Lately a lot of people have been talking about sexual orientation, trying to figure out if it's fixed (so that a gay person will always be gay throughout his/her lifetime) or fluid (so that people may change their sexual attractions over time).  It's become a pretty major issue, and it's upsetting a lot of people for different reasons.

For example, a few years ago 20/20 did a story on JoAnn Loulan, an outspoken lesbian author and speaker who says she has fallen in love with a man but is still a lesbian.  Much of the lesbian community is outraged, saying that you can't fall in love with a man and have sex with him and still consider yourself a lesbian.  They say she must be bisexual; she insists that she's not.

As another example, consider the growth of the ex-gay movement, particularly in Christian circles.  Organizations are springing up all over the place saying that it is possible to go from gay to straight, and a number of men and women now say that they've done just that.  Some say it's a miracle of God.  Others say it proves that people can choose their orientation.  And some say it's just a hoax.  The "ex-ex-gay" movement is growing, led by men and women who left ex-gay ministries after many years and now claim that anyone who calls himself "ex-gay" is just deceiving himself and others.  Ex-gays respond, "Just because you didn't experience change doesn't mean that I didn't."

Why does any of this matter?  Because it's a matter of integrity.  Many gay people have tried for decades to become straight but were totally unable to be attracted to the opposite sex.  They worry that if people begin believing that sexual orientation is changeable, a lot of pressure would be put on gays to change.  When someone was unable to change, he or she would be accused of not trying hard enough or not having enough faith.  But on the other hand, many ex-gay people say they really have experienced change in their sexual feelings over time, and they don't like being accused of lying by people who don't believe you can change your orientation.  Basically, everyone wants to have his or her own story respected.

Someone recently told me about an article in a major gay magazine asking whether its readers thought that: a) sexual orientation is fixed; b) sexual orientation is fluid; or c) everyone is inherently bisexual.  What follows is my response to him.

I've been thinking about this whole fluidity and change thing quite a bit, and I'm coming to the conclusion that a question like this totally misses the point.  This question assumes that everyone's orientation fluidity is the same.  If we don't assume that everyone's orientation is the same, why should we assume that everyone's fluidity is the same?

I have an analogy that helps me think about orientation change, and I would like to know if you think this is a valid way of seeing it.

Imagine three boys from identical backgrounds.  One day, each of these boys is served asparagus at dinner.

The first boy -- let's call him Alvin -- tastes the asparagus and says, "Mmmmm!  Yum!"  He likes it, and continues to enjoy asparagus throughout his life.  (That's me, by the way.  I love asparagus.)

The second boy, Simon, tastes the asparagus and says, "Ewww gross!"  He doesn't like it at all.  However, over the course of the next few years, his mother continues to serve asparagus with meals every so often, and every time she does, he tries a little -- partly because she makes him and partly because everyone says it's good for him.  For a while he continues to hate it, but he finds over time that his tastes begin to evolve, and as an adult he is finally able to enjoy asparagus.

And finally the third boy, Theodore, tries his asparagus.  Like Simon, he says, "Ewww gross!" upon tasting it.  Theodore's mother also continues to serve it every so often, and Theodore continues to try it for the same reasons.  However, unlike Simon, Theodore just can't make himself like it, no matter how much he tries it.  Even as an adult he continues to try asparagus occasionally, hoping each time that he'll be able to enjoy it, but to no avail.  At 75 he hates asparagus just as much as he did when he was 7.

I imagine that everyone has had each of these experiences with various kinds of foods.  Some you like right away, some you learn to like, and some you just can't like no matter how hard you try.  We probably know more scientifically about taste than we do about sexual attraction, but I don't think any scientist could explain why these three otherwise similar boys would have such a different experience when it comes to asparagus.  Now look at the problems we have if we try to apply a single fluidity model to all three experiences.

Is asparagus orientation fixed or fluid?

If we say "fixed," we are saying that Simon was deceiving himself as a kid or that he's a liar (either when he says he really didn't like asparagus or else when he says he does like it now.)  This is not the case.

If we say "fluid," we are implying that Theodore would be able to like asparagus if he just tried hard enough or if he really wanted to.  This is also not the case.

If we say "everyone is really an asparagus-lover deep down inside," we are denying the experiences of both Simon and Theodore.

I think a more appropriate answer would be, "Different people experience different amounts of fluidity in their attempts to change their orientation towards asparagus.  At this point we don't know why this is."