Words of a Returning Christian

Testimony of a Saved Soul

If you came here looking for Tigerheart's Den, then please read on. This site has changed tremendously and I hope you will explore it. My life has been a wild ride and many of my choices were not the best ones to make. I met a few very spiritual people and many that were not. However, all of those choices finally led me to the Lord. I hope to share with you what I have gained from finding Jesus and inviting him into my heart. 

Testimony

When I was in high school I was blessed to have a sister that was active in the Young Life organization. She volunteered our house for the morning bible study before school due to our proximity to the school. Through that community and those that followed, I learned what it could mean to accept Jesus as my Lord and savior.

I tried to live for Jesus, though that was difficult for me. I’m not sure I even understood what it meant. I had very few friends at the time and the communities to which I belonged were built of high school students. We all know that high school students can be cliquish and if you’re not one of the “in crowd” no one listens to you. Or so I thought. I was better friends with the adults in our church and the ones that ran our Young Life community than with the students that were meant to be the recipients of the ministry. I did my best to obey the commandments and God’s Word, but I know I fell short.

In college I moved far away from home and sought out new Christian communities there. I found the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and joined their worship team. All that meant was that  I did a lot of singing and guitar playing for them. But in 1992 I faced a crisis of faith. I won’t get into the details, but suffice to say that I was almost killed. I experienced a crisis of faith at that moment. I prayed and prayed through the experience that God would deliver me from what was happening. But I did not see His answer to my prayer. I felt that he had turned his back on me. God handed me a test of faith and I failed that test. I turned my back on him and went deep into myself for a long time.

I had nightmares for months after that event. Terrifying nightmares from which I would wake up screaming. I would force myself to stay awake for days on end and refuse to sleep to avoid these nightmares. Sometime in Summer they stopped, but they returned every spring for years. I went to IVCF for help. I tried to find someone to help me through this crisis. I knew I couldn’t get through it on my own. But that community didn’t even see me anymore. No one saw that I needed their help and I ignored God’s direction to ask for it. So that community quickly became a closed one to me.

One of my friends recommended a group that might be able to help me overcome these nightmares. By this time I had been plagued by them for two years, from February through May each year. I followed another friend to this group and sure enough there was someone there that could help me. But there was a lot of other stuff going on. It was a pagan community that at best was offended by followers of Christ. By no means to I want to say that all pagan communities are like this, but this one did not like Christians. I went and became a regular member of this community over time. I never quite felt that I fit in well, but it was a place to go.

So I went to that community and then to another pagan community and then to another. Each one experienced strife and major differences of theology, as can be expected in some organizations that are based on absolute freedom of thought. They all asked me to lead eventually and I did. Most of them used revolving leadership, so those responsibilities came and went to various members. Each of these communities had a few things in common. Each one experienced a lot of stress and bickering. Each one taught me something that did help me grow. Each one eventually collapsed upon itself.

In 2007 the last of those communities came to a boiling point. This group I will not name, to protect the guilty. It was going through some typical growing pains when the group just seemed to split down the middle. A friend and I were caught in the middle-used by both sides to start a major fight. When my husband posted about this on the Internet, using their own words, they got angry. 

This organization began attacking my husband on the Internet, attacking each other, attacking me and my family. I tried to stand aside from the conflict because I didn’t think it was the right thing to participate in this wild flame war. But finally I had to step into the middle of it. I called them on their hatred and their hypocrisy. They were breaking their own rules, laws, guidelines and the vows they made to their own gods. I called them on it and they refused to hear. They laid a decision before me: be part of the community or my family. If I was going to stand up for my husband I had no place in their community.

Let me tell you, there was no question in my heart on that. I chose my family in less than a second and walked out on that community, never to step foot into it again.  They continued to try to attack my family, going so far as to get us kicked out of the UU church I had attended and been a member of for over 10 years. One of their members tried reporting my husband to the SBI for a crime he never committed. We called them and told them the truth and that was the quick end of that falseness. It was only then that I realized what had been going on in my life. I had been going down the wrong path for all those years. I  learned many things, and even met a few very genuine people, but the path was not for me. The voice I had been listening to had not been the voice of God.

In the Spring of 2007 I read a book that helped me turn back in the right direction. It pointed out to me that what I really needed in my life was Jesus’ teachings. His ministry of love was something I needed in my life. I heard him knocking on the door to my heart, but I wasn’t quite ready. As I heard that knock I told the Lord, “Not yet, Jesus, let me learn more about you first.” If only I had done that in that dark time in 1992! So I read the gospels, devotional books and devoured Christian books about finding Christ.

But one thing was missing for me to make a true commitment and that was a community. I needed a family that could hold me accountable, help me when I was falling, and call me on it when I’m straying. For three and a half years Jesus knocked every day and every day I put him off in favor of reading about Him instead of talking to Him.

Then one morning I had to make an early run to the grocery store. I needed milk and just felt that I needed to get it right away, along with some snacks. I was going to make cookies for a party later in the day, but God blessed me. Some lovely ladies were setting up baked goods outside the store for donations. I figured a cake already baked would be easier than making cookies, so I went over. I admit, my curiosity really pulled me over there. These ladies welcomed me with open arms, practically begging me to share my prayer concerns with them so that they, these strangers could pray for me. I could have asked for better health, healing from the surgery I was about to have, a better job for my husband, but the prayer request that popped out of my mouth before I could think was that I needed a church home.

Brothers and Sisters, I know that God put those words in my mouth that morning. I was invited on the spot to come to Union Grove Baptist Church. Now ten years ago I wouldn’t have been caught in a Baptist church for anything. That’s because I misunderstand the doctrine in my ignorance. But on the spot I told Dina that I would be there the next morning at church. And I meant it. My husband and children came later to the same store and also met these lovely ladies of the wonderful baking talents and they touched my family’s hearts too. We talked that night about the ladies at the store. Their hearts shone through when we met them. We both saw it. I was so excited to see this new community. Dina had told me how it was a "small country church" and family-oriented. 

Friends, I didn’t want to get up the next morning. I wanted to sleep in. Years of sleeping in on Sunday had formed quite a habit for me. But I had made a promise and I intended to keep it. I dragged myself out of bed, into the shower, and into some kind of presentable clothing. It was hard, but I felt myself drawn to that church. I can’t forget the smile on Dina’s face when she saw me walk in that morning. I knew I had found the community. There was the last piece of the puzzle for me. It was that moment, that day, that I opened the door that had been closed for so long.

Since then I have felt such joy as I haven’t felt since high school. For the only times in my life when I have been this joyful have been those times when I have been right with God, following Him and praying regularly. Only then can I be right with myself and Him. I just want to praise God for sending out that Guiding Star I needed to find the community that was waiting for me. 

Every week since then I have felt that joy grow in my heart. I know that will continue as long as I keep my eyes on God. I find myself bursting to share this with others, especially those who were also led astray as I was so long ago. I now ask God regularly to help me cast away my fear and trust in him. For only through Him can I share this news with others. He is my strength and he can be yours, too.

If you are in the same situation I was in, take the time to learn more about Jesus. He is our Savior and he is always there. You are never alone if you let him into your heart.