March 26, 2012

As I sit here at my computer, I am trying to think of a subject for today. From the front room I can hear the TV - Lady Laura is watching Survivor. She loves that show ... I can take it or leave it. Know what would really make me watch that show? Muppet Survivor!!

I am thinking to myself “Self, I wonder who would be the winner of Muppet Survivor?”

Time passes ...

It is now a couple of hours later and ever since the thought entered my mind, I have been watching imaginary Muppet Survivor in my daydreams. You may be surprised who wins.

Week 1: The Muppets Survivors are split into two tribes. The Woka Woka Tribe consists of Fozzie Bear, Scooter, The Swedish Chef, Miss Piggy, Camilla The Chicken, Rizzo, and Beaker. The It Ain’t Easy Being Green Tribe members are Kermit the Frog, Gonzo, Rowlf, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Sam The Eagle, and Statler and Waldorf. The two tribes compete in an endurance challenge and the It Ain’t Easy Being Green tribe barely wins in a tight race. They win a box of matches to light a fire. The Woka Woka Tribe must send someone home. In a shocking move, they vote Camilla The Chicken off the island - mostly because she was starting to look delicious and they weren’t sure how much longer the Swedish Chef could resist.

Week 2: Tribe Woka Woka and Tribe It Ain’t Easy Being Green face off in a reward challenge for a picnic basket full of bacon. Miss Piggy sits out the competition in protest, putting a target on her back. Even without Miss Piggy, the Woka Woka Tribe is able to pull out the victory and spend the night feasting on picnic basket bacon in order to “beef up for the next days competition.” Get it? Beef up - with pork. Anyone? At the next day’s elimination challenge Woka Woka Tribe easily beats the It Ain’t Easy Being Green tribe in a puzzle challenge because Fozzie Bear is shockingly intelligent, it seems as if his poor jokes are just a ruse to fly under the radar. At tribal council the It Ain’t Easy Being Green Tribe unanimously votes out Kermit The Frog because they fear his likability would ensure him the million dollar prize.

Week 3: Realizing they voted Kermit out, Miss Piggy swears vengeance and leads Woka Woka Tribe to complete victory in both the reward and elimination challenges singlehandedly. In the process, she injures members of both teams and Rizzo and Rowlf are both forced to leave the competition due to their wounds. At tribal council Tribe It Ain’t Easy Being Green votes to send Dr. Bunsen Honeydew home because he snores very loudly at night.

Week 4: It Ain’t Easy Being Green is poised for a comeback and wins the reward challenge. Their reward is a helicopter ride to a private waterfall. Gonzo and Sam The Eagle use the noise of the waterfall to camouflage their strategy discussions, they decide to form a secret alliance and take each other to the final three. Unfortunately, Gonzo stinks at keeping secrets and the entire plan is revealed within 3 minutes. Before the teams compete in an elimination challenge they find out that the tribes are merging and are now called the They’re All Bad Tribe (Statler and Waldorf suggested it). The challenges are now played for individual immunity. The first challenge is a building challenge and The Swedish Chef wins it - no one knows how or why. At tribal council, the tribe votes to send Miss Piggy home because of her “poor attitude” and “lack of help around camp”. Miss Piggy karate chops them all and then waltzes away. She is the first member of the jury.

Week 5: The tribe is told this week is a mass elimination week. The contestants are stunned but in Muppet Survivor you have to expect the unexpected. This makes winning individual immunity crucial. The immunity challenge is three-pronged. The first stage is a race up a cliff. The second is a dive off the cliff into murky alligator infested water. The last part of the challenge is knitting a pair of wool mittens with only one knitting needle. Statler and Waldorf make some snide remarks and then quit the show. It’s the most predictable event in Survivor history, in fact, the surprising part is that they waited until week 5 to quit. Scooter wins the challenge by a landslide. He has earned immunity. At tribal council the final three are eliminated, Fozzie Bear Sam The Eagle, and The Swedish Chef are voted out and join Miss Piggy, Statler, and Waldorf in the jury. The final three are Beaker, Scooter, and Gonzo.

Week 6: It all comes down to the jury votes. Beaker makes a compelling case to vote for him. He played the game with “Meep meep.” and never once “Meeped.” Scooter also pleads with the jury for their votes but it is difficult to hear him because Gonzo shoots himself out of a cannon and a large explosion occurs. No one is injured. In the end, the vote was unanimous and the winner is Beaker!! He proved all you need to win Muppet Survivor is a little bit of meep and an awful lot of meep.

I can’t wait until next seasons Muppet Survivor! I heard that Animal eats a hidden immunity idol and that Kermit is back and playing for redemption.

Seriously, you guys, I wish this was a show.