May 10, 2012

Since God created man in His image, I've always figured that the world must be perfect. Also, that God might have a wart on His big toe that rubs against His sandals just like mine does. In order to reinforce the feeling of awe that I experience each time I contemplate the miracle of my life, I've made up a number of affirmations that I recite regularly. These help me to reaffirm and appreciate my own perfection, as well as the perfection of everything else in my life.

For as long as I live, I will come up with the idea that will make me millions right as I'm falling asleep, and then not be able to remember it the next morning.

For as long as I live, I will be trying to lose "just five pounds."

For as long as I live, my next door neighbor will wake me up at eight on Saturday morning with his lawnmower, leaf-blower, or snow-thrower.

For as long as my dog lives, he will try to attack the mailman, then belatedly remember that it's the same guy who always gives him a doggie treat, and act sheepish and apologetic for trying to kill him.

For as long as I live, the newspaper guy will throw my morning paper into a puddle whenever it rains.

For as long as I live, just when we think winter is over, it'll sleet and snow one more time and kill off all the early blooming flowers.

For as long as I live, the telephone will ring at the perfectly inappropriate time, and I'll still answer it because, "what if it's my little brother and he needs me to bail him out of jail?"

For as long as I live, I will get the last seat (next to the smelly guy) at the VA and have to wait for an hour for my appointment.

For as long as I live, the leftovers that I carefully hide underneath the Brussels sprouts will get eaten, but those I leave out in plain view will be ignored until the smell is so bad we need to clean the whole refrigerator.

For as long as I live, the shoes will fit perfectly in the store and start pinching my foot as soon as I put them on for the first time at home.

For as long as I live, I will schedule two important appointments at the exact same time at least once a week.

For as long as I live, I will not be able to figure out how to get the new computer to work as well as the old computer until it's time to get another new computer.

For as long as I live, the neighborhood Dennis the Menace will come over to my house and will find a way to spill something dark and sticky in my new car the first time I let him take a ride in it.

For as long as I live, I'll be the one to discover, halfway through my shower, that the shampoo is all gone (or belongs to the dog).

For as long as I live, I'll be the one who has to set the mousetraps, and then deal with the catch of the day.

For as long as I live, I'll remember to buy everything on the shopping list except for the dog food, and then have to go back again, or else give the dog half my steak.

For as long as I live, my brother-in-law will promise to pay me back the money he owes me next Thursday.

For as long as I live, I'll be sitting down with my pants around my ankles before I discover that the toilet paper is all gone.

For as long as I live, the girl of my dreams will snore.

For as long as I live, the girl of my dreams will kick me awake when I snore.

For as long as I live, the check will be in the mail.

For as long as I live, I'll be careful to avoid getting too much sun on my first day of beach vacation, but not quite careful enough.

For as long as I live, I'll say the wrong thing at the right time and the right thing at the wrong time.

For as long as I live, I'll be searching for the shirt my wife threw out 10 years ago.

For as long as I live, I'll find some new way to turn all my white clothes pink in the wash.

For as long as I live, my doctor will want me to submit to one more expensive test to see if she can find something else the matter with me.

For as long as I live, I will thank God for the perfection of my life.