in the 50's-60's because
the music on our oldies stations is so good. Well I can bet you that music back then sucked....I mean there were some hits but not continuous hits like we think were played back then......we hear a station and don't realize that we are hearing a "greatest hits" type of radio show. Oldies are great but remember that we are hearing the best of those songs and that music probably wasn't all that mint back then after all.
Thought#19: I don't understand the logic with the movie ratings systems. So "R" movies need to be viewed by kids under 17 or whatever with their parents.....does this make the movies teeming with sex and violence not that bad after all because mom/dad are with you?
Also, I assume that there used to be a rule where no kids could see "R" movies period. I always wonder if some parents(cool ones I suppose) got together and decided to fight the rule claiming that their children were ok if parents were with. I don't know.....if a kid wants to see a movie, he'll use the backdoor I guess.
Thought#20: I am a big late 60's cartoon freak. I love the characters like Bird Man, Speed Racer, Space Ghost....and in general fake guys like Bionic Man and the glowing scary guy in Scooby Doo that just chases mettling kids for a living. I always wonder what these superheroes do in their spare time.
Do they shit and read sports pages? Do they booze at night (off duty) and make silly observations about life? Do they beat off when they have a minute? Do they laugh about their particular powers? Do they have pin-ups of superhero chicks? We only see them in action but I would like to know if these dudes go through a normal day like the rest of us? Or are they just on 24 hour call to defend the universe?
Thought#21: Does Tori Spelling think that she is cool? She is on the show clearly because of papa Spelling. She is not witty or funny and she is no girl to write home about. She always changes her look but she will never find the right one BECUASE THERE IS NO RIGHT ONE! She is what I hate about 90210. She is the classic ugly girl that hangs with cute girls so she gets cute boys. Here's the deal...she probably went to grade school with the hot girls and was cool back then but now she keeps clinging to them (even in the college years) and it would be hard for the hotties to leave her. I am all for interesting/not hot girls that have hot friends but in this scenario....we are short one interesting girl. David Silver eat your heart out.
Thought#22: Why do people say they are going to desanitize something? Doesn't sanitizing something mean making it clean? Hence, desanitizing something would be making it dirty. People always get away with saying it though.
Thought#23: I always think about the people that can't masturbate on a regular basis. Like Bill Clinton or astronauts in space.
Thought#24: Have you seen the Jack Van Impe Ministries (JVIM.com) show on tv? It is hilarious! His crew has made the cheesiest movie of all time! It is for sale for 29.99 (a donation by-the-way) and it is really a commercial to see. Jackie, with his fake hair weave and 70's lounge suit (pimp), is all smiles about how the lord is going to come down in a reign of terror and destruction and show us what is up. One may ask: "Why is Jack so happy?" My guess is that Jack plans to make some serios coin before the shithouse goes up in flames. Jack and his chick sidekick (paid spokesmodel) are clearly in a dreamland of false prophesy, hot-tubs, and cheesy interpretation of the Bible. He is funny as hell to watch though....the movie looks like a B-side to a really bad porno flick. Check it out->late nite.
Thought#25: I was thinking about the play "The Greatest Little Whorehouse in Texas". To my understanding it is a fun musical that even old ladies like to go to. Do they realize that the setting is a god-damn whorehouse? These are the same ladies that frown on sex but love this little ditty like there's no tomorrow. I guess if you can make anything into a musical it can be cool with people that hate it on a regular basis.
Thought#26: What's the deal with the Harlem Globetrotters? They make ridiculous shots all of the time from full court while they are upside down....and they never miss......so why aren't these guys playing pro ball? They are funny guys and what not but they aren't good enough for the NBA? People brag them up that they are so good but I guess they are like clowns in a circus or something. They don't make any money but I suppose they get laid all the time because they are the "trotters".
Thought#27: Why is there men's and women's pool tournaments? Why don't they play togther that is. Do men have some sort of advantage over women in hitting a cue ball? Same thing with darts.....pool and darts and countless other "non-power/contact" sports should not have different tournaments. Football, boxing, and sumo wrestling-->YES Pool, darts, shuffleboard, and bowling-->NO.
Thought#28: Why is Rhode Island called "Rhode Island"? It isn't even an island for Christ sakes.
Thought#29: The Goodyear Blimp doesn't make me want to buy tires.
Thought#30: The creators of Gumby must have been on crack or something when thy made that show....I dig it but it is truely a fucked up show.
Thought#31: I think woodpeckers peck to be pricks.....cuz they don't eat wood.
Thought#32: Why do auction guys talk in that annoying, fast voice? Why can't they talk calmly.....it seems like they are trying to razz a baseball hitter or something. Chill out, tell us the prices, and stop trying to be the cool guy.
Thought#33: I think the Guiness World Record Book has gone too far. People on escalators for months, smoking cigarettes through your ass for weeks on end, or tap-dancing in a pile of shit for a certain amount of time while singing "The Sound of Music". I mean, you can get in for ANYTHING and then you have people that try and beat your silly record. I like real records like richest people or deadliest snake but the bullshit must stop. I hate it when schools will make like the "World's Largest" pancake and shit like that.....that sucks.
Thought#34: "Cross-country skiing is great.....if you live in a small country."-Steven Wright
Thought#35: "I have this switch in my house that never works. I flip it every now and then to see if still doesn't work. One day I got a call from a woman in Madagascar....she said cut it out."-Steven Wright
Thought#36: "My aunt Nadie was really gruff on the outside. But if you needed a spanking or a scolding.......she would give it to you."-Jack Handey
Thought#37: "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"-steven wright
Thought#38: "If you met two men named Flippy and Hambone and had to decide who liked dolphins more you would probably guess Flippy. Wrong, it's Hambone.-Jack Handey
Thought#39: "When we were kids, sometimes we had to do things to entertain ourselves. At that time, we usually turned on the tv."-Jack Handey
Thought#40: I think that(some) lawyers, ministers, and Cub Scout leaders have things in common. They are all interpreters of really confusing things and they can be scuzballs.
The Grateful Dead and Jerry Garcia. Check em out.
Thought#41: Are there people addicted to nicarette gum?
Thought#42: Is O'douls (non alcoholic beer) supposed to curb alcoholism? No Way!
Thought#44: A man is only as old as the woman he feels.-groucho marx
Thought#45: If pro is the opposite of con, is the opposite of progress Congress?-other web page
Thought#46: Why do showering towels end up stinking? Shouldn't they be the cleanest things in the bathroom?
Thought#47:Two shows come to mind where people just watch it to hear words we normally don't hear on tv. South Park and Loveline. I hate them both. On South Park it is just a bunch of kids that say "fat ass" periodically. I firmly believe that people nowadays just watch the show to see how Kenny dies. They have America brainwashed. It is such a poorly written show....no substance at all. Loveline thrives on bringing honesty of sexuality to the airwaves but the show is the same show over and over again! People call in and say their dick doesn't work or green shit comes out of it......and then Dr. Drew says it is not normal (no shit) and Adam Corolla tells the audience how bad it would suck to be that person and people laugh so hard. The show can go nowhere......it should vanish like "Singled Out". People keep watching it though like they need all of this sex advice and that they are open to learn things....get real....there are so many better shows out there that change from week to week.
Thought# 49: Is a "dead end road", in a town, just a circle that never happened?
Thought# 50: I really hate those Internet ads where they show people in Africa
or Tibet using the web or else American Express. You can't make people believe that they have computers when these people don't have phone lines or even proper underwear. These people are more concerned about surviving through the night than their American Express priviliges. Give it up commercial people!
Thought# 52: I still hate South Park
Thought# 53: Why in the world would a big breasted woman get a REDUCTION! I have heard that it might hurt your back or whatever but I could name about 50 billion men that wouldn't mind the pelvic pain of having a few more ounces down there (myself excluded).
Though#55: Think of all the snow that there is in the world.....it is amazing. Whoever came up with the idea that no two snowflakes are alike is clearly a bullshitter.
A mint TV show (Mike Gross and Mike J Fox are the shit
Thought#56: You know how on the Flintstones they always have dinosaurs doing odd jobs? I wonder if Fred ever had a teradactyl wipe his ass?
Thought#57: My favorite Christmas lyric is "don we now our gay apparel" (ba ba ba ba ba ba.....ba ba ba)-from "Deck the Halls"
Thought#59: (more on Christmas) Why can't schools discuss Santa (Kris Kringle....I love that name) anymore? Santa has no religious background and yet he is kept out of school talk. I am also pissed because schools can't have Halloween partys anymore. What a joke. Halloween isn't from a religion either and yet people don't want it around our kids. Maybe we shouldn't have Easter Day or Hanakah(?) Day in class but let's let the simple stuff get by.
Thought#60: Has anyone noticed that our latest war in Iraq isn't that cool? It is such a boring news story.....people got bored with the last Gulf War. If we are going to have a war, let's make it interesting.
Thought#62: Now we have all heard of carrier pigeons right? Do people still send messages like that? How insanely impossible is teaching a bird to carry a letter from one end of town to the other? I think the dude who crafted this wasted tons of time and could have easily delivered
the letter himself way quicker to his destination....while he was teaching the damn bird how to do it. What a lazy fuck. If I was on a deserted island....then I would do it. But these guys trying to play Dick Tracy with pigeons are "for the birds".
Thought#63: I want to be Babe Winkleman, fishing extrordonaire, for one day. He catches so many fish, has no real job, eats all the trout he wants through sponsors, and gets laid
Thought#64: One of my all time "ethnicity" jokes is: What do you call an Ethiopian that takes a shit? Answer-------> a show off.
Thought#65: Here's the deal. You know all of the "Doomsday" people? The ones that predict God to come down in the year 2000. They always live their lives like the year 2k is the end. I have news to all of these people that don't live life for today and predict that the world will end soon. Ok, so if the year 2000 rolls around and, yes, God does decend from above and does set earth on fire and we are all suffering and burning and hating life, then what is your point, should we all say "wow, I guess you were right dude". Well that is no way to live.....predicting the end. I mean, if it does happen then I will be like "holy shit, we are all fucked" but I would like to think the afterlife is way cooler. (See thought# 5...it is my favorite!)
Thought#66: I hate political correctness with people. For instance, what do you call a black guy that lives in Africa......surely not an African American! But then do you call a white guy from South Africa an African American if he now lives in the USA? People are too fussy about it.
Thought#68: I hate various parts of the food chain such as: When snakes eat whole mice....yuck! This means that the snake is
eating bones and hair and stuff...(puke now). Also when fish eat each other whole....with all the scales and fish lips--->nitemare
Thought#69: What ever happened in the "Old West" when a gunfighter had a false start in the quickdraw competition.....and the other guy is dead.....you can't have a "re-do". I think they just said "Oh shit" and went on with their business.
Thought#70: I hate those pringles ad's. They are ultra annoying. There is that guy that "plays" the pringles can and makes funny faces at the kids in the ad. I want to smash his head in with a can of Pringles.
Thought#71: What in the hell is a barbershop quartet? Is it a group of guys that like to sing and hang out at barbershops.....do they get aroused by the rotating pole or something? Are they legit barber-dudes that sing when nobody is getting their hair cut?
It seems like they are a dying breed (or dead). If they were around today, kids would ride by on bikes and make fun of them.
Thought#72: Do people in other countries like our beer. Do rich English guys pay like 40 bucks for a case of Keystone and then serve it chilled to their elite guests? I wonder, because we buy their stuff at high prices and who knows.....maybe they are laughing their asses off at us.
Thought#73: Jon Stewart (of the Daily Show) is not even close to being funny. If Craig Kilborn took a look back now to see what his once cool show has become......he would never stop puking.
Good Old Booze
Thought#74: I know this thought has been beaten like a dead horse but what is with those bald dudes with the "sidewinder" haircuts.....where they grow out the sides and comb it over their domes. They need to come to grips with reality....I saw one of these guys at a hockey game and a friend and I were busted for staring at him.....we had this confrontation and the rise in his eyebrow indicated that he knew what I knew....it was funny. Bald guys should either shave their heads or buck up, like Hulk Hogan, and make being a regular bald dude kinda cool.
Joe DiMaggio#5 a favorite, class player of mine.
Thought#75: One of my major pet-peves is the word "pet-peve".
Thought#76: Shouldn't phoenetic have an "f" in it?-Steven Wright
Thought#77: I recently hooked up my accelerator to my brake lights. Now when I hit the gas the lights go on, people stop, and I'm gone.-steven wright
Thought#78: I have an answering machine in my car. It says: "I'm home now, but I'll call back when I'm gone".-steven wright
Thought#79: Why don't the Chinese just admit that spoons and forks are a far better eating utensil than chopsticks? How can they eat rice with those things? I guess they just like to play ignorant or something.
Thought#80: Second-hand smoke and farts are similar: (1) they both come from inside a person and (2) they are both gross.
Thought#81: What is the deal with "Wheaties" cereal? Who could start off a moring with such horrible taste? One must cake his/her serving with an insane amount of sugar just to get through the agony. Another thing: I doubt that Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky ever touched the shit. It is the worst cereal on the market and yet they are the most advertised. I think the people at Wheaties are loosing their asses. The stuff doesn't sell but they are so hyped up by athletic promotion that they don't want to discontinue the item.
Thought#82: Why are there "Emergency Warnings" on the radio? The DJ goes on the air and says..."this is just a test" and then they play that annoying tone that makes you turn the station. It happens on every station. Why do they have to prove to the listeners that it actually works? Can't they test it away from the microphone? Just think about why they actually do it. It is like a scary music (danger) test.....can't they just say "Hey there is a tornado". Does the buzzing music make it more believable.
Thought# 83: What is the deal with grade "A" eggs and steak? Have you ever seen grade "B" shit? Of course you haven't!! So why don't "they" they just sell regular eggs and steak???? Why grade it????
Thought#84: Everyone remembers getting "allowance" when they were young. What in the hell is "allowance"? Is it like a bonus for making your bed everyday or something.....I look back on it now and laugh....it is the silliest thing of all time.
Thought#85: For everyone that likes music.....the Beatles are the best of all time. I don't care what you think. I have my favorite bands and such.....but if you research what the Beatles have done........it is retarted. They are the coolest band.....and the world followed every move they did because they consistently came out with mint lp's. They are the shit. We all have our favorite bands but if you ever have the opportunity to ask your favorite band who the best musicians of all time are........90% will say the Beatles. Beatle haters are pure losers. People that hate the Beatles are either genuine losers or they are trying to play devil's advocate. That is all. I thank you.
Thought#86: Why are there "No Right Turn On Red" street signs at some areas? It seems like the State Street Maintenance just likes to screw with us a little bit because the signs serve no purpose. It's like the city doesn't trust me on this turn.
Thought#87: If someone you don't like passes out at a party, the worst thing you can do to them is to shave their eyebrows.......you just can't recover from that. I have heard a couple of stories where that happens to guys right before picture day at school.
Thought#88: Why are there mens and womens bathrooms? We both do the same things in them. The funny thing is that if you are a guy and you are busted coming out of the ladies room.....they look at you like you have just murdered someone.
Thought#89: I know, as Irish legend tells us, that gold can be found at the end of rainbows. That is all well and good but do naive people still go around looking? It is a great joke to play on kids to get them out of the house but the stories must stop. And why is it that Leprechauns have the natural ability to locate gold?
Thought#90: For people who watch the TBS TV show "Dinner and a Movie" and actually make the recipes along with the TV hosts are losers.
Thought#91: "Wild, Wild, West" is proof that Will Smith can do anything and make money.
Thought#92: Have you ever had the diet drink "Diet Rite"? It is Diet Wrong. Mark my words, you will never taste a shittier cola. It basically tastes like brake fluid.
Thought#93: Isn't it funny how people like the Royal Family (British)? They don't govern anything and yet people go crazy when they marry someone....like it means anything! It is retarted. I really loathe the people that are "Royal Experts". They are losers.
Thought#94: Nature Corner. Give me feedback on this. Do birds piss or do they just take runny shits? What do saltwater fish drink(saltwater??)...and when do they decide to drink because they are perpetually surrounded by water?
Thought#95: I think animals that hang out at carnivals are the smartest and laziest creatures because they have all together ruled out killing any other live animal for food, they get to eat good food, and they get to laugh at funny people that sleep in non-airconditioned Winnebagoes that work heavy machinery in the daytime.
Thought#96: I think those plastic Jesus things that people put on their car dashes are ridiculous. Is it like "I am usually a crazy driver but now that Jesus is looking at me....I won't turn right on a 'no turn on right sign'." Or is it for ghetto dudes who put them there so they will think twice about robbing the Try and Save store?
Thought#97: I think the game "Marco Polo" is a dying water/recreational game. People just don't play it anymore. I mean it is a shitty game to play (especially if you are the blind one). "Kick the Can" has also seen it's last days.
Thought#98: There is a guy outside that is 5'7 220 that has red hair and a shitty mustache, sweatpants that don't fit, a "damn seagulls" hat, Pony shoes, 80's casio watch, highway patrol sunglasses that have the word "sport" on them, a tight shirt with white center and long red sleeves featuring Boogaloo Shrimp from "Breakin", and he is eating a spearmint sno-cone. He is just looking at me funny.
Thought#99: Geographically speaking, I don't think forests should be named.
Thought#100: What is the deal with Thanksgiving? It is a fun holiday to celebrate but why do we actually have it? My theory is that the colonists were fucked for food and then the natives said something to the effect of: "hey you guys can party with us" and then the colonists were like....."you dudes saved our asses". The colonists were then overwhelmed with thanks. Hence, Thanksgiving.
Thought#101: Why is it that all girls that have shitty boyfriends (that beat them and watch NASCAR and South Park) drive mid 80's jacked up trucks and insist that the girl sit near them in the truck. I drive by these people and for one, the truck is huge...tons of space, and yet the girl is sitting next to the guy (who is driving). It looks so "Dukes of Hazard" and yet they think nothing of it. The next time you see a couple pull out of a bowling-alley or what not and the girl is sitting right next to the guy in a huge shit truck.......just give them the old "thumbs down".
Thought#102: Did you know that people get paid $15.00-17.00 an hour, in the fine state of North Dakota, for holding a "slow" sign at construction sites? Yes, I know that you all have seen these people and may God show favor on their souls for holding that sign but did you ever stop to think that maybe the state could save a lot of money by pounding that sign into the ground instead of having someone hold it. It is like if the government had people hold traffic lights and then all of a sudden we decided....hey this is retarted....we can just install computerized ones. It is not rocket science or anything.......nobody needs to supervise a sign for 10 hours a day at $15.00 an hour when we can let the ground hold it for free. The wage is ridiculous. Regular construction guys bust their balls for peanuts and then a shit-ass is allowed to hold a sign for big money? Can you imagine the "sign holding job" on a resume?
Thought#103: Can somebody tell me why "highway weigh stations" exist. They seem to serve no purpose.
Thought#104: Here is the deal on marriage (the institution of)........after a lot of thought.......marriage is just a legal way of saying that "you are the only person that I will ever sleep with again"....because married gals can still have fun and talk with other men and go off on their own vacations.......but if they sleep with another man.....then usually it is not cool. I hate to think of marriage this way but basically that is what it entails. I am sorry.
Thought#105: What is the deal with high class fashion shows....you know, the ones is Paris and such......ok, well, the girls wear absurd stuff like things that look like Saturn on their heads and see-through fish-net stuff on thier boobs...........it is all well and good.....but you know what.......you don't see people wearing that shit in public.....in other words....who would buy it? Nobody wears or buys it yet it is always on tv..........which leads me off on a tangent onto a different thought of mine........a good looking girl (and intelligent) can wear anything and get away with it. She can wear K mart Blue Light Special shit and look good........this is in fact why people wear bell bottoms and cheesy shit these days......they are good looking people who are testing fashion.
Thought#106: You can always tell a dipshit on the road because his car will be either too far from the ground or too close.....or have a confederate flag sticker.
Thought#107: I have been thinking about moving to Vietnam to intern in a sweatshop. I am still trying to find out if they offer any part-time work.
Thought#108: I am sick of vegetarians complaining about meat eating people and how gruesome we are for eating dead animals.......well I have news for those vegetarians (tree huggers)....you are eating dead plants. Also....the best thing about a tree is what you do with it when you cut it down (Rush Limbaugh).
Thought#109: Can sour cream go bad? Or is fresh cream bad?
Thought#110: I love it when pro wrestlers go for a pin and then the guy on the bottom kicks out at the last second........but then the guy on top doesn't immediately try and pin him again......he just gets up and walks around the ring devising another way to pin the guy. It is funny when you think about it.
Thought#111: It is really gross to think about this but "Mr.Wonderful" aka the late Walt W. Disney is actually being frozen, of all things, in a vault somewhere. I don't mean to dash his hopes but Walt.....quit wishing upon a star....you are not coming back to life. Why didn't you just have your boys build you a pyramid if you want to see the afterlife? The cooling bill is ridiculous!....and your movies haven't done that well lately. Another thing I want to touch on is why people go to Disneyworld (yes, I know it is probably fun)? It would be fun for kids that grew up with Mickey and Minnie but we didn't! Little kids still go and yet they have never seen a Disney cartoon in their lives. Quit faking....somebody should build a "Krustyland" like in the Simpsons....so people can get up to speed on our cartoon-playlands.
Thought#112: Hollywood Squares sucks. It is properly titled Hollywood "Squares". Whoopie Goldberg (jewish???) is the worst. She is so not funny. If you are on the show it basically means that you once had mild success with something and now you are fighting to keep your place heated. Mainstays on the show include: Gilbert Godfread, Little Richard, Joan Rivers, Vicki Lawrence, Garry Coleman, and probably Henry Winkler (God he sucks too). The show is a gay way of playing tick-tack-toe and the humor after every question will make you barf. Check it out at about 5:00am in any town. Love rob
Thought#113: What do saltwater fish drink?
Thought#114: There are a couple businesses out there with terrible names: (1) Pizza Hut. Because of their name....we are forced to eat pizza in that horrible piece of architecture. (2) Radio Shack. Nuff said. (3) Canadian Tire......funny their store is more like a Wal-Mart than a tire store.....so change the name. (4) a convenience store in Fargo named "Kum and Go"....very phallic. Great porn shop name though....not a place I would take my kid for a slurpee.
Thought#115: Somebody should execute the wise-guy who came up with the name "joystick" for a computer game controller. That is just the worst name it could possibly have. One guy came up with the idea but how did a bunch of other people let the name stick? I do enjoy calling it a joystick just for laughs though.
Thought#116: Why do beer/alcohol companies say "enjoy in moderation?" You just can't do that. The point is that you have the most fun when you get bombed. Don't they know that the more you drink...the better. Do they think that we drink alcohol because it tastes great?
Thought#117: Baywatch is clearly a show where people take a lowpaying job way too far. Baywatch Nights is taking it a step further.
Thought#118: I dislike (hate is such a strong word) people that are geographically inclined. For example people, that live in North Dakota, saying that they are going up to Mexico......even nearby cities....please know where you are! It kills me when people from here say that they are going down to Winnipeg (remember Canada is north).
Thought#119: How did Gilligan's Island last on tv so long? They were trapped on an island! How many stories can be told? "Oh shit, we are still on the island...what is Bob Denver going to do next?" The show is ridiculous but it was only remotely interesting because Gilligan was always high.
Thought#120: Why are there "cotton" ads on tv? "The touch of cotton".....with Aaron Neville singing as shitty as he can.....cotton ads don't make me want to go out and buy socks and shirts....the ads just annoy me and make me wonder where the money came from....if it is a joke or something. Is there a such thing as an organized cotton growers union....and if so....are cotton sales down so low that they need to resort to commerical marketing? Cotton is something that can't (and shouldn't) be advertized in public.
Thought#121: Have you heard of the alleged largest # in the world? It doesn't make sense. It is called a "google" and it is like 10 to the 100th power (10^100). Why is that the largest number? I am going to claim myself as the founder of the "noogle". A noogle will be 10^100 + 1. (just to show how dumb the google is).
Thought#122: As a sort-of-Christian, I am familiar with the term "Judgement Day". I think that if you die before Judgement Day then you are still judged but Judgement Day (for "survivors") is actually a way of the bible saying that if you live up until this point....you are fucked. The people that are living on this very day have pretty much lost the Judgement Day lottery. To me it is an arbitrary or random point in time when God says that he has had enough of the bullshit down here.
Thought#123: If you ever see/hear anyone that is complaining about the city streets or the lack of government (whatever) and make the claim that they are a "taxpaying member of society".....please shoot them. I hate nothing more than people at city council meetings (that I have seen on tv....you didn't think I actually go) that demand better crosswalks because they pay their taxes. Guess what....we all pay taxes....and even though it is a drag, taxes are spread out in such a way that things will be as good as the money allows. People work hard to make sure money gets spent on the right things.Losers that cause trouble at city council meetings, like my good friend Gene Schneweis, are just bitching because they think they are the only ones that pay taxes......I got sidetracked....anyway, shoot people that say they are taxpayers. I thank you.
Thought #124: I have always been a big proponent of freedom of speech but the tampon and herpes commercials have to go. I shudder each time I hear women speaking about their herpes "outbreaks". People with herpes will find medication (fingers crossed)...the herpes suppression market is one that shouldn't require advertising. We might as well advertise masturbation aids if we can advertise (in detail) tampon ads.....same ballpark. When the narrator mentions the words "with wings" while I watch the tube, I feel sick to my stomach. Hemrhoids ads should also have a "no diagram rule". ----it's funny that none of these ads mention the proverbial "cleanup kit sold separately" line.
Thought 125 (1/2/03): Talked to some Baptist kids the other day going door to door telling the greatness of The Lord. "You think this is abuse cocksucker, what about the abuse you get on a sit!"--Alec Baldwin from Glengarry Glen Ross. Nothing worse than others telling you (especially door to door) how you should be worshipping something.
Thought 126: Saw a good article in Newsweek the other day about virginity in the USA. Some common themes: very ugly guys and so-so girls (with the exception of a couple reallllly hot chicks).....but the hot chicks are just doing it for attention and the so-so's are pretty much die-hard granola fans. The guys all reminded me of the "supermarket bag boy" on The Simpson's. Get lives and get laid fellows....it's what guys do. And girls......nobody likes a tease.
Thought 127: I was (accidentally) listening to a Shania Twain song the other day in the grocery store and I thought......are all of her love songs written with "Mutt" Lange in mind? The song "From This Moment" and "Honey I'm Home" really bust me up laughing....because all the while I am thinking of her ridiculous affair/marriage to former Def Leppard producer John "Mutt" Lange. It is very funny to think about.
Thought #128: WEDDING MUSIC. Let's just make a double cd set called "Songs that are Played at Every Wedding". The set list includes Footlose, Brown Eyed Girl, The Chicken Dance + Hokey Pokey, Shook Me all Night Long, Cecilia, My Best Friends Girl, and many others that I am too pissed to mention. Each wedding I attend is like a broken record (excuse the pun). Ceremonies are the same and the music is the same. No jazz, Sinatra, or anything creative. Readers please get lives....wedding ceremonies probably won't ever change but luckily the Lord doesn't care what kind of music you listen to (except for Barry Manilow stuff). Don't be afraid to play something that people don't know every word to. Buck up and get it done because people are having miserable evenings due to laziness. Peace...I'm out.
Thought #129: I was looking at a bar of soap the other day and it read: New Antibacterial Formula. I was pretty bitter and with a tongue in cheek expression on my face, felt like I had been ripped off all of those years thinking that bar soap had been killing germs on my hands. If the old stuff wasn't killing bacteria, then what was it doing....removing dirt but leaving salmonella? Not a big issue but just one of the many stupid things that happens within the Milky Way solar system every now and then.
Thought #130: If the Lord is inside of each and every one of us, I hope he likes enchiladas....because that's what he's getting. (Jack Handey)
Thought #131: Why is mint the offical flavor of "fresh". I like grape myself.
Thought #132: Instead of targeting "Joe Camel" for causing kids to allegedly start smoking, why not target the obvious deviant......CANDY CIGARETTES.
Thought #133: Is Eddie Murphy trying to be Martin Lawrence or is ML trying to be EM...or whatever. They seem to be battling over who can make the most movies that involve transforming themselves into fat people and making kids laugh. It is unreal. I don't know if they are friends or foes but the movies must stop. I was waiting in line to see "Old School"..starring Will Ferrell, and I noticed that Ed Murphy was making another kids movie. This is the same guy that is allegedly into transvestites and fake wieners. Murphy seems to be suffering from Michael Jackson Syndrome along with a slice of poor moviemaking.
#134: We all know what a tumbleweed is....but what we don't know is what it is called when it is in the ground. I'm guessing thistle.
#135: You know those automatic hand dryers that are in bathrooms? Did somebody hire a 7 year old to go around the country to cross out the instructions and scratch "wipe on hands" etc on the machine. I have been on both coasts and everywhere in between and I have seen this activity on about 80% of machines. Not sure about a conspiracy theory but the numbers are startling.
#136: Have you seen some of the new healthy salads that are available to the public? The new ones have combinations of taco meat, beef, buffalo-chicken, cheese, guacamole, avacado, cheese, sour cream, bacon bits and croutons. So are you really eating anything different as opposed to tacos, burgers and chicken sandwiches?
#137: While we're on the topic of food, Americans are called one of the most unhealthy nations on the planet.....our kids are overweight etc. The reason is that our snack technology is at a higher level than any other country. Other countries haven't developed anything close to Easy-Cheese, Cheetos, or Ding Dongs. If they had, I assure you they too would be overweight. It's not like they have access to all of the junk food that we have and are passing on it.....they simply don't have any options....forced to be healthy in other words. So don't feel bad...eat that Cheeto because there is a teenager in Sweden that would give his left nut for it.
#138: My take on the NBA. I will never like a sport that has chosen gangsta rap as its official music. Did you know that rap is played over the PA while the game is being played? I don't mind the sound effects that make people clap their hands or say "charge"...but hearing Jay-Z over the PA while Stephon Marbury dribbles up the court with his baggy pants and gold teeth paints a picture that would make James Naismith turn in the grave at the sad state of his game. Thumbs down on the NBA. Dipshits.
Disclaimer---->(revised) Heartland Feelings (formerly: New Kids on the Pipe. Page is designed by a novice computer person. (are you ready for this...wearing comfortable clothing?) I learned how to get this free page from a friend and I am by no means a good page-geek. This is more of a blue collar/no nonsense page. I do this page to get the naked truths about life out there..and it causes some kids who read this to hyperventalate. Some just can't handle the content of this upsetting little page. To some people it makes sense and they agree with it. Some have never seen anything like it......it doesn't agree with their beliefs so they instantly deny it. I am a nerd but I know what is cool most of the time and so I did this page to do other halfway cool people a favor in educating the remainder of the world that listens to Backstreet Boys and wears the latest fashions to be accepted. I figure that 95% of people are really not fun to be with (uncool)......but this just makes being in the other 5% a special treat! Education is so important....think of it as a help page. Write me if I seem to arrogant or something but keep a sense of humor for Christ sakes. A Sense of humor is the best thing a person can have.
Basically the only cool NBA players-
Links
Red Pepper (my homebase)Heartland Feelings
Thought#1: Are there any comedians/funny people in Iraq? Any Comedy clubs?I mean are there any people who just chuckle about how shitty things are?
A Mint movie....check it out
eric idle of monty python
Awesome album by Beck
Vintage Beck
A great Sinatra drink
Ferris Beuler: My favorite movie
The man, the myth-------BECK (in "Where it's at" attire)
The best TV show EVER
Dr.Katz: Funny show on Comedy Central
steely dan (most underrated band ever....my boy Donald Fagen in killer reindeer sweater)
the bomb, my idol, Mr. New York: Woody Allen
My favorite baseball player (Mexcellent) Fernando Valenzuela#34
A bad team but I like their jerseys
Thought#43:Hard work has future payoffs. Being lazy pays off now.
Thought #48: I sleep quite a bit and so my friends give me heck. The funny thing with me is that I take off my pants when I take like a 3 or 4 hour nap. Now my friends call this going to bed even though it is for a short time. I think the definition of nap should be like: sleeping for a short while. But my friends think of it this way: a nap is when you sleep with pants on...the amount of time you sleep has nothing to do with it. So if you have friends that give you crap.....spell it out to them that sleeping in the afternoon isn't a big sin. I thank you.
A scene from Mystery Science Theater 3000 the tv show. (episode: "Invaders From Neptune")
Thought# 51: A suitcase is the last place anyone would want to put a suit. So lets change the name.
Thought#54: I know that people take dogs for walks but do people ever take cats for walks?
Thought#58: (another Christmas thought)I think that roasting chestnuts by the fire is a thing of the past. Besides, wouldn't hot chestnuts taste terrible?
The Big Lebowski Rules
-"Dude" from Big Lebowski
Thought#61: I love how the old 80's metal bands used to throw a few slow, girlie songs onto their albums. Motley Crue was famous for doing it. Lots of hard shit for the guys and then one for the broads. I think it payed off for bands like Nazareth....they
are poor now but they can still tour and play "Son of a Bitch" (Hair of the Dog) for guys and "Love Hurts" for girls.....so they can get laid after the show in their Winnebago.
A mint part in "Fargo" when Steve Buscemi is with a hooker....at a Jose Feliciano lounge act
Mr. Robert Newhart
I would do anything for a Sweetlife (for real)!
<---steven wright
John Cleese of 'Python'
Woody Allen is the smartest, funniest, and coolest guy on the planet (please forgive his love life though..ha ha)..He is the shit.
the best skater in NHL history
The Onion Newspaper...funny!
Comedy Central Home Page
