DENIAL
Denial is the psychological process by which we protect ourselves from things which threaten us by blocking knowledge of those things from our awareness. It is a defense which distorts reality, it keeps us from feeling the pain and uncomfortable truth about things we do not want to face. If we cannot feel or see the consequences of our actions, then everything is fine and we can continue to live without making any changes.
Denial comes in many forms. It is not just for chemical dependents either. If we are human, we have denial about something--our relationships, our behavior, our health, our family. We all want everything to "be fine." We have denial to keep us from pain.
For us who are chemically dependent, to keep our denial is to die. In the process, we create pain for those around us, and we have denial about that too. To recover, we need to see our denial and see how it works so that we can loosen the grip of our addictions. Denial is replaced by truth and acceptance. To be in denial feels like anger, fear, shame, and isolation. Instead of being cold and cut off from ourselves and others, we can be warm and begin to grow again
.Defenses are the specific way we ward off attacks on our denial. Some defenses are conscious and we are aware of them. Others are subconscious. We use both to keep our denial intact. Listed below are common defenses, or denial. We use all forms of denial, although there are some that become our favorites.
SIMPLE DENIAL
Simply denying being chemically dependent. "You're an alcoholic." "No, I'm not"
MINIMIZING
Minimizing is admitting the alcohol related problem to some degree but in such a way that it appears to be much less serious than it actually is. "I wasn't that bad at the party." "Yes, I drink, but not that much." "I had a couple but I was OK to drive." "I only drink beer, not the hard stuff so it's not that bad."
RATIONALIZILNG
Rationalizing is making excuses or giving reasons to justify our behavior about our drinking or using, " I can't sleep, so I drink." I had a hard day and was upset," " I usually don't drive after 1 drink but a friend needed a ride home. The behavior is not denied but an inaccurate explanation of its cause is given.
INTELLECTUALIZILNG
Intellectualizing is avoiding emotional, personal awareness of our alcohol related problem by using theories about our chemical dependency, keeping it general and vague. "Are those breath machines really reliable? Just the other day I was reading about problems with them." "Lots of people have wine with meals, are the alcoholics?" "My family is alcoholic and I have the wrong genes." These are examples of our intellectualizing.
BLAMING
Blaming is maintaining that the responsibility for our behavior lies somewhere else, not with us. "You would drink too, if you were married to my wife." "The police are out to get me." "I lost my job." That is what made me drink. Our behavior is not denied, but its cause is placed out there not and not on us.
DIVERSION
Diversion is changing the subject to avoid a subject that is felt to be threatening to us. An example is responding with a joke. "You wouldn't expect me to walk in that condition, would you?" "Yeah, I got drunk last night, so what's for dinner?" "My drinking bothers you? Your weight bothers me!"
BARGAINING
Bargaining is cutting deals or setting conditions for when things will be right to deal with our problem. "I'll quit drinking if you quit smoking." "I'll quit when there is less stress at work,"
PASSIVITY
Passivity is ignoring the situation, or being it's victim. "I've tried to quit before, but it's stronger than me." "There's nothing I can do." "If only I had more will power."
HOSTILITY
Hostility occurs when we become angry or unpleasantly irritable when the subject of our drinking or using is mentioned, scaring or threatening people away from discussing it. A classic example is the situation where we assert that our wife does not mention that we drink to much. In fact she used to mention it, but hasn't for years because every time she mentioned it in the past I got angry and we had a fight. She doesn't mention it any more. "I'm lousy in bed when I'm drunk? Fine, no more sex for you." "Get off my back!" "You like my paychecks, don't you?"
Denial is automatic; it is not usually a matter of deliberate lying or willful deception. Most of us do not know what is true or false concerning our drinking and its consequences. We are blinded to the fact that our view of the situation does not conform to reality. The denial system distorts our perception and impairs our judgment so we become self-deluded and incapable of accurate self-awareness.
Denial is progressive. The denial system becomes increasingly more pervasive and entrenched as the illness of chemical dependency progresses. In the very early stages it is minimal and with encouragement, we can usually view our problem fairly realistically. However, buy the time our illness is sufficiently advanced that our problem appears serious in the eyes of others, an elaborate system of defenses shields us from seeing what is really happening.
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