Thursday, July 26

Once again I take pleasure in presenting a guest writer for this spot. She is someone who I never thought would write an article - for me or for anyone. That would be Lady Laura. She, after reading what I wrote about today's subject, explained that she could do better. Perhaps ... perhaps not!!! So I've thrown caution to the wind and tossed out my column. Here is her offering - written entirely by herself (with a little help from yours truly).

I recently made a discovery that all women need to know about. Itís a magic new product in a bottle called "wrinkle releaser". Do you wonder what women did before we had products like "wrinkle releaser?" Iíll tell you what we did Ė we ironed!

I can scarcely believe the hours I used to spend standing over the hot ironing board making our clothes smooth and wrinkle free. We sprinkled, we refrigerated, we steamed, we starched, we sprayed, we spat, and we ironed. Perspiration runs down my forehead in wet beads just thinking about it.

Who would think that the day would come when women no longer had to iron? But somewhere just between the final edge of sanity and beginning of womenís lib, permanent pressed fabrics came into the world. The timing was an interesting coincidence Ė or was it?

Now, some people will tell you that God created cotton and mankind created polyester. Donít believe them. Anything as good as polyester has to be from heaven.

Polyester blends were "perma-pressed," meaning they didnít need to be ironed. Women folded up their ironing boards and hid them. We became less and less particular about wrinkles and learned that if we took stuff right out of the dryer and hung it on hangers, it could pass for ironed.

When God saw the success of polyester blends, he was pleased, and brought forth another new invention, "wrinkle releaser." This stuff is really just a liquid fabric softener that you spray on clothes to soften and smooth away any wrinkles that may have escaped the dryer or developed while clothes were folded in drawers.

Some will try to tell you that Proctor & Gamble invented wrinkle releaser. Donít believe them. We know where it really came from.

Clothes have come a long way. Nowadays, if a wrinkle dares to develop, we grab the plastic bottle of wrinkle releaser and spray away. Wrinkle releaser not only makes the wrinkles disappear, it leaves a fresh, clean smell. Itís so wonderful that my eyes grow misty and I think I hear the angels singing every time I use it.

If only all problems were as easy to smooth away as the wrinkles in clothes. Ah, if only life had a "wrinkle releaser."

Got a little dent in the fender from backing into that shopping basket on the supermarket parking lot? No problem! Grab the bottle of wrinkle releaser, spray and smooth it away before hubby gets home.

Hair too curly? Spray your BIG hair with wrinkle releaser to get rid of the frizzies and smooth it into a manageable style that leaves you looking like you just stepped out of a fashion magazine.

Try it on that maze of computer cords under the desk. Straighten out the pipes in the bath and unclog the drains. Make the wilted lettuce in the frig crisp again, and turn pretzels into bread sticks. Spray and smooth the wrinkles in the sheets and remake the beds with one sweeping squirt. Heck, it could probably turn a poodle into a Pekinese.

Yes, if only all the little kinks in life could be banished forever as easily as the wrinkles in clothes. Mountains could be turned into molehills. Grandma could be turned into a teenager! WAIT! What is this in the fine print on the back of the bottle? "Do not spray directly toward the face." Guess I should have known it wouldnít work on THOSE wrinkles. We seem destined to go through life with more wrinkles on our face than in our clothes.

"USE ONLY AS INTENDED," proclaim the instructions. Thereís always a catch, isnít there? Somehow I get the feeling that Proctor & Gamble saw me coming.

Hey, I may be old, but Iíll be an old woman with some great looking clothes!