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Moral Dilemma A lawyer in a small firm had just finished advising a client on a business matter. The fee for the advice was $100 and the client gave the lawyer a folded up $100 bill. After the client left, the lawyer unfolded the bill and realized that the client had accidentally given him two $100 bills. Now he was faced with a true moral dilemma: Should he share the extra $100 with his partners? Ahh - To Marry A Lawyer A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle, ...I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena. The bride responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great'! My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation. My third husband was in Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically "okay", but he just couldn't get the system up. My fourth husband was in Educational Services, and he simply said, "Those who can... do; those who can't...teach." My fifth husband worked as a Telemarketing Manager and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. My seventh husband was in Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job. My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it. My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!" My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him! So now I have married a lawyer, I know I'll definitely get screwed." Heaven & Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just WHERE are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Q:How do you know if a lawyer is lying? A:If their mouth is moving Q:What do you call 300 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A:A good start! Three guys show up at the pearly gates, a carpenter, a lawyer, and a preacher. St. Peter is taking them to their residences. First stop is at a huge, beautiful house for the carpenter. When they get to the second stop is is for the lawyer. The place is fantastic with a welcoming crowd, a choir of angels and a great celebration. The preacher thinks, "I'll really get a great place." They arrive at a modest cottage for the preacher. Puzzled, the preacher asks, "i don't want to complain, but why did the carpenter get a better house since I have been pious and a supporter of the Lord." St. Peter says, "Well, Jesus was a carpenter and he always loves carpenters." The preacher says, "That makes sense but I don't understand the grand party and fantastic house for the lawyer." St. Peter says, "Oh, that's easy to explain, he's the first lawyer to ever make it up here." Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer. There was a doctor, an engineer and a lawyer marooned on an island, separated from the mainland by a short channel that was filed with sharks. The doctor said, "I'm a good swimer – I can make it across." He didn't. The engineer saw the feeding frenzy and thoought he could make it across with the doctor's demise as a distraction. It didn't work. A crowd on the other shore watched in horror. The last was the lawyer. He stepped to the edge of the water and whistled. The sharks in a precision maneuver came together, side by side, making a perfect bridge, which the lawyer ambled across to safety. The crowd was stunned. One man managed to ask, "What was that all about?" to the lawyer. His reply: "Professional courtesy." Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off of you when you run out of blood. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks before the snake. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Chelsea. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice. A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.":) Dumb blonde jokes |
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