Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
* Lewis Grizzard
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if
there is a man on base."
* Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down
on them?"
* Marilyn Pittman
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you
how to swim..."
* Paula Poundstone
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm
halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a
slow learner!"
* Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be
dead."
* Johnny Carson
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line
up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic? Do tall people
burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they
always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
* Marsha Warfield
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the
same."
* Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a
member of
Congress...But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain
"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think
of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal