June 26, 2012

After punching the wall in my sleep last week things just aren't going my way lately - this morning (Monday) was no improvement. I have a Home Health Unit that connects me directly to a Registered Nurse at the VA hospital. I input my vital statistics and the unit sends them to a registered nurse (my nurse's name is Kathy and she watches me like a hawk). This morning she noticed that I had gained several pounds over the week-end and she called me to find out why.

I explained that on Saturday night we had a lovely meal at a local Chinese Buffet and I must have eaten more than I should have. She, being a good imitation of a psychic, told me that I had eaten things that I shouldn't have. Oh, but those macaroons and ice cream were soooo good! She gave me a supposedly good-natured butt chewing and said she was looking for my weight to come down this week. Oh, joy ... what fun that will be.

Then, after I hung up the phone, I went to my computer to get to work (i.e. playing my Jimmy Diver game). As I often do just before starting to use the computer for the day, I reached behind my computer tower to clean the back air vent. Sometimes, like today, I just use my bare hand to wipe it clean. But today I got a surprise. When I reached behind the tower I got bitten by a spider!

I’ve been bitten!! Bitten by a poisonous mutant spider from hell and not in the good “now I get to be spiderman” type of way, but more in the “I thought my arm was going to fall off and maybe I was going to die” type of way. Luckily, I my wife was in the next room and she is a former EMT. I kept making her look at the bite and she kept saying things like, “Yes. It’s a spider bite. It looks normal.”

Then when I would show her again, 20 minutes later, when the bite was clearly trying to consume my entire arm with otherworldly poison she would say things like “You’re overreacting. It looks exactly the same. Why don’t you believe me when I tell you that it looks normal?”

I’ll tell you why I didn’t believe her, because she doesn’t even acknowledge that poisonous mutant spiders from hell exist. So, obviously, she would have a hard time recognizing one of their bites since she doesn’t even think that poisonous mutant spiders from hell are a real thing.

Anyway, the poisonous mutant spider from hell bite (at first I thought it might be a bot fly bite which is a type of bite where the bot fly lays it’s eggs in you and then a worm hatches in your body) was healing pretty well but I think that’s just due to the tenacity with which I am willing to fight off poisonous hell-based infections. The poisonous mutant spider from hell bite did make me realize that maybe the fact that lots of poisonous insects and snakes live in Pennsylvania isn’t exactly my favorite thing about living here. Scrapple and Pennsylvania Dutch cooking sure do make up for it though.

I'll keep you updated on my condition ... if my arm doesn't fall off!