January 16, 2012

This past Saturday evening my brother, sisters and I (and our spouses) had a meal together - we do that from time to time and we always have lots of laughs and good times. Naturally, some of the time is spent remembering our parents.

My mother passed away a little more than two years ago. She knew all there is to know about living in the modern world. And she never lets us forget it. From The Great Depression to the world's biggest shopping mall, from silent movies to talking ovens, from men on roller skates to men on the moon, she's seen it all. Whenever I had a problem in any area of modern life I'd refer to the appropriate section of Mom's Guide to Life.

I've spent the past couple of years putting together Mom's Guide to Life so I could present it to you in an orderely fashion. Also, I hope this brings back some fond memories for my brother and sisters.

Mom's Guide to Life:

Fashion - Put on some clothes without holes in them.
Music - Turn down the stereo!
Education - Do your homework or no TV.
Sex - After you take out the garbage I'll talk to you about it.
Dating - Don't forget to put on your boots. And your scarf.
New Products - I don't care what they said on TV, we're not buying any.
Natural Resources - Don't stay in the shower too long, you'll use up all the hot water!
Health Clubs - You want exercise? Go mow the lawn.
Diets - I don't like how thin you're getting, you'd better eat something.
Work - Nobody does good work nowadays.
Politics - They're all a bunch of thieves.
Conservation - Turn out the lights and get to sleep.
Pleasure - Don't go looking for trouble.
Happiness - Don't get your hopes up.
Advice - If I wanted your advice I would have asked for it.
Fun - If you keep doing that you're going to break something.
Celebrations - If we don't get going soon, we'll never find a parking space.
New Movies - Don't waste your money, it'll be on TV next year.
Travel - Don't ask where we're going - just get in the back of the stationwagon.
Going Downtown - If you see something you want - don't ask.
Shopping - Be quiet and don't touch anything.
Neatness - If I see this laying on the floor one more time, I'm throwing it in the garbage!
Making an Impression - Sit up straight and don't talk with your mouth full.
Modern Communications - Wait till after 11 when the rates go down.
Homemaking - Every time I turn around there's another mess to clean up.
Home Cooking - What do you think this is, a restaurant?
Discipline - Wait till your father gets home.
Wealth - It's more trouble than it's worth.
Doctors - None of 'em can tell you nothin'.
Romance - Get off the telephone, I'm expecting a call!
Children - What can you do?
God - Hurry up and get ready for Sunday School.
The Future - Don't say I didn't warn you.