"Package for you, Your Majesty!"
The Imperial lackey gives Emperor Palpatine, AKA Darth Sidious (admit it, you know it's true)
a wrapped bundle. "Why, it's a gift from Grand Admiral Thrawn from the Outer Rim. No doubt more exotic
artwork he's discovered." Palpatine greedily tears the paper off. There, in his hand, rests a
curious puzzle box. "I sense the power of the Dark Side within this," he says. Believing he has
discovered some forgotten Sith artifact, he begins to play with the box.
Suddenly the lights go out in the throne room. The smell of flesh permeates the air. Chains drop
out of nowhere. Suddenly the Sith Master and ruler of the galaxy... isn't on Coruscant anymore.
"You opened the box. Now you must come with us," says the tall figure coming out of the
shadows. Pins stick out all over the tortured flesh of his head. Others, also disfigured, emerge
from the darkness. "Our lord Leviathan demands that you be molded into his perfect order to be
brought into harmony with Hell."
"I don't think so!" cackles Palpatine. At his side appears Darth Vader and Darth Maul (hey,
this is Hell after all... where do you think he went to? A half-off sale?) Vader
ignites his lightsaber while Maul switches on his dual blades. Pinhead and the Cenobites begin
arming themselves with various hooks, chains, etc.
So, in this desperate delusion brought on from DNS destruction, which will win: the demons or the Darths?
BTW, because this quick-fix is basically a one-man operation, I have sacrificed my court-ordered dosage of Haliperidol so that my evil multiple-personality could come out and offer opposing commentary. Please welcome... Killer BOB!
Killer BOB: through the darkness of future past, the magician longs to see. One chants out between two worlds... FIRE WALK WITH ME!
Chris: Ummmm... okay. Maybe going off that Haliperidol wasn't such a good idea.
Killer BOB: Do you like to play with fire?
Chris: Hey, stop that! That's the Episode I beach towel my sister gave me for finally graduating college. Put down that match... AAAARRGGHHH!!! Quick somebody call 911!
Unfortunately, choosing the winner is just about ALL you can do! What, you think a guy
like me would bother to do a CGI script for this half-baked page? You should be so thankful that
there's even this much to get you through the night! Maybe before too long though, you'll
get your high again on the REAL WWWF Ground Zero! You can also
see where the magic began at the ORIGINAL WWWF Grudge Match!
In the meantime, until things are fully back in order at Ground Zero proper, this site
will continue to function as a contingency measure, although in a somewhat diminished capacity. Feel
free to continue to respond to Cenobites vs. Sith but when WWWF is back online, you'll have 24 hours to
wrap up things here, send in responses, etc. before this site gets archived forever (or at least retired until
the next crash. We're always on standby!) So keep 'em coming by e-mailing me!
To prevent looting, general distress, etc. in light of this catastrophe, we at WWWF are pleased to announce that Mister T
has arrived with his retinue to patrol the streets and maintain order at this time. Curfew is still in effect. Mister T has been authorized to act against violators with extreme prejudice...
With Ground Zero now back to fully operational
status, this Emergency Edition of the WWWF must, sadly, come to a close. Thank you, everyone
of you, who came by, for sending in the wonderful e-mails of encouragement, for responding, for
asking me what I was smoking and to please send five pounds at once to the address you gave me,
for not laughing at the crude drawings, for laughing at the crude drawings, and for basically making
this one of the best weeks I've spent in recent memory. But it wasn't me. If anything this has taught me,
it's that WWWF is far above and beyond one man, or even one group of men. It's a concept that will be here
long after we are gone. We do what we must to keep it alive, because it is the common glue that has created
a most unique bond during these past few years. Thank you Steve and Brian for starting it. Thank you Paul, HotBranch!, Shane
and the rest at Ground Zero for continuing it. Thank you, all the Grudgies, who have given it its incredible vitality.
And I've been asked why I have so much time on my hands! At the present time I'm an unemployed historian, who is looking to pursue his
dream in becoming a writer. All this time that WWWF Emergency Edition was running, I've been writing a book, something I've been developing for awhile now. When it gets published, the requisite link to Amazon will be put up
here (and on my homepage) so you can help me just the same way you helped Steve
and Brian with their book (you did buy the Grudge Match book, didn't you? Shame on you if you didn't! :-)
By the power vested in me as Interim Poobah and Evacuation Manager and Coordinator, I hereby declare that the emergency has passed, and this Emergency Edition(tm) of the WWWF shall be retired.
I relinquish my duty to Paul Golba and the WWWF
Ground Zero staff. TROOPS, DISMISSED!
So 'til next time, take care, God bless, and...
May the Force be with you... always.
Force-choke out what life is left in
The Cenobites (2 - 20%)
*sigh* So, this is really what its come to, huh?
I really must praise the excellent illustration work though. Let me see, Darth Vader (I assume that's supposed to be Darth Vader) is about to hit Palpatine over the head with a curling iron while an armless Darth Maul laments over the sadly flaccid state of his dual-lightsabre. We need some Viagra in here, stat!
And then there's the Cenobites. At least you can tell which one is supposed to be Pinhead, he's the one who resembles a basketball undergoing acupuncture. I'm not even going to hazard a guess as to what the guy in the sunglasses is suppposed to be.
And oh, the match! Sith win.
- Don "King" Milliken
Imagine for a moment that the Scooby Doo kids went up against Vader, Palpatine and Maul. Then imagine that somehow the impossible happened, and they actually got the Sith Big Three to fall into one of their Rube Goldberg traps, you know, the ones that just about always catch Shag and Scoob as a bonus? Now, come a few more steps with me: The gang rushes over to the entrapped Dark Jedi for the triumphant unmasking. When Freddie grabs hold of that respiration helmet and plants his foot on Vader’s shoulders for leverage, which result do you think is most likely?
B.Vivisection by lightsaber
C.“Telekinetic strangle” (powered by the Dark SideTM!) on the family jewels, reducing them to pulp and reducing Fred to a quivering mass only capable of screaming pleas for death, which is then mercifully granted via answer A or B. Similar horrors simultaneously visited rest of those meddling kids and their dog. If there’s any justice at all, Scrappy Doo and all the Scooby Movie guest stars are present.
It’s your vote, kids, though I personally find option C much too graphic for Cartoon Network. Anyhow, I think you’ll agree that if that’s what would happen to people who beat the Cenobites, then the Cenobites are certainly out of their league. The Emperor will probably push those pins all the way in before fricasseeing Pinhead with those electric bolts. Maul will handle that funny-shaped-head guy with a classic spin-dodge-parry-hack-slash-dice-chop-julienne maneuver. As for Vader and the fat guy with the shades…did I mention that Vader knows that Palpatine loves pork rinds?
- Mr. Silverback-Clive Barker
- Being horror film characters, they have a certain amount of invincibility.
- Pinhead has joined the high ranks of Freddy and Jason as the recognizable villains of our time.
- They're from Hell. That's gotta be a few points.
- They're all freakish mutants. Everyone loves freakish mutants.
- Can be released by something as simple as a puzzle box.
- They're from a currently limp series of horror films that should have ended once the first was over.
- Pinhead is an obvious masochist with all the damn pins in his head.
- While Pinhead is popular, most people couldn't give a rat's ass about the others.
- All they kill are hapless teenagers stupid enough to mess with the puzzle box.
- Currently the only horror icons defeated by the Scooby-Doo gang.
- Emperor Palpatine was once a senator. That oughta give him a range of impunity.
- Darth Vader is the most popular in the Star Wars films as the guy most Warsies dress up like. If the Cenobites take a swing at Vader and hit, they'll find they just nailed a black-cloaked weirdo packing a plastic lightsaber.
- Do I really have to mention the Force?
- Sidious, Maul, Vader... Real kickass nicknames.
- They can pretty much only be defeated by others that use the Force.
- Emperor Palpatine may be able to handle a lightsaber, but he'll always be a heart attack waiting to happen.
- Darth Vader's embarrassment after being played by Jake "Jingle All the Way" Lloyd in Episode I.
- Darth Maul carries a double lightsaber. If you try to hold one of those like a normal sword you'll get a saber through your liver. How do you think Maul was chopped in half? By young Obi-Wan? Right.
- The Sith-Produced Death Star is about as durable as a 500-year old china
doll used as a baseball bat.
- The Sith-Employed Storm Troopers have low intelligence and bang their heads on doorways.
The way I see it, Palpatine plucks the pins from Pinhead's head until it is
deflated. After killing about seven fake Darth Vaders, two Cenobites find
the real one. They also find a saber decapitating them. The rest of the
Cenobites mistake Maul for Pinhead in make-up with all those pointy things
sticking out of his head. They get their asses kicked.
Sure, the Cenobites are from Hell, but the Sith have the Force,
lightsabers, and a bigger cult following than "Hellraiser" could EVER
- -Charge Man-
- ~Chewy Walrus
Interim Poobah's note: sorry Chewy, your reponse was fourth, but as you can see, as in any other emergency situation, we are being as charitable as we can be until the supplies run out. Enjoy your ROTWCZG! (all for only $19.95)
1) Pinhead - Could easily take over the entire mortal realm if it wasn't for That Darn Box (tm). First step - gotta get the puzzle box. All the SIth have to do is play a game of "Keep Away", and he'll tire out and return to his Netherworld to spout more prosaic dialogue...
2) Chatterer - Nothing but a cheap thug in the Cenobite Cosa Nostra. He and Darth Maul could discuss Orthodontics...
3) Butterball - He's fat, he grunts, and he picks his navel.
So on the Sith side, we have the Ted Bundys and Jeffrey Dahmers, and the
Charles Mansons of the universe...
While the Cenobites have a Poetic Nerd, a muscleman, and the Netherworld equivalent of *Al* Bundy.
The result is easy -
The Emperor forces them all back to Hell with the box. The Sith enjoy a quiet meal of Chicken Wings and popcorn shrimp.
- Scott J.
Interim Poobah's note: we have it on good authority from sources deep within Lucasfilm that Darth Maul's real name is Khameir Sarin. Though anyone named after nerve gas probably *had* to become something twisted like a Sith Lord. Props for hitting on this point!
- Lost in Kansas
However, I think Killer BOB will probably beat Chris in the flaming
As for Mr Silverback, I think Scooby-Doo and the gang could take Darth
Vader, too. C'mon. They may not have the RAGE (tm) but they have the
Retro (pat. pend.) and that has to impart Mentos (tm) level coolness.
- Field Marshal J A Dusty Sayers, O.St.D.
The Cenobites: Invented the Rubik’s Cube, a simple harmless toy that makes for loads of clean family entertainment. Let me show you. See, turn
here, twist here, and walla, this side is all red. Oops, well this side is still a little mixed up so let me rearrange it a bit. There. All done... what the...
this was red a second ago. OK, no problem, let me just make a few more adjustments. &%@*! OK, if I do this and this and this... AARRGHH!!!
The Cenobites win. Palpatine just can't compete with that level of evil.
- Paul G.
Bottom line: Pinhead's spiky melon gets a nice new home in the Death Star sewing room.(yeah, like those officers don't
need some uniform repairin' every now and then).
Interim Poobah and Evacuation Manager's note: Shaft gets the elusive ROTFCTM(tm) Grudgie because, even in the midst of the crisis, he pre-formatted with HTML! At this late hour (2 a.m.) that had to go recognized somehow :-)
- Christopher Kintz