May 9, 2012

(I found out what I did to make Laura mad - I found and ate her last muffin. The one she hid behind the coffee mugs. Can't get past this nose of mine!!)

Once in a while Lady Laura takes over my computer (please note it is MY computer). I bought it with my own money and I use it 99.99% of the time. Yesterday she wanted me to look up some of our family tree. I said I needed to take a nap first because ... well ... I was sleepy and I needed my nap.

I napped. She took over my computer.

Climbing into the far reaches of one’s family tree can be a dicey endeavor. I mentioned this to the wife, but she had already scrambled past a major fork, scaled 15 branches and is inspecting an obscure limb several hundred years old. I don’t think she can heard me.

She got deep into our family tree, a forest really, and we are surrounded by Germans. She has climbed the family tree before and has printed out copious "things". They’re everywhere – kitchen table, coffee table, an enormous chart resembling a detailed blueprint covers the length of the dining room table.

The entire, and I mean entire, extended family is in the dining room and I have to eat off a TV table or at my desk. It’s the low-maintenance family get together I’ve always dreamed of.

The wife woke me from my nap after working on the family tree and said, “Guess what?”

“Hmpf,” I said.

She mistakenly took that as encouragement.

“I’ve made a discovery,” she said.

I opened one eye. “You traced us all the way back to Adam?”

“No, but I’m close to Noah.”

She said that she actually had traced a line on her father’s side all the way back to the Revolutionary War.

“That’s nice,” I said. “Our side won, now let me go back to sleep.”

“But wait, there’s more!”

Her intonation was uncanny. It was just like on television when you think the wonder and the marvel of Magic Slicer and Dicer is over but the announcer keeps adding to the offer: “But wait, there’s more! Order today and we’ll send you not one, not two - but three!”

In this case it’s not Slicer and Dicers we keep getting more of, but greats. It seems there was a great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather that served in three different lines in the Revolutionary War.

This is exactly the can of worms we don’t need to open and here is why: The wife says – with a definite air of nobility -- that she has descended from a long line of patriots. It is possible. But it is also possible that her great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather served in three different lines because he kept going AWOL, they kept finding him and sending him back. Who can know for sure?

Now the wife’s latest discovery – more greats – has taken her back to around 1530. I ask if that doesn’t take some leaps of faith.

“How do you know all of this is true?” I ask. “How do you know some crank isn’t on a computer somewhere making this stuff up, posting it online as fast as she can?”

Did I say “she”?

She ignores the jibe and says our ancestors will be very excited if we can trace the family line all the way back to 1530.

I think she missed one major point here - we have no kids and therefore we ain't gonna have no ancestors.

You can be the one who tells her. I'm going back to finish my nap.