Yeah Right   

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an
application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove
he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, 'Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!'

Gore Vs Bush

The two major presidential canidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However - they disagree on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence
in the movies and on television. Vice-president Al Gore, his Democrat opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

Things  Not to  Say To A Cop  

           You probably  shouldn’t  respond with

           “Gee  Officer  your eyes look glazed,  have

            you   been eating doughnuts?”

Army Tactics

During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. 'Sorry sir,' said one of the loafers, 'but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way.' The C.O. turned to his driver and said, 'Go drag a couple of those dead bodies  over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.'

Johnny Counts

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
'Yes,' he says, 'I do. My father taught me.'
'Good. What comes after three.'
'Four,' answers little Johnny.
'What comes after six?'
'Seven.' 'Very good,' says the teacher. 'Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?'
Little Johnny smiles and says, 'Jack.'

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.

'I'm sorry, he's dead,' was the standard answer.

Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.