Ever since I put up my life story, “How I came to call myself gay,” people have been asking me what happened next.  The first story ended where I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay.  That's where this one picks up.  It's a story that continues to grow and change as time goes on, because God is always teaching me more.

--Justin (January, 2000)

The realization that I was gay turned my whole world upside-down.  Everything I had imagined for my future -- meeting the right girl, getting married, having kids, working in the church -- seemed like an utter impossibility now.  I didn't know what I was going to do with my life anymore.  Even worse, everything I believed was suddenly called into question.

All my life, I had simply accepted certain things:  God is good, Jesus died for our sins, the Bible is true, my parents love me, my church is right, and so forth.  Among these, I had simply accepted the idea, "Homosexuality is a sin, and being gay is a choice."  Once I realized that being gay wasn't a choice, it made me wonder what else I might have been wrong about.  If the same church that said "the Bible is God's Word," also said, "being gay is a choice," how could I trust anything they said?  How could I trust anything anyone said?

I think that most kids who are raised as Christians reach a crisis of faith at some point in their lives.  You start questioning everything, wondering why you accepted things so easily, rethinking everything you've ever learned.  It doesn't happen the same way for everyone, but when you get to that point, there are only two ways you can come out of it.  Either you'll leave your childhood faith behind, or it will mature and grow stronger and more solidly based.  No matter which way you go, you'll never be the same again.

Well, this was my crisis of faith, and I knew I had to figure out what to believe.  I wasn't going to be satisfied just picking and choosing beliefs; I wanted to find the truth.  But I soon discovered that it's pretty much impossible to get an unbiased opinion from any human being.  I only knew of one source of unbiased information, and that was God.

You may be wondering how I could possibly turn to God for information when it seems like the very existence of God should have been one of the biggest doubts in my mind.  But I didn't doubt God, and here's why.  Although I had accepted many doctrines of the church without question, the existence of God was something I had experienced personally.  I didn't believe in God because someone told me to or because I needed to believe in something; I believed in God because I had felt His presence and seen Him work miracles in my life.  I had a personal, one-on-one relationship with God that I don't know how to explain to those who have never experienced it.  Many Christians talk about a "personal relationship with God," but for some people it's just another religious phrase to throw out so they'll sound good.  For me, it was something real -- real enough that I knew I could get on my knees in front of Him and ask for help, and He would help me.

So that's what I did.  I literally knelt down by my bed and prayed through tears for some guidance.  I had come to that point where I finally realized I didn't have any more answers.  Looking back, I realize that it was a beautiful moment in my life, because for the first time I truly understood what it meant to be humbled in God's presence.  At that moment, though, it didn't seem like a beautiful thing.  All I felt was pain and confusion.

Wouldn't it be cool if I could tell you that there was some miracle at that moment -- a voice from heaven, a startling coincidence, or any unmistakable sign to show me what to do?  That would have made a great story.  But it didn't happen that way.  The truth is, I struggled with this for a long time.  I went back and forth, first coming to one conclusion, then coming to another.  Over time, God taught me things about what it meant to be gay and Christian, but they came slowly and only with a lot of prayer and study.  I'm not the most patient guy in the world; sometimes I just wished God would drop a letter from the heavens that would explain to me exactly what I was supposed to do to please Him.  But even though the slow process was frustrating at times, it did more for me than deal with this one particular issue.  It caused me to mature as a Christian and grow closer to God.

Okay, enough rambling... back to the story.  As I said in part 1, when I first admitted to myself that I was gay, I was firmly convinced that it would only be a temporary situation.  I asked everyone to pray for me, and I prayed also, that God would be swift in taking away my attractions to guys and give me an attraction to girls instead.  To become straight was what I wanted more than anything.  But as time went by and I was continuing to pray about this, I began to wonder whether God was going to change me at all.  These new doubts upset me, because I couldn't be sure whether they were from from God (slowly leading me in a new direction to see His truth more clearly) or from Satan (trying to keep me from realizing the plan God had for me).  Either way, they terrified me.  I was sure I knew what God had planned for my life -- be straight, date girls, get married, raise a family -- and there was no way that could happen if God didn't make me straight first!  I was willing to wait as long as it took, even if it took years and years, but first I needed some reassurance from Him, because I didn't want to spend my whole life waiting for something that wasn't in His plan to begin with.

I decided that I needed to know exactly what the Bible said for someone in my situation.  Unfortunately, I didn't know offhand which verses dealt with homosexuality.  I knew there were verses in there somewhere, but this wasn't a subject I had ever studied in Bible study or Sunday School, and I was afraid to ask anyone for help.

I got on the internet and did a search for Christian views on homosexuality.  I found the website of a conservative Christian organization with a page all about "the gay dilemma."  Excitedly, I read it over and over again.  It said that God didn't intend for us to be gay, and that anyone could become straight with His help if they were willing to follow Him.  This was exactly what I wanted to hear!  My hope for change was renewed.  At the bottom of the page was a list of all the verses in the Bible dealing with homosexuality.  Finally, I thought, my prayers had been answered, because here was a group of Christians who said that I could become straight, and they even had a list of verses to prove it.  Now all I had to do was look up these verses, and I could know for certain what God wanted to do in my life.  At least, that's what I thought.

With trembling hands, I opened my NIV Bible and looked up each passage in order.  The first one was the story of Sodom, where a group of men attempt to rape two visiting angels just before their city is destroyed.  That sure didn't seem terribly relevant to my situation, but I read on.  The next two verses were from Leviticus, and they said that "man should not lie with man."  That wasn't particularly helpful either.  I wasn't "lying" with anyone; I was just an 18-year-old virgin who didn't want to be gay anymore.  There was only one more passage in the Old Testament, and that was the story of Gibeah in Judges 19 -- a story that sounded almost exactly like the Sodom story.  Weird, I thought, but still not very relevant to me.  I wasn't going to rape anyone!

Feeling somewhat disappointed, I turned to the New Testament.  There was a passage in Romans describing men and women who turned from God to worship idols and ended up having "unnatural relations," and that passage really confused me.  I knew I had never turned from God like that; I'm not perfect, and I've sinned many times in my life, but I've always tried to follow God's will.  Was I being punished for something?  Still, I wasn't having any "unnatural relations."  Feeling somewhat bewildered, I continued on to 1 Corinthians, which said that "homosexual offenders" would not inherit the Kingdom of God.  What did that mean?  I looked up the same passage in the KJV, and it said "abusers of themselves with mankind."  Well, I wasn't sure what a "homosexual offender" was, but I was pretty sure that I wasn't an "abuser of myself with mankind."  The last passage was in 1 Timothy, and that one didn't even mention homosexuality in my Bible; it just condemned "perverts," although in the KJV I discovered that same bit about "abusers of themselves with mankind."

And that was it.  The sum of the Bible's instruction on homosexuality seemed to be about rape, idolatry, and sex.  It disappointed and frustrated me.  I wasn't having sex.  I had never even thought about having sex with a guy.  I had just assumed all this time that I was eventually going to become straight.  But didn't the Bible have anything to say to someone like me?  Wasn't there anything for gay people who didn't have sex and didn't worship idols, who just wanted some kind of direction from God about what to do?  For the first time since I had admitted to being gay, I felt very alone again.  I knelt by my bed and wept, praying desperately for more guidance.  (Yeah, okay, I cried a lot at this point in my life.  It was a big deal to me!)

Other questions presented themselves to my mind.  If I never became attracted to women, was I condemned to a life of celibacy?  I knew that Paul considered celibacy a high calling, but it was hard for me to see it that way.  I wanted someone to spend my life with -- "to have and to hold till death do us part."  Would it be possible for me to have a romantic relationship with another guy?  What if we didn't have sex?  Or was it even possible that the Bible's negative comments on homosexuality were meant to apply to a particular time and situation, like Paul's rules on hair length in 1 Corinthians 11?  I just didn't know what to think.

While I was still struggling with all these questions, I had another big issue to deal with: college.  It was the summer before my freshman year, and my parents still didn't know about my big secret.  I wanted them to know, but I was afraid of what might happen if I told them.

I spent a week that summer as a counselor at my church's summer camp.  I led Bible studies and helped other people with their problems, but I still didn't know what to do about mine.  Thankfully, God really worked in my life that week.  When I wasn't needed to help supervise kids or act in a skit, I walked alone down the dusty paths that twisted throughout the campgrounds and prayed.  At night, I'd stare up at the immense cloudless sky and think about the majesty of the God who created the universe.  He cares about me, I thought, and that gave me comfort.

There was a pastor from my church at that camp; I'll call him Rick.  On one of the first few days of camp, I found out that Pastor Rick had done some kind of ministry to homosexuals in the past.  I had never heard anything like that before!  Perhaps, I thought, this was a man I could talk to.  If he had worked with gay people in the past, maybe he would listen and understand if I told him about me.  I prayed and prayed about it, and God gave me the courage to talk to him.

Pastor Rick and I walked around the camp until we found a quiet spot by a lake, surrounded by trees.  As I stared out at the water, he calmly asked me questions and I answered them.  He didn't call me "sick" or "perverted" or anything like that.  He just listened and reassured me that there were other people like me.  I could tell that he really cared about me, so I listened to what he had to say.  I later decided that I didn't agree with many of the things he said that night, but that's okay.  What mattered the most to me at that moment was knowing that someone else knew about my deep dark secret and loved me anyway.

In Rick's opinion, my homosexual feelings were probably caused by something that happened during the first few years of my life.  He said that it might be possible for me to become straight...but then again, it might not.  Either way, he said, he knew that the feelings I had were not my fault.  As long as I stayed celibate, I wasn't sinning, even if I had to deal with these feelings all my life.

I was astounded.  Here was a pastor from my very conservative church who had actually come to the same conclusion I had just recently reached -- that gay feelings by themselves weren't a sin.  I decided that I could talk to Rick and he would understand.  Perhaps someday I could even tell him about all the other questions I had.

I realized later that summer that I was going to have to tell my parents eventually.  I couldn't keep this a secret forever, and I didn't want them to find out from someone else.  The trouble was, I was scared to tell them.  I had no idea what to expect, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and I didn't really want to be hanging around the house once they knew.  The tension would be too much for me to bear.

I finally decided on a plan for telling my parents.  I called up Pastor Rick and asked if he would help me.  He agreed.  I asked him to call my parents and set up an appointment to meet at the church one night during my last week at home before moving off to college.  I asked him not to tell them that it was about me or that I would be there, because I didn't want them to be asking me a lot of questions before we got there.

Pastor Rick did exactly what he was supposed to.  He set up an appointment with my mom and dad to meet at the church one evening.  Neither one of them thought it was strange at all, because they've both been very involved in that church for years.

The night of the meeting, I tried to sneak out of the house a few minutes before they had to leave.  At the last minute, my dad saw me leaving and asked where I was going.  I mumbled something about important errands, and I jumped in my car and drove off without further explanation, leaving him standing there looking very bewildered!  I got to the church and parked in the back where my parents wouldn't see my car.  I met Pastor Rick and rode the elevator up to his office.

I sat down in Rick's office and realized for the first time how nervous I was.  I was literally shaking.  This was the point of no return, but at least Rick was going to be there for me.  After a final word of encouragement, Rick went downstairs to wait for my parents and I sat alone, praying desperately for courage.  I suddenly realized I had no idea what I was going to say to them.  I started panicking.  When I heard the familiar voices coming down the hall, my stomach started to hurt so bad that I thought I was going to be sick.  Suddenly, there they were, standing in the doorway -- Mom, Dad, and Pastor Rick.

"Well hello there," my mom said with a surprised smile.  "I didn't expect to see you here."

I laughed nervously in response and tried to smile.

As they all sat down, Pastor Rick explained, "Justin has something he wants to tell you."

And then they were all looking at me.  And I had no idea what to say.  For what seems like an eternity, I stared around the room, especially at the floor, and stumbled over my words.  I started talking about Liz and how, even though I liked her, I had decided it was best not to date her.  I talked all around the subject until there was nothing left to say.  I took a deep breath.

"I decided it was best to stop dating her because... I'm not attracted to her.  Actually... I'm not attracted to any girls.  I never have been."

That's about all I remember saying.  I think I said something about being attracted to guys, but at that point I was so nervous that it felt like someone else was pushing the words out of my mouth.  I'm not sure if I actually used the word "gay" or not, but I know they got the message.  My eyes were glued to the floor now and I couldn't have said another word if my life had depended on it.  I felt lightheaded.  My mom reached over and touched my hand.  "We'll always love you, no matter what," she said through tears.  The room was silent.  Then after a moment, my parents had a million questions, and Rick sat patiently and answered them.  No, he didn't think I had chosen it.  Yes, he thought it might change.  No, he didn't believe it was a sin as long as I was celibate.  I just kept sitting there and sitting there, wanting the night to be over.  My parents had taken it much better than I had expected, but I felt like somehow, everything had changed.  Now they knew the truth about me, and I was convinced it would change their opinion about me -- maybe because it had changed my opinion about me.  Maybe I wasn't quite as comfortable with everything as I wanted to believe I was.

In many ways, that night was the turning point of my life since realizing I was gay.  Finally the people I cared most about -- my parents -- knew the truth about me, for better or for worse.  And I began to feel that maybe it wasn't so important that I have all the answers all the time.  I didn't have to know right away what I was going to do with the rest of my life, and I didn't have to understand the whole gay thing all at once.  All I needed right then was to be honest with myself and with other people about what I was experiencing.

A lot of things have happened in my life since that night.  I've been in college for 3 1/2 years now.  I've come out to just about everyone, and I've met lots of other gay people, which helped me become a lot more comfortable with the fact that I'm gay.  And I have struggled a lot with understanding the Bible and wading through a lot of half-baked theological arguments on both sides that just don't add up when you examine them too closely.  I've come to my own conclusions about things, but God keeps teaching me every day.

My parents have really been wonderful about all this.  When I say that, I don't mean to imply that they handled everything perfectly, because they didn't.  Then again, neither did I.  We've had plenty of arguments about things, and there are still many issues on which we disagree.  There are times that I've wanted to just withdraw from them completely because it seemed like they were rejecting me in one way or another.  But at the end of the day, what's most important is that I know they still love me, and I love them.  We've decided that maintaining our relationship is more important than agreeing on everything.

These days, I'm just living my life one step at a time, waiting to see where God leads me next.

I've grown accustomed to asking the same question:  "What now, God?"

"Just be patient," He replies.  "I'll show you when the time is right."