Words of Wisdom for Those Who Have Lost A Sibling

Anniversary Reactions One of the most troublesome reactions to a major loss is called an "anniversary reaction," when grief returns in full force on or near the anniversary of the sibling's death his or her birthday holiday times while listening to certain music transitional events, such as a re-location, promotion, marriage, etc. Our subconscious mind is a ruthless timekeeper where loss is concerned. It is as if we have a calendar within us. Often without even being consciously aware of the date, acute pain surfaces, and we begin to feel terrible, but we don't associate the emotional pain with the loss that happened long ago. At other times, even though we are very much aware of the reason for the pain, it is still intense, and feels as if it will last forever. What helps survivors deal with anniversary reactions? Sometimes, simply becoming aware of the date can help reduce the pain. Since anniversary reactions may come up decades later, this is more difficult than you might imagine.

The Lost Relationship The particular brother/sister, sister/sister, or brother/brother relationship impacts the intensity of grief. In some studies of sibling loss, the participants are divided into groups based on their age and gender and the deceased sibling's age and gender. When you lose a sibling, you fit into one of the following relationship categories: Survivor-older sister, Deceased-younger sister Survivor-older sister, Deceased-younger brother Survivor-older brother, Deceased-younger sister Survivor-older brother, Deceased-younger brother Survivor-younger sister, Deceased-older sister Survivor-younger sister, Deceased-older brother Survivor-younger brother, Deceased-older sister Survivor-younger brother, Deceased-older brother Survivor-twin, Deceased-twin This emphasis on the particular relationship highlights a factor often overlooked, because it seems so obvious. You lose not only your brother or sister, but your relationship with that person. Each of the relationship categories listed here has its own particular characteristics and took place within a particular environment. For example, a girl (whose father was emotionally distant or physically absent) who loses an older brother, may be losing the only "father" figure she has known. An older sister who loses a young brother may feel as if she is losing her own child. For adults, whose parents are already deceased, the loss of a particular relationship with a sibling may feel like the loss of all they had left of their parents. Factors associated with the bereaved sibling* Meaning of the lost relationship Meaning of the death Age Gender Roles within the family Other stressful events happening at the time Personality Unique qualities of the relationship with the deceased Perception of the deceased sibling's fulfillment in life Past experience with loss Unfinished business Secondary losses Coping behaviors Mental health Intelligence Level of maturity Social, Cultural, Ethnic, and Religious Background Amount of support available Work status Education Events surrounding the funeral and the funeral itself Medication and drug use General nutrition Physical health Factors associated with the death* Cause of death Timeliness Circumstances surrounding the death Preventability Whether it was anticipated or sudden Length of illness before death *based on work of Therese Rando For further information, call 314-941-3798,

The Importance of Self-Care One of the most notable characteristics of bereaved siblings is their ability to help others who are grieving. In research studies, this particular characteristic is mentioned again and again. However, bereaved siblings are often unable to help themselves with their own grief. I wrote the poem on the right side of the page to highlight the importance of self-care in healing. One of the patterns of dynamics that is often seen in bereaved siblings is as follows. The surviving siblings have been so hurt and become so vulnerable that they cannot tolerate their own feelings. They would like to dis-own their own vulnerability. So they project their feelings on to others who are grieving, and then take care of the other person. If this dynamic is operating in your life, you need to work on self-care. Withdrawing the projection from others, and accepting your own vulnerability is not easy, but is essential for healing. In order to take care of yourself, you have to know yourself and know what your needs are. Sometimes we spend more time trying to get someone else to take care of us than we do in actively caring for ourselves. First, you must learn what your needs are. Everyone knows about needs--we know that babies need love and attention as well as food. Needs do not go away when we become adults. Some of the needs that we all share are: needs for food, security, love, acceptance, beauty, order, appreciation, and self-expression. Get to know yourself and what it takes to make you happy. Learn about the process You can help yourself to heal in other ways too. One is to educate yourself about the process of grief--just being able to give a name to what is happening to you is helpful. As you consider the phases and stages of grief, you don't have to agree with any particular theory. In fact, you might make up your own theory of grief stages, based on your own experience. Who else is better qualified? Learning about the stages helps you to put your experience into a specific context. This feels better than living with the vague ill-defined "soup" of mixed emotions and thoughts about your loss. It is also helpful to learn about the lifelong impact of sibling loss, so you can compare and contrast your experience with what has been learned through research. Every time you read about someone else's experience or the results of research on sibling loss, you have an opportunity to sort out your experience. You say to yourself, "my experience wasn't like that" or "that's exactly what I felt." This process of turning the experience over and over in your mind works somewhat like a rock tumbler--you put in jagged rocks and tumble them until they become smooth. Comparing and contrasting your experience helps you to work it through. A word of warning, however--if this process is especially painful or anxiety producing for you, you may need a professional to help you process this part of your healing. Connect with other bereaved siblings Connecting with others by reading about or sharing experiences is an essential part of your healing. At the moment you learn that your brother or sister is going to die or has died, you begin to form a special place within you to put this experience and keep it away from the rest of your life. This "trauma membrane" keeps others away from your pain and your experience. Other bereaved siblings can often get inside this trauma membrane when no one else can. Once you open this part of yourself to another person whom you trust, healing can begin.

Long-Term Effects of Childhood Sibling Loss by P.G. White, Ph.D. "Time, time, time, see what's become of me..." P. Simon: A Hazy Shade of Winter We may not know completely how sibling loss affects an individual over time, but research has discovered several areas of impact. While some survivor siblings develop distorted ideas about sickness and death as outcomes of sibling loss, others say that they no longer fear death. Guilt, anger, anxiety, and vulnerability to loss and stress all may be seen in survivors. However, it is impossible to ascribe all symptoms to the sibling's death, since events that before the death, such as abuse, divorce, and other factors, undoubtedly play a part. Ideas about Death and Sickness The surviving sibling's ideas about death may change as time progresses after the death. Some bereaved siblings said that the realization that death is part of life was a positive result of their experience with loss. Others became preoccupied with death, possibly as a way to master the trauma of loss. The fear of death led some children to believe that death would come to them next, but others to pretend that they were invulnerable. Those children whose sibling died of cancer feared that they would specifically die of cancer too. Several individuals report that they cannot allow themselves to get too thin, because of their association between thinness and impending death. Children who previously believed that only old people die, felt betrayed by parents and others who had given them that faulty information. They saw doctors and parents as powerless to protect them from sickness and death and were afraid of even minor physical problems. Later, as adults, they may hang on to these beliefs. Guilt and Remorse The effects of losing a sibling undergo constant change. Emotions surface at different times throughout a lifetime. For some, there is a generalized sense of guilt, while others feel guilty about something very specific that they did to their sibling when he or she was alive, something they imagine may have contributed to the death. This may be name-calling, hitting, teasing, or other typical sibling behavior, or may be death wishes towards the deceased sibling. As adults who are looking back on their experience, some survivors said that they felt guilty about how they acted during the time surrounding the death. Some, for example, had not been able to tolerate the physical pain of their sibling and dealt with this by avoiding the sick brother or sister. Looking back, their actions still continue to cause them intense remorse and emotional pain. Others regret not spending time with their brother or sister immediately prior to their death, blaming themselves for not knowing that it was their last chance. Some survivors, who were adolescents at the time of the death, regretted that they had felt shamed or different at the time because of the unusual circumstances of the death (perhaps suicide). Looking back, they felt guilty about their immaturity in caring more about what others thought about them than about their brother or sister. Others felt that they should have been the one to die, because the sibling was younger or special in some way. This survivor guilt is extremely painful. Positive Outcomes Not all of the outcomes of childhood sibling loss are negative. When asked about whether there are any positive results from this experience, survivor siblings said that they experienced psychological growth. In one study, survivors also said they appreciated life more, their priorities about life had changed, and they had greater emotional strength. Other individuals named increased independence and the need and opportunity to examine their religious beliefs as positive benefits from having lived through this painful experience. Having once been through an experience of loss, sibling survivors said that they were not afraid to be with others who were grieving. This may explain why some go into the field of therapy or grief counseling. Research also shows that some individuals respond to their loss by becoming even more creative, which may be their way of working through the loss. Others have achieved a great deal during their lifetime (such as George W. Bush, whose 3 year old sister died of leukemia when he was 10 years old), proof that such a loss does not necessarily prevent survivors from living a fulfilling life. You can read more about this on the Creativity and Sibling Loss page. Vulnerability to Stress Survivors may become vulnerable to any future stresses. For many experiencing the death of a loved one in childhood is traumatic and may lead to post-traumatic stress. The death of a sibling in childhood clearly qualifies to fill Category A from the (DSM-IV) diagnostic criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, which requires that the individual has been "exposed to a traumatic event in which they experienced, witnessed, or were confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others" and that their response to this event " involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Note: In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior" (DSM-IV, pp. 427-429). It is not surprising, therefore, that adult survivors whose sibling died suddenly, as a result of an accident, suicide, or murder, will become anxious when faced with events that remind them of the death. This might be something as simple as watching the evening news. Vulnerability to Loss and Parenting Siblings who have lost brothers or sisters remain vulnerable to future losses, so that they may over-react, even to seemingly insignificant losses. This vulnerability to future stress may often relate to your own children and the way you parent. For example, if your sibling drowned, you may not allow your children to go swimming. You may, in fact, become over-protective of your own children, passing the impact of the loss on to the next generation. Such vulnerability sometimes results in a pessimistic style of thinking that colors all of your life. While this list of long-term effects is not complete, it indicates that the loss of a sibling is a profound experience with lifelong effects. It has undoubtedly shaped who you are today. But it is not the end of the story. These effects can be changed by becoming aware of what the experience did to you, by accepting yourself in spite of your guilt or other painful emotion, by learning to express yourself, and opening your heart to your loved ones.

Frequently Asked Questions Q: How long does the grief last? A: The beginning part of grief that is so much like an actual, physical illness usually lasts no more than 6-8 weeks. After that, the length of time depends on a number of factors, such as the amount of life space shared with the deceased, the degree of dependency on the deceased, and the number of secondary losses. Secondary losses come about because of the death, which was the primary loss. If, for example, your adult brother dies, and his wife has to move away to get a job or to be closer to her parents, the secondary loss is your nieces and nephews, and your sister-in-law. Q: Isn't there some way to kill the pain? I never thought anything could hurt this much. A: Nature has created two ways of relieving the pain of grief. The first is crying, especially if you are trusting enough to cry with another person there who can be accepting of your feelings. The second is talking about your loss and your feelings with a trusted friend or family member, therapist, or minister. When you open your heart to another, their feelings of caring can flow in to your hurt. This is nature's medicine. However, if the pain of grief goes on longer than 2 months, you might want to talk to your physician, because the loss may have triggered a clinical depression. Clinical depression can be treated with medication and therapy. Q: I am having trouble concentrating at work, even though it has been awhile since my sibling died. What can I do? A: Lack of concentration may be a symptom of a clinical depression. Talk to your doctor about this. Also, if you have never really had a chance to talk through your feelings with someone, get a counselor or therapist. Q: My sibling died when I was a child, and now I'm in mid-life, and it seems to be bothering me more now than it did back then. What should I do? A: When you were a child, you were not able to realize exactly what it was you lost. You may not have had the support necessary to complete the grieving process, or aspects of the death may have been traumatic. This is one of the most common patterns of grieving following early sibling loss. It is crucial that you seek help to work through your feelings. Q: Why are siblings so often left out of the grieving process, even when their parents and other relatives get a lot of support? A: This is something I hear all the time. I can't explain it, although I know it happens. Perhaps there has been so much talk about sibling rivalry, people forget about sibling closeness. It might simply be too threatening for others to be supportive of you, because it triggers that person's own vulnerability. Q: Are there any support groups for bereaved siblings? A: Some of the Bereaved Parents and Compassionate Friends organizations welcome siblings to their meetings. I recommend calling them to find out. Also, most hospitals have a grief support group, often run by the hospital chaplain. Call your local hospital for information about this. If they don't know, ask to speak to the chaplain. For online support, check out the SupportLinks page.

I obtained this information from the sibling connection which you can find at:
info@counselingstlouis.net