The fairies came,
the fairies came,
the fairies came that night.
The fairies came (into his room.)
Worked on a barge in Ontario.
The captain was a slimy fucking drunk.
We hit a reef, and it was scary-o;
the oil all leaked out, and then we sunk.
(chorus)(...and drove us home)
I met a girl on the ferry boat.
She had wings, and gold dust in her teeth.
Then I reached down and felt her magic wand,
and I realized that he was just like me!
(chorus)(...to be my best friend Carl)
Walked on a bridge, walked on a bridge. Oh where's my bridge?
I got a job at a fast food joint;
I sold Coke and straws by the pound.
My fairy godmother laughed at me,
and she kicked my sorry ass right out of town.
(chorus)She kicked my ass,
she kicked my ass,
she kicked my sorry ass.
She kicked my ass right out of town.
(repeat verse one & chorus)
I fear every time when the government calls,
I'm absent hiding in my closet.
I feel like a news correspondent.
Got lockjaw, can't tell you that I love you.
Got lockjaw can't tell you that I love you.
I stand in the mirror and I pull my hair out.
I can't control my thoughts.
I wonder why my eyes are dry as a desert;
my stomach's tied in knots.
I'm like a freak show sitting on a sidewalk,
my outline drawn in chalk.
I freeze every time I hear the phone ring.
I'll never hear you knock.
I'll never open up. I'm never coming out and-
(chorus)
I thumb through magazines to garner love facts.
Cosmo's got seven tips.
I pick up the phone and I try to call you-
No words just frozen lips.
I send a message, but you know it's always cryptic-
no sound on my TV.
I'm the boy in the bubble and you
can't touch me.
I'll never open up. I'm never coming out and-
(chorus)
John was living in Ocean Beach California
with his girfriend Julie when he decided one day, "Hey Jule... Let's
move up north; to Northern California, where the air is clear, the skies
are blue, and they have more traditional family values.Whadd'ya say, Jule?"
So they loaded up their car and they moved up north to the Santa Cruz
mountains near the Byantine winery into a one bedroom trailer behind the
bowling alley-two blocks from the supermarket, and one more block
to the south-
OF DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S
AUTOMOTIVE.
John applied for a job at Dick's Automotive, and Dick came to the door
and he said, "Tell me, Johnny boy, can you rotate the tires on a '72 Subaru?"
He said, "No."
"Well then can you change the oil in a '76 Pinto?" He said, "No."
"Well, can you rebuild a Holly 4-barrel carbuerator on a '69 Camaro
with a big-old Hearse shift rod?" He said, "Uh, no."
"Well do you have a girfriend with long, red, curly hair, creamy milk-white
thighs, big full lips, biceps like Henry Rollings, and can she just scream
like a hyena in the summer?" And he said, "Yes!"
and Dick said, "Boy, then you're hired-
AT DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S
AUTOMOTIVE.
John studied real, real hard. He learned how to rotate the tires on
a '72 Subaru. He learned how to change the oil in ALL the Pintos, and he
learned how to rebuild that Holly 4-barrel carbuerator on a '69 Camaro.
But much, much more that that. He learned how to make love with his
girfriend Julie like a REAL man ought to.
And Dick gave him his service stripes, and he said,"There's a little
old lady and her car's broken down up near the Byantine winery. You gotta
help her, man. Go Sheba, Go!" So he sent him on his way.
And about that time, Dick glued back in his dentures, glued back on
his toupee, stood in front of the mirror, and said, "I FEEL SEXY! I wonder
what Julie's doing all alone in that trailer. I'll bet she's having trouble
opening up a can of peaches right now. I'll bring along my blowtorch just
to see if she needs help."
So he hiked the block down the road to the one-bedroom trailer behind
the bowling alley, and he knocked on the door. Julie answered the door,
and she said, "Oh! Hello, Dick! I was just having trouble opening up a
can of peaches... Come on in."
So he started up the blowtorch, and all the peach juice ran down his
veins, and he poured it into the Tupperware that Julie used to sell in
ocean beach, and he said,
"We're going on a picnic. We're going on a picnic. We're going on a
picnic. We're going on a picnic. We're going on a picnic. We're going on
a picnic. We're going on a picnic. We're going on a picnic."
So he loaded Julie into his '57 Chevey and he drove her up right near
the winery. Into the middle of the forest he took her. And he tied her
up to a tree and cut half of her top down. And he said, "Stick out your
tongue."
And he put on 42 1/2 tabs of brown acid that he still had from his
Woodstock days. Sprinkled a little Peyote on her tongue just for good measure.
She saw all kinds of colors: lemon yellow, orange orange, cherry red, kaliedescope
eyes. The world was on fire.
And about that time, there was a mommy deer walking through the forest
with her baby deer. And Dick cut down Julie's arm, and he poured in some
granola, and he mixed it up with strictnine poisoning and he said, "Oh,
come here little deer! I have some food for you. Look at Julie."
And the Mommy deer said, "Oh! I'd better eat it first, because it could
be poisonous, and my heart is much stronger than yours, child." (but really
the mommy deer was just a glutton and wanted all the food) And the mommy
deer stuck her little mommy snout into Julie's palm. And it licked it.
mmmm. mmmmm. And it said, "Oh go ahead, eat some!"
But the mommy's heart was stronger, and when the baby deer stuck her
tongue into the palm of Julie's hand, and licked, IT DIED! (flep-shoobie-doo-wa-down)
And the mommy deer died shortly thereafter! (zippity doo-wa out on
the grund.)
And Dick cut Julie down from the tree, and he looked at the dead deer
at his feet, and he grabbed her around the neck, and he pushed his tongue
right down her mouth, and he sais, "Wow! NATURE' SO BITCHIN'!"
AT DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, AT DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, AT DICK'S AUTOMTIVE, AT
DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE.
About that time, John was driving back down the road feeling really
good about helping that little old lady out. And he saw Dick's '57 Chevy
parked on the side of the road. And he said, "Wow! He could be in trouble.
I'd better bring along a chainsaw, a blowtorch, and an icepick just to
see if he needs help."
Then he said, "Whoa, that looks like the afghan sweater that Julie's
grandmother knitted us last summer in Ocean Beach. What's Julie doing here?"
And he hiked through the forest. And he saw the love of his life on
a dirty brown piece of burbur carpet, Dick's dentures on the ground chattering,
his toupee being carried off by the squirrels and cockroaches.
And he saw red, and he started up a blowtorch, and he welded their
bodies together. Took an icepick out of a sacred manila envelope. Stabbed
'em 57 times. Then he started up the chainsaw. He cut off Dick's ankle
and put his foot right in his mouth, and said, "Looks like you put your
foot in your mouth one last time, Dicky Boy!"
Then he looked at the dead deer at their feet, picked 'em up, and gave
the mommy deer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. But to no avail.
The mommy deer was dead.
Then he gave the baby deer mouth to mouth resuscitation.
And the baby deer came back to life!
Charles Bronson had tears in his eyes, I guess 'cause nature had been
vindicated. David Koresh was sellin' barbequed ribs on the side.
And the mommy deer still was dead! And he said,
"Mommy deer, DEAD! Baby deer, ALIVE!
Mommy deer, DEAD! Baby deer, ALIVE!
Mommy deer, DEAD! Baby deer, ALIVE!
Mommy deer, DEAD! Baby deer, ALIVE!"
AT DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S AUTOMOTIVE, DICK'S
AUTOMOTIVE...
When the weather man said he couldn't grant us a reprieve,
you were gettin' on my nerves, and I wanted you to leave.
Well you test me every day, you're like a bug up my nose.
I swear I'm gonna leave you, but you keep me on my toes,
on my toes. Let me hold you.
Well you're the one for me.I can't leave you.
You nasty little bitch I ain't ever gonna free ya.
With the lipstick and the passion and the power and the blood,
I'm gonna keep you as my hostage in this neverending flood, in this
flood.
If it rings and it's your mother, then I'll fill it full of buckshot.
If the sun comes up tomorrow, then I guess I'll take your cuffs off.
When you wiggle from the pain, I like the way you twist your spine.
It's special moments like these that let me know that you're mine.
I know you're mine. Let me hold ya
(chorus)
My love is like a fire, I guess you'd call it two-fisted.
Some people say I'm sick. They don't understand I'm twisted.
Don't let the bruises scare your friends. We can cover them with make-up.
You know I'll always love you. You'll always be my buttercup,
you'll be my buttercup. Let me hold ya.
(chorus)
Skyfuckingline of Toronto!
Skyfuckingline of Toronto!
I need a big old vodka Clamato.
We'll watch the skyfuckingline of Toronto.
You can come along with me if you want to.
We'll watch the skyfuckingline of Toronto
I've got a sister named Jake who thinks she's a man;
shaves half a leg, got a half a suntan,
sell peanuts and Cokes for the Jays in the stands
on the weekends collecting aluminum cans.
She says come along with me if you want to.
We'll watch the skyfuckingline of Toronto.