Kyle is loved and missed by
His parents, Kyle and Carrie Smith,
his sisters Kaylee and Kelsey Smith
and his grandparents Jerry and Debbie Smith

Dear Mom,

I had to leave, please understand
I'm resting in God's own hand,
I was just to weak, to sick to stay,
I would never run, or jump or play.

That's not the way it's suppose to be.
A child wants more--I hope you'll see.
I wanted to smile, to play, to love.
So I had to return to my father above.

Mom, I thank you for keeping me close,
For giving me love, for keeping me warm,
For rubbing your belly and giving me pats,
They comforted me, and I love you for that.

Maybe some evening late at night,
You'll look to the heavens and see a light.
A star that is twinkling high above,
It's me... and I'm sending you my love.

By Gerry Dashiell-Richeter

I was about 5 and 1/2 months along in my pregnancy, I was set to have an ultrasound. I was very excited, cause I just knew he was a boy. I have two girls. My husband (big Kyle) met me at the doctors office. For some reason I was very nervous about a routine ultrasound but I had three miscarriages before him and so I thought that was the reason for the butterflies in my stomach. Sure enough I was told that I was having a little boy. I looked at my husband and saw such pride in his eyes. Don't get me wrong he is very happy with his two girls, but this was a boy. A boy to throw a football around and to talk about cars.

I then looked at the tech and saw concern on her face, I started to panic and she tried to reassure me, something with little Kyle's heart was wrong, she wasn't sure yet what it was it could be something like a whole in his heart, but not to panic because she wasn't sure. For some reason I never really thought it was going to be so bad, I was pretty sure it was going to be a minor thing. The next day I went to an echo tech, where they do a more detail ultrasound, I will never forget that woman's face. I then knew it was bad, all I could ask was oh my God is my little boy going to die. She said she didn't know and that a doctor would soon be here to talk to me, she told me before she left the room that I should see a pediatric cardiologist. The doctor walked in, proceeding to tell me what was wrong with my miracle baby. His heart was on the wrong side, transpition of great arteries, left ventricle and some more, I can't remember all of it. We were told that we should terminate the pregnancy. Little Kyle wasn't going to make it. NOT GOING TO MAKE IT???? My little angel was kicking me as they are telling me this. The doctor herself never recommended seeing a pediatric cardiologist, she just told me to terminate. To fix one problem she stated would make another worst. Thank God for my best friend Amy, she told me to seek another opinion which we did, the pediatric cardiologist, he did his own test and determined that this was something they could fix. He stood a 90% chance of surviving and being a normal little boy. He was going to need 3 to 4 open heart surgeries, and he needed to be a good size baby, to be nice and strong. We didn't think he would need a surgery right at birth but sometime down the road we would.

For the remainder of my pregnancy, I prayed, I talked to him, I sang to him, I willed him to be strong to fight for us. Then came Sept 8, 2004 little Kyle made a grand entrance into the world, weighing 9lbs 10 ozs. Looking very pink and very healthy. I thought to myself did we make a mistake? Is he really sick? Yeah in about an hour little Kyle was starting to get into trouble, he wasn't get enough blood through his body. The surgery we thought was a month or so away was going to happen within days. They needed to place a central shunt in his body to help with the blood flow. He had surgery at 5 days old. The doctor came out to tell us that he had done fine, he was doing OK! We could go back and see him in few hours, we went to lunch, I couldn't shake a bad feeling though, I kept panicking. We went up to see him and were told it would probably be another hour, so we sat waiting, in few minutes they called us, everyone thought we were going to see him a little earlier than thought, but I knew something was wrong. They put us in a small room and told us there was a problem and the doctor would be out to see us. It felt like hours before they came to talk to us, but was only a few minutes. Kyle still wasn't getting enough blood thorough his body and he was very sick. They needed to take him back to the OR! Where as before he stood a 90% chance of making it, they weren't sure he was going to make it this time.

We sat waiting, not saying a word to each other, and I prayed and I begged God please, please just let him live. The doctor finally came out and told us that Kyle had made it but was still very sick and they didn't know what was causing the problem. I asked him, "is he going to die?" I'll never forget it, he took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes and said I just don't know. I couldn't breath, I had never heard the words before that a child of mine could and might die.

I was mad at myself that day, I had made my husband get up early to see him before he went to surgery, I didn't want to upset him, I didn't want him to feel my fear, so I didn't go until I knew he was in surgery. All I could think of was I didn't get to hold him, I didn't get to tell him I love him, I needed him to know that.

The doctors tried to prepare us for what we were going to see, but I was never prepared, he was so bloated and so sickly looking, I couldn't believe that was my baby. Finally they had convinced us to go home and get some rest, there was nothing more we could do for him.

The next day, we went back to the hospital and were told it had been a rough night but he was improving. For three days he got better, they started talking about taking him back to the OR to close his chest and if everything went OK maybe he would be home in a month or so. My husband was so excited he went shopping for him. I on the other hand still couldn't shake this bad feeling. By Friday things were starting to go back down hill, he still wasn't getting enough blood flow through his body, taking him back to surgery wasn't going to help him, if any thing it would kill him. It was a wait and see game, by Sunday the doctors were starting to lose faith, and they were afraid he was going to die now. But little Kyle fooled him he started to show signs of getting better. Then like the rollercoaster is was, he got bad again, this time the doctors wanted to do a heart cath, they weren't sure he would make it through it, but I knew he would and he did, but this time when the doctors came out to tell us they could find nothing that would explain it, I knew he wasn't going to get better, so I had tired to prepare myself to let little Kyle know it was ok to go home!!

All night I tried to work up the courage, to let him go. I got to the hospital in the morning and the first thing I noticed was his coloring, it was awful, it was gray and I knew he was tired, and I needed to let him know it was OK to go. I kid you not, when I told him the bottom fell out, his numbers dropped and I knew he was going to die. I held him that night in my arms while they let Kyle go home to God, I told him, how much I loved him and how proud of him I was. Our song came on and I sang it one more time to him, and Kyle left to go to heaven.

It was so fast and I went crazy when he died, and I haven't been the same since. I miss him, I swear there are nights I hear him crying. I dream of him all the time, I can feel him. I often think I am losing my mind. The waves of grief are so unexpected and so strong. There are times I can't breath, and what is so hard is, they don't know what went wrong!! He had wonderful doctors, I can't say enough about them, and they were all devastated by his lost, you see in 14 short days he managed to touch so many lives and he accomplished so much in that short time, that I can hope to accomplished. He taught me so much about myself, my husband, my family and friends. He taught me not to sweat the small stuff, try to make peace and live my life so that one day I can join him. I have fallen off that path many times, and I pray that I do get it right and one day when I go to be with him, I hope he is proud of me. I am so honored to have been his mom!

There are a few people I would like to thank, my best friend Amy, thank you for knowing me and giving me the courage and strength to be Kyle's mom. For giving Kyle life, because if you hadn't convinced me to give him a chance, I would have never known my sweet little boy. I will never be able to thank you enough. My wonderful husband, thank you for holding me up during this nightmare and loving me unconditional. You are my rock, my best friend, my everything. To my girls, for getting me through one more day. My wonderful in laws for dropping everything and being there for us, during the roughest times of our lives. I am blessed to have you. To Mr. and Mrs. Fred Walls for speaking at Kyle's funeral and for giving us courage and God's word to get us through a very difficult time, you guys are my VA family!! To the doctors and staff of CHKD, for taking such good care of my angel, and giving him every chance possible. Thank you all!!!!!!!!!!

When I must leave you
for a little while
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow to
you through the years
But start off bravely
with a gallant smile;
and for my sake and in
my name live on and
do all things the same,
Feed not your loneliness
on empty days, but fill each
waking hour in useful ways
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near;
and never, never be afraid to die, for I am waiting for you in the sky!

Author unknown.

I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine
what it will be like
when I walk by your side
I can only imagine
what my eyes will see
when your face
is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine.

I can only imagine
when that day comes and I find myself standing in the son
I can only imagine
when all I will do is forever
forever worship you.
I can only imagine.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I am gone.
This world was worthy, not of me,
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was:"meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes."
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
when you will hold my hand,
stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
or gazed into your eyes.
That doesn't mean I never "was",
An Angel never dies...

- Author Unknown -

Click on the photos below to enlarge

Please take a moment and sign Kyle's guestbook
~Thank You~

This RingSurf-Angel Moms
is owned by
Carrie *Kyle's Mommy*.

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