Christmas Shopping...HnF Style!

The sun peaked in through Matt's window early that morning, and he pulled the covers up above his head.

Matt: ::mumbling to self:: Dayum sako sun shanin' in mah ahs awl urleh ayand stuff... ::throws pillow at window:: Go dawn naw!

Just then, Gil burst in the door and pulled the covers off of Matt...

Gil: Boay, git yer sako booteh up...ayand fer gawds sake git sum payants awn!
Matt: ::covers self with a pillow:: DADDEH! AH AIN'T NAWT STUFFED YET! GIT!
Gil: We is goin' Criyismus shawppin' tewday wit yer brudder ayand dem nass sexeh ladays Hawlie, Danay, ayand Ahray...so git up naw! We is leevin' ayat nahn... ::walks out and slams the door::
Matt: ::stands up and pulls pants on:: Dayum sako peupul...ah ain't nawt' posta be gittin' up so gawd dayum urleh tew shawp fer sako presunts! ::stuffs 34732682758423847 socks:: sakos...

Nine o'clock, downstairs:

Gil: ::yelling upstairs:: MATT!! BOAY!! GIT YER SAWKS STUFFED AYAND GIT YER SAKO BOOTEH DAWN HEER NAAAAW!!!!
Matt: ::runs down the stairs while stuffing last sock:: AH IS HEER! :outofbreathmatt
Jeff: So, is we goin' tew bah nippuls naw? :wideasssmilestoopidjeff
Holly: Yeah...ummm...let's just load into the van and get this over with!
Dani: Sounds good to me..
Ari: Let's go...

In the van:

Jeff and Gil were in the front, and Matt was sitting next to Ari, and Holly and Dani were in the last row of seats in the back.

Matt: So..Ahray...wut is yew bahin' fer..umm..me? ::smile::
Ari: Well..if I told you it would ruin the surprise..
Matt: Ah wud lahk sawks..
Holly: ::leans forward:: There's a shocker! ::sits back::
Ari: You know what I want Matt? ::runs her finger down his bicep::
Matt: ::gulp:: Wut?
Ari: A big....fat...humungous...NAIL FILE!
Matt: A wut? A nayul fahl?
Ari: Well..come to think of it...no...my manicurist would KILL ME! But...umm...i'll settle for...whatever your little heart desires Matthew...
Gil: ::from the drivers seat:: Naw, lissen up sakos...win we git theyer...yew gahs bettur be nass...Danay...yer mawmma leyeft me in charge uv yew...so yew gawtta say wit' me...Jeff....yew kin shawp wit Hawlie...ayand Matt...yew kin go awf wit Ahray...now...jist be nass ayand don't nawt git in trubul!
Dani: :poutingdanay ::mumbles to self:: Get stuck with the stinky old man...
Holly: ::slaps forehead:: This should be...interesting...
Matt (thinking to self): Fahnully...ah is gawnna git tew spend sum nass tahm wit' Ahray...we is gawnna hayave such a nass tahm shawpping tewgethur...::sagh::

Gil pulled the van into the parking lot, and parked nice and close to the front entrance of K-Mart, their first stop of the day. Everyone piled out of the van and the 6 saks made their way to the door.

When they entered the store, Holly pulled out a shopping cart, and immediately Jeff tried to climb in the front and sit.

Holly: Umm...Jeff...I don't think you - umm...does that hurt?
Jeff: ::smashed in the front seat of the cart:: Naw...ah feul nass...NAW PUSH DIS SAKO BUGGEH TEW DA SKITTUL AHLE!

Meanwhile:

Gil grabbed Dani's hand and pulled her over to him and his cart.

Gil: Naw Danay, ah see yew gittin' awl sako ayand shiat wit' dem sako gals....but tewday yew gawtta be nass ayand shawp wit' big daddeh Giyulbert, ok?
Dani: :scareddani Y-yes...I-I...
Gil: NASS! Naw...yew kin push da buggeh...ah is gawnna shawp...naw...cum awn sako...PUSH DA DAYUM THING!

Meanwhile:

Matt sighed as Ari selected a cart and turned to him...

Ari: So...where shall we start? :nassahray
Matt: :dreamyeyedandinlovewithahraymatt Welp..we kin...umm....da sa...s-sawks!
Ari: ::Sigh:: oook Matt...sock aisle it is... ::pushes cart and walks ahead of Matt::
Matt: Wait up sako! ::runs up and walks next to Ari::

Meanwhile:

Holly was pushing Jeff in the shopping cart as they walked through the bath and body section of the store....

Jeff: Nass things fer mah nippuls...::smiling and looking around as Holly pushes::
Holly: Jeff...you're so damn heavy...mind getting...OUT!?
Jeff: Naw...ah lahk it heer! ::big ass smile:: Ok..so...hmm..nass soap ::throwing random items into the cart::
Holly: Why in the hell are you throwing soap in the cart?
Jeff: Cause ah is gittin' it fer yew...but shhh....it's a serprahz...don't nawt teyell yerseyelf!
Holly: ::continues walking:: Ooook...now...what would Ari like...maybe some perfume? How about Dani?
Jeff: Naw...ah don't nawt think Ahray wud lahk Danay fer Criyismus...
Holly: I meant...n-never mind...

Meanwhile:

Dani was pushing the cart after Gil, as he walked through the camping section.

Gil: Hmm...nass tent...thiyis shore is a nass cayumpin' display tew...don't ya think Danay?
Dani: ::yawns:: Yeah...sure...whatever...
Gil: Ah beyet Jeff wud lahk thiyis..he kin cayamp awtsahd wit' his sako frends ayand git awl sako...yup...ah think ah maht bah him a nass teyent.. ::attempts to pick up the display tent which is all set up and put it in the cart:: Maht ayas weyell bah him da lawg tew ::picks up fake logs, and various other things that were set up to make the "camp site":: Nass...
Dani: Uh...umm...Gil...I don't think you sh -
Gil: Naw Danay....ah hayave bin arawnd lawts lawnger thayan yew...ah think ah no haw tew shawp fer Criyismus giyifts...
Dani: Whaaaaaateeeever... ::continues to push::
Gil: Naw wut e - ::feels someone tap hi on his shoulder:: WUT? ::swings around and sees K-Mart man::
K-Mart guy: Umm...sir...is that a tent display and logs in your cart?
Gil: Naw...it's a presunt fer mah boay!
K-Mart guy: Sir...can I please ask you to remove the display items from your cart, immediately?
Gil: Naw...ayand it's Danay's cart...she is da sako pushing it boay!
Dani: HUH? WHA? No...uh-uh..::crosses arms::
K-Mart guy: Sir...you remove the items or you and your daughter can come with me...
Gil: Wut?! Is yew sako? Mah dawtur?! Naw...dew ah luk old enuff tew be a daddeh??!
K-Mart guy: Please come with me sir...

Meanwhile: Ari and Matt made their way to the sock aisle, as Ari pushed the cart and Matt walked closely next to her....they looked like the picture perfect couple...god...he wished...

Matt: Oh mah gawd, fleece sawks fer siyix dawllars a payaer....these are so nass ayand warm fer da wiyintur!! :happymatt
Ari: Umm...yeah... ::picks up a few pairs and throws them in the cart::
Matt: ::acts as though he didn't see that:: So...ummm...haw is yew Ahray? :nervousmatt
Ari: I need some...some...erm...hehe..
Matt: Sum?
Ari: You could say that...hehe...
Matt: Me tew...dayum...
Ari: Please..you get layed ALL the time...you stud you! ::winks::
Matt: ::blushing:: Weyell..yes...but...naw..ah meen sumtahms...but ah want meeningful seyex...ah want...ah want luv...ah want sum wun tew hold ayand sum wun tew luv me ayand sum wun tew...tew...sum wun tew be more thayan jist a fuck buddeh! :seriousmatt
Ari: Aww...Matt...that was the sweetest thing you have ever said...
Matt: Yew thiyink? :hopefulmatt
Ari: :noddingahray Yes...That's exactly what I need...someone to love me..someone to show me passion and..and...sincere emotion... ::sigh::
Matt: Ayand...ayand...ayand amazing thiyings thayat yew thawt wuzn't nawt pawssibul!
Ari: YES! :fallinginlovesecretlyahray
Matt: Weyell...we is jist lukin' fer da same sako thang, huh? :inlovematt
Ari: :smilingahray Yes...we are...so...shall we continue shopping?
Matt: Oh..umm..yup :)

Meanwhile:

Holly and Jeff made their way from the bath and body section...to the infamous K-Mart clothing section!

Jeff: ::from front of cart, singing:: Awl da wiyumen...whoz iyindupeyendent...throw yer hayands u-
Holly: ::covers Jeff's mouth with her hand:: PLEASE! SHUT UP! Jesus H. Christ...now...what kinda clothes does your dad like, do you know?
Jeff: Weyelp...he lahks flayanul shirts ayand he lahks nass tayackeh payants ayand hayats ayand shews ayand sawks...naw...wait...the sawks part is Matt...
Holly: Ooook... ::picks off a red and black flannel from the rack:: Hmm...tacky...rugged..very Gil ::throws is in the cart:: So...we have..erm...I have gifts for Gil...and Ari and Dani and -
Jeff: Wut diyid yew git dem? :stupidjeff
Holly: Jeff...I made it a point to keep that a secret from you ::pats him on the head and smiles:: So...we still have to shop for Matt and Moxie and Shannon and Shane and Christian and Edge and Rob and Randy and -
Jeff: MAH NIPPULS!
Holly: Yes dear...you too...
Jeff: Welp..ah gawtta git sum stuff fer evurehwun tew...suz ah lahk mah friends...they're nass :sweetjeff
Holly: :smilinghawlie Awwww...Jeff..that was almost cute :)

Meanwhile:

Gil and Dani were escorted to the managers office in the back of the store by the K-Mart guy.

Manager: Now what is this I hear about you trying to steal a shopping display?
Gil: AH AINT NAWT BOAY! Naw yew lissen heer...ah was jist heer wit nass Danay shawppin' fer mah boay's ayand their sako friends....ah thawt mah boay Jeff..who is a littul sako...maght lahk a teyent...so ah put it in theyer....naw ah hayad evereh iyinteyenshun uv payen yew sakos fer it... :extremelypissedoffgil
Manager: Now listen here uh...what's your name?
Gil: Mah nayame is Giyulbert Hardeh ay -
Manager: Gilbert.now...you can't just take the display items..they are set up for a reason....to give the customer - that'd be you - a better idea of what the product might look like once you get it home...if you wanted a tent...you should've simply selected a BOXED tent....not the one we had set up...
Dani: ::raises hand:: Erm...I have to go to the bathroom...
Manager: Uh...sir...we'd better let you two go, now just don't let this happen again.. daughter says she has to go..
Gil: MAH WUT!? NAW!! NAW!! THIS SAKO AIN'T NAWT MAH DAWTER! AH AIN'T NAWT HER DADDEH! WUT IS YEW SAKO! SHE'S JIS DANAY...SHE LAHKS MAH BOAYS NIPPULS...AYAND SHE LAHKS MULESTIN' THAYAT DAYUM CANADIAN SAKO CRISHCHUN...NAW! :sakopissedoffgil
Manager: So she's no relation to you at all? ::turns to Dani:: Young lady ::kneels down to Dani:: Do you know this man?
Dani: :sakoevileyedani Y - weeeeell... ::imagines Matt:: NO! NOI DO NOT! HE'S CRAZY! CALL MY REAL DADDY DOWN HERE! MATT HARDY! MATT HARDY IS MY DADDY! Well...my love daddy :evildani
Manager: Sir...i'm going to have to ask you to step away from this young lady for the time being... ::picks up loudspeaker mic thing:: Matt Hardy please report to the manager's office...Matt Hardy to the manager's office...we have your daughter with us...
Gil: YEW WU -
Manager: ::puts up hand:: Sir...please...now we are all gonna have this straightened out when her father arrives...please..calm down...

10 minutes later Matt and Ari showed up at the office.

Ari: HIS DAUGHTER?! DANI!
Dani: ::wink:: Shh... ::nudges Ahray::
Matt: MAH DAWTER! AH ::looks at Gil:: DADDEH!? WUT IS YEW DEWIN'...ah...Danay ain't mah...
Dani: ::elbows Matt in the stomach:: We like to play this little game somtimes....RIGHT DADDY!? :evilsmiledani
Manager: Why did he just call you Daddy? ::looks at Gil::
Gil: LAHK AH WUZ TRAHIN' TEW SAY! MATT IS MAH SUN AYAND DANAY IS HIS SAKO FRIEND!
Manager: ::turns to Dani:: IS this true young lady:: Well..well...ok...see...I like to call Matt daddy in bed so...
Manager and Ari: IN BED!!!??!!
Matt: IN BEYED!!? NAW SAKO AH LUV YA DANAY BUT AH AIN'T NAWT TRAHIN T -
Dani: ::rams her tongue down Matt's throat::
Matt: HMPH! ::pulls away:: SAKO!
Manager: Ok...i've seen about enough of this...all of you OOOOOOUT! NOOOOW!! GET OUTTA MY STORE YOU SICKOS! ::pushes them all out of the office::

Meanwhile:

Holly: I wonder why they wanted Matt in the manager's office..
Jeff: Mah brudder ain't nawt gawt no kids...cept fer da cahw iyincudent..but...naw he ain't nawt gawts no sako kiyids...

Holly and Jeff continued to walk around the store when they bumped into Gil, Matt, Ari, and Dani.

Ari: There you guys are...thank god! ::runs over to Holly and Jeff::
Matt: Luks lahk we gawtta go...Danay is sako ayand she said ah wuz her daddeh ayand then she said ah wuz sleepin' wit her...ayand then she said mah daddeh was sako ayand -
Jeff: So da cahw ain't nawt heer?
Matt: :embarassedmatt Naw...
Gil: Well...boay....we gawtta go cause Danay is sako...
Dani: Oh puleez...if it wasn't for you trying to steal the tent!
Gil: WELL YEW SAID AH WAS SAKO!
Matt: YEW SAID AH WUZ YER DADDEH!
Holly: OK! OK! Does anyone wanna tell me and Jeff what's going on here? :confusedhawlie
Jeff: ::from the front of the cart:: Yup...ah didn't nawt no Danay was Matt's sako chald...er dayat dey wuz bayangin!
Gil: We kin eyexplane it tew yew gahs awn da way tew da mawl...leyets git awtta heer...AYAND FER GAWDS SAKE JEFF....GIT YER ASS AWTTA DAYAT BUGGEH!

An hour later, at the mall

The 6 sakos were walking around the mall, Jeff was holding Holly's hand and sucking his thumb, Gil was refusing to talk to Dani, and Ahray was walking next to Matt who had Dani hanging off of his sleeve...

Holly: So...where do we wanna go...? Spencers? :wantsediblepantieshawlie
Jeff: HAWT TAWPIC!
Matt: Sawks-R-us!
Ari: Honey...there is no such store....
Matt: :blushingmatt Umm...ah new thayat!
Gil: Nahw wut we gawtta dew is we gawtta awl spliyit up..ayand fer gawds sake sum wun take thayat sako chahld wit' yew!
Dani: ::Rolls eyes:: Oh please...me...psycho? I wasn't the one stealing a tent in K-Mart!
Gil: ::face turns red and he stops:: AH WUSN'T NAWT STEELIN' IT YEW SAKO!!
Dani: YEAH HUH!
Gil: NAW YEW WUZ!
Dani: YOU!
Gil: YEW!
Dani: YOOOOOOOOOOU!!
Ari: ALRIGHT ALREADY! Jesus H. Christ! Will you guys knock it off?
Dani: He started it...HMPH!
Matt: Luk.kin we just shawp nahw?
Ari: ::turns to Matt and gives him a big smile:: For once in my life I can actually say that Matt...you have the right idea :inloveahray
Matt: Gawsh.... ::takes Ari's hand:: Awlraht gahs...leyet's keep awn wawlkin!
Ari: :stunnedahray Uh...uh...mmhmm.. ::swallows hard::

The 6 kept on walking until, up ahead, Jeff spotted SANTA CLAUS!

Jeff: OH MAH GUD LAWRD AWL MAGHTEH IN DA SKAH! SAYANTA CLAWS!
Holly: Oh no...
Jeff: I IS CUMIN' SAYANTAAA!!! ::charges Santa, dragging Holly with him:: GIT AWTTA MAH WAY SAKOS! ::pushes a few kids down who are standing in line:: I IS HEER!! ::jumping up and down hoping Santa will see him at the back of the line::

The other 4 came running over to the line where Jeff and Holly were now standing.

Gil: Naw..naw...ah ain't nawt stayandin' in nosako lahn tew see no sako Sayanta!
Jeff: ::looks at Gil:: Well don't nawt theyen....Hawlie will..cuz she is nass! :smilingwidejeff
Holly: Aww...well...ummm.. ::looks down at Jeff's hand which is in hers:: Yeah...sure...why the hell not...
Matt: Ahray ayand ah kin stay tew so we kin sit awn his layap...ayand pull awn his sako fake beard! ::high fives Ari::
Jeff: Fake? Naw...Sayanta gawts a reul beard!
Matt: Yeah...ayand mah sawks ain't nawt in mah payants...mmmhmm...
Jeff: Well....he is reul ayand ah is gawnna prewv it tew yew!

10 minutes later, it was Jeff's turn to sit on Santa's lap, so he demanded that Holly pick him up (like all the other mommys were) and sit him on Santa's lap

Santa: Ho...Ho...Ho....
Jeff: Don't nawt cawl Hawlie thayat! Sako...
Santa: Erm...Merry Christmas little b...erm...son...I...::ahem:: Have you been good this year?
Jeff: Ah hayave been very nass ayand ah wud just lahk tew ayask yew if yew wud give me sum new nippuls this yeer!
Santa: Ummm...o-ok little boy...I...ummm...man...
Jeff: Nass....awlso wud yew give Hawlie sum cawndums, Matt sum sawks, Mah daddeh Mawskie, an Ahray...ummm...Ahray needs sum ass..bayad!
Santa: Well i'll see what my elfs can d -
Jeff: Awlso will yew give me lawts uv skittuls in mah stawkin'?
Santa: Make a list a -
Jeff: When yew git me new nippuls, make sher dey ain't nawt hareh....ah hate hareh nippuls.....ah meen...a littul biyit uv hayer is nass bit theyer is su -
Holly: ::puts hand over Jeff's mouth:: Santa..I am so sorry...
Jeff: ::bits Holly's finger:: I WASN'T NAWT FINISHED! Nahw...ah wud awlso lahk tew know if yew is reul..
Santa: What?
Holly: YOU MOTHER FUCKER YOU BIT ME! ::spears Jeff off of Santa's lap::
Santa: ::falls out of chair and into a huge display of packages:: WOOOOAH!!
Holly: ::on top of Jeff slapping him:: YOU DUMB ASS MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Jeff: ::Covering face:: Nawt in frunt uv Sayanta, Hawlie!! ::pushes Holly off and stands up:: YEW IS SAKO!
Holly: ::Stand up and straightens out shirt:: Ok...move along folks...nothin' to see here....
Jeff: ::hiding behind Matt and Ari:: She is nawt nass!
Holly: ::giving Jeff the evil eye:: Let's go meet up with Dani and Gil...they're in the food court...

On the way to the food court:

Matt: So...Jeffie...wut did ah tell yew....he ain't nawt reul!
Jeff: HE IS TEW! HAWLIE IS JUST SAKO AYAND SHE ATAYACKED ME WAHL AH WUZ TRAHIN' TEW GIT YEW SUM SAWKS, ME SUM NIPPULS, AYAND AHRAY SUM BOOTEH!
Ari and Matt: HUH?!
Holly: Jeff...if you don't shut the fuck up right now so help me god you won't have any nipples left..
Jeff: ::moves away from Holly:: Sako...

The 4 of them met up with Gil and Dani, who were still arguing, in the food court...

Matt: Sakos...shut yer mawths!
Gil: BOAY! IS YEW MAWTHIN' AWF??!!
Matt: Naw...ah jist...
Gil: GUD! Luk...we gawtta git goin' sewn..
Jeff: Hawlie atayacked me!
Gil: WUT!? :redinthefacegil
Holly: Only after he asked Santa for nipples and ass
Gil: WUT!!!?? :gettingmaddergil
Jeff: Well...well...it wuz fer a nass caws!
Ari: Look...let's not cause another scene in public...let's just go an - ::Spots RVD walking not too far away:: ROOOOOB!! ::waving hands in the air like a maniac:: Yeah...over heeeeere!!

Rob approached them...he was high...yeah....

RVD: Hey.. ::puff puff:: Yeah.. ::exhale::
Jeff: Hey yew Rawbbeh ole buddeh ole payel...haw is yew?
Holly: Get over it Jeff ::pushes him away and stand next to RVD:: hi sweety....
RVD: High? Wanna?
Matt: :madmatt NAW! YEW CAYANT! NAWT IN DA MAWL!
RVD: ::holds up joint:: This is an HNF fictional creation...of course we can...so come on guys...let's all go to the ladie's room and blaze up...yeah..
Ari: WOOHOO!
Dani: Umm...ok...
Gil: NAAAASS!!
Matt: ::mumbles and follows along::

In the ladies room:

Everyone was getting high while huddled by a stall, well...everyone except Matt.

Ari: ::puff puff:: Yeah... ::passes to Holly::
Holly:: Yeah....ooooh yeah....::puff puff::
Gil: This shore is nass... ::puff puff::
RVD: Nothin' like some good smoke to bring everyone together...

Matt: ::leans against a sink:: Dayum sakos awlways gittin hagh wit thayat sako Rawb Vayan Dayum...::Sagh:: Oh weyell...ayat least mah Ahray tuched mah hayand ::looks down at hand:: nass...

THE END