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Its Almost Funny

I sometimes get funny jokes in my e-mail and I would like to share them with you. Some of them are funny and some, well arent, but here ya go...
I would like to suggest you listen to this song while reading the jokes..


A farmer has three daughters. All three daughters have a date on Friday night. Friday night comes, and the Farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens up the door, and there's a kid on the front porch. The kid says, "HI! My name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna go have spaghetti. Is she ready?" And off go Freddy and Betty About 20 minutes later, the Farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens up the door, and there's a kid on the front porch. The kid says, "HI! My name's Joe! I'm here for Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Is she ready to go?" And off Joe and Flo go. About 15 minures later, the Farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens up the door and there's a kid on the front porch. The kid says, "HI! My name's Chuck....." And the Farmer shoots him.


Things to do in the bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"



Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant: Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic depressive: It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.




Cripes
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like "Cripes." For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly". I'm not making fun
of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my
God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching
over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do
that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long
now..."
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "sexy Senior
Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You
get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for highschool. You go to grade
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it
and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90
cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs
up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'"
"Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive,
your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


One morning, a little boy goes up to his mom and asks..."Mommy, dogs can have little dogs and cats can have little cats and people can have little people, why can't trains have little trains." Mom thinks about this, knowing her son is too young to know the true explanation, she responds, "Well honey, I don't know. Why don't you ask your daddy?" Thinking her son will forget all about it and ask at a more appropriate time. A couple of days go by and dad and son are watching TV. "Daddy," he says, "I have a question." "OK son, what's up?" "Well, dogs can have little dogs and cats can have little cats and people can have little people, why can't trains have little trains?" Dad is thinking the same thing as mom, he's just too young to know this kind of stuff. So he responds, "I don't know son, the next time we take a train ride, why don't you ask the conductor." Dad is feeling pretty smug about this, thinking by the next time they are on a train, his son will forget all about it. A few months go by and the family is on a train bound for Grandma's house. The little boy goes up to the conductor and says, "Mr. Conductor, my daddy told me to ask you a question." "OK then," the conductor responds, "What is your question?" "Well," he says, "dogs can have little dogs and cats can have little cats and people can have little people, why can't trains have little trains?" The conductor looks at the kid and responds, "Well son, we're Amtrak and we always pull out on time."


A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a little boy trying to press a doorbell. The boy was very small, and the doorbell was too high for him to reach. He was jumping up and stretching trying to hit the bell, but he was just too short. The priest was watching the little boy and decided to help him. He walked up behind him, put his hands on his shoulders and gently lifted up the little boy. He rang the doorbell and the priest asked, "Alright then, what do we do now?" The priest was expecting the little boy to say "thank you." He was surprised when he said, "NOW WE RUN!"



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