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lI'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time

lI understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"

lIf you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

lWhen I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

lYou were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.

lLearn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!

lThe universe is laughing behind your back.

lThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

lAre you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

lHonesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

lI'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

lA positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

lLove your enemies.. it pisses them off.

lThe human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.

lA paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

lSometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

lIf you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

lLife is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

lI don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

lI work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

lI used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

lDon't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

lYou're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

lEarth is the insane asylum for the universe.

lI'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

lOut of my mind. Back in five minutes.

lThe trouble with life is there's no background music.

lIt IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

lEver stop to think, and forget to start again?

lWho is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

lA committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

lA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

lBasic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

lDon't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

lI intend to live forever - so far, so good.

lI like work, It fascinates me! I can sit and look at it for hours.

lI want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

lI'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!

lJoin the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

lLight travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

lLiving on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

lPeople are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.

lPeople who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

lReality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

lSex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

lSex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

lShould vegetarians eat animal crackers?

lSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

lSometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

lSupport bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

lThe number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!

lThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

lThere's too much blood in my caffeine system.

lThis place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

lTime is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

lWe are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

lWhy do people who know the least know it the loudest?

lYour talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.

lYou can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.

lThe world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).

lI'm smiling. This should scare you.

lSending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).

lWhat you do on your own time's just fine. My imagination's much worse, I just never want to know.

lEveryone says I'm a blonde at heart. But my hearts not blonde.

lDeep down I'm a very shallow person.

lPatrick: I'm mad. Spongebob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead.

lIf a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.

lBefore you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

lI was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.

lIf worms had guns, birds wouldn't mess with them.

lI never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.

lDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.

lMy parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods. Every one has a list of problems and issues. But I am #1 on everyone's list.

lWe're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.

lWe American's, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

lKarate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

lGod grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

lI fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.

lIf I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails.

lAssassins Inc. We aim to please.

lI am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.

lLimiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.

lIt saddens Norwegians that America still honors the Italian Columbus, who arrived late in the New World and by accident, who wasn't even interested in New Worlds but only in spices. Out on a spin in search of curry powder and hot peppers- a man on a voyage to the grocery- he stumbled onto the land of heroic Vikings and proceeded to get the credit for it. And then to name it 'America' after Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian who never saw the New World but only sat in Italy and drew incredibly inaccurate maps of it. By rights, it should be called Erica, after Eric the Red, who did the work five hundred years earlier. The United States of Erica, Erica the Beautiful, The Erican League.

lGet plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.

lWhatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.

lDance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first.

l:P Don't stick that out unless you're going to use it...

lIntelligent doesn't have to mean educated. And Creative doesn't have to mean talented.

lNo one ever listens to Zathras, Quite mad they say, It is good that Zathras does not mind, Has even grown to like it, oh yes." -- Zathras, Babylon 5

l"Zathras is used to being beast of burdon for others. A sad life, and probably a sad death, but at least there is symmetry." -Zathras

lBullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.

lAngry people need hugs (or sharp objects).

lThe funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck

lI didn't vote and I didn't die! Fuck you P. Diddy!

lNostradamus predicted you'd be a loser.

lThe best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

lHigh on life- and glue!

lBy the time you read this you've already read it.

lRestraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.