UNC Jokes

UNC just announced they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.

Four UNC athletes are riding in a car. Who's driving? The Sherriff.

UNC just adopted a new Honor system: Yes, your Honor... No your Honor.

Hark... the signs of spring... The birds are chirping... the flowers are blooming... and the Tarheels are choking...

Duke students have trouble spelling Krzyzewski. UNC students have trouble spelling Smith.

What does UNC stand for? University with No Coaches. Under Nike'$ Control. Underachievers of North Carolina.

New Tarheel sports logo: UNikeC.

New school name for the Heels: UNC-N (UNC-Nike).

What do you get when you cross a Tarheel with a groundhog? Six more weeks of bad football.

What's the difference between Tarheel football and frosted flakes? Frosted flakes know what to do in a bowl.

Why doesn't the UNC football program have a web site? They can't put three w's back-to-back.

How do you keep a tarheel football player out of your backyard? Put up a goal post.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Larry Shyatt (New Clemson Head Coach) spoke to the Greenville Clemson Club in 1996 and reportedly told this joke:

"When I came to work for Coach Barnes I pledged that I would go to hell and back if that is what it takes to get a recruit. Sure enough, last week I found myself in hell.

"While I was down there, I met up with Bobby Cremins, who was handcuffed to the ugliest woman I had ever seen in my life. I said: 'Bobby, what are you doing down here, and what are you doing with her?' He said: 'Well I committed a sin. I found myself a little short on money, so I cheated on my taxes. As punishment, I have to spend eternity down here with her.' I told him I felt bad for him and moved on.

"I then ran into Mike Krzyzewski, who was with an even uglier woman. I said: 'Coach K , what's going on why are you here, and with her?' He said: 'Larry, I never told anyone this, but I really cheated on my taxes. Now I'm here for eternity handcuffed to her.' I shook my head and walked on.

"Who did I see next but Dean Smith, who was handcuffed to Cindy Crawford. I said: 'Dean. You stud. How did you end up here with her?' He said: 'I really don't know, but Cindy said something about her taxes.'"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recently, a Tarheel football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Fortunately for him, the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.

Why don't they have Christmas in Chapel Hill? Because SAE stole it.

Why don't they have Christmas in Chapel Hill? They can't find a virgin and three wise men.

How do they separate the men from the boys at UNC? With a crowbar.

A severe storm rumbled through Chapel Hill last week and destroyed the entire town: $10 worth of damage was reported.

Why is it so windy in Durham? Because Chapel Hill sucks.

What's the first thing a Carolina girl does when she wakes up in the morning? Walks home.

Did you hear that the UNC basketball coach is dressing only 7 players for the tournament? The rest can dress themselves.

Bumper sticker: Teach a child the ABCs.... Anybody But Carolina...

New at toy stores everywhere: the Mack Brown Barbie... Pull the string and it whines in the voice of Mr. Haney from Green Acres.

Why don't UNC students duck hunt? They can't throw the dogs high enough.

What do you get when you put 32 UNC cheerleaders in the same room? A full set of teeth.

What does a Carolina graduate say to a graduate of any other ACC school? Would you like fries to go with that?

The only good thing that ever came out of Chapel Hill was Highway 54 to Raleigh.

What is the difference between a UNC fan and a three-week-old puppy? Eventually the puppy will stop whining.

How many UNC frat boys does it take to change a tire? Four. One to call Daddy and three to get the beer.

What is blue and white, 100 yards long, and has two front teeth? The front row at Kenan Stadium.

What do you call 30 Carolina students in a basement? A whine cellar.

Did you hear about the State student who transferred to UNC? The average IQ of both schools improved.

Most effective UNC freshman orientation film: Dumb and Dumber.

What does a Carolina student call a Duke student after graduation? Boss.

What is the only sign of intelligent life in Chapel Hill? Raleigh - 25 miles

Why did God make the sky Carolina blue? So we wouldn't have to step in it.

Why are they planning to resurface Kenan Stadium with cardboard? Because the Tarheels always play better on paper.

Bumper sticker: Carolina Fever is a social disease.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a Carolina graduate? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Carolina joke. "Listen buddy," the bartender growled, "see those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Carolina football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Carolina. That guy in the corner was Carolina's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Carolina. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

What's the difference between the Dean Dome and a porcupine? The porcupine has 21,000 pricks on the OUTside.

Why do birds fly upside down over Chapel Hill? Because there's nothing worth firing on.

There once was a UNC student who had been in school for many, many years. Finally, the dean told him that at the next UNC home football game he would ask him a question and if he answered it correctly he would graduate automatically. So at halftime they took the student up to the public address system. The dean said, "Here is your question: What is 2+2?" The student pondered for a long time and finally said, "4!". At that instant the entire stadium erupted, yelling "BOOOOO! Give him another chance!!"
Why do Carolina graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles? So they can park in handicap spaces.

A Duke student, an NCSU student, and a Carolina student are walking along the beach and come across a lantern. One of the students picks it up, and a Genie pops out. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Blue Devil says, "I am studying to be a doctor. My father was a doctor, and my son will also be a doctor. I want a nice doctor's office so I can treat all the people in the area. With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM', the doctor's building appeared with all the latest medical technology. The Carolina student was amazed, and so he said, "Our town is a wonderful town, the best town in the world. I want a wall around Chapel Hill so that no one else can come into our precious city." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF', there was a huge wall around Chapel Hill. The NCSU student asks the Genie: "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out. Now, what is your wish?" The NCSU student says, "Fill it up with water."
New UNC Tarheel highlight film: Silence of the Lambs.

Why can't they have Astroturf at Kenan Stadium? Because the Tarheel cheerleaders wouldn't have anywhere to graze.

Red and white bumper sticker: Better ag than fag.

A Carolina grad showed up at the emergency room one autumn day with a back injury. The doctor asked him what he was doing to incur such an injury. The man responded that he was raking leaves and fell out of the tree.

OJ Simpson should have taken Al Cowling's advice and fled to Chapel Hill. No one would have thought to look for a football player there.

How many Carolina football players does it take to change a light bulb? Just two, but they each get three hours credit.

Two guys from UNC are measuring a telephone pole. One guy is holding it up and the other is trying to run the tape up it. Two NC State students drive by, stop, and say, "Why don't you lay the pole down and it will be easier to measure?" The UNC students lay the pole down and begin measuring. As soon as the NC State guys drive off, one of the UNC students says to the other, "Get that thing back up. I wanted to measure the height, not the length."

How many Carolina fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The world revolves around them.

How many UNC students does it take to change a light bulb? All of 'em. Three to get it in, 10 to hang the banner, and the rest to brag about it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A high school student was applying to colleges and decided to visit Wake Forest. During the interview, the Wake admissions officer asked the prospect, "Are you a Baptist?". The student replied, "No." The admissions officer and the student continued, "Was your Daddy a Baptist?". "No". "Was your Granddaddy a Baptist?". "No." The admissions officer finally said, "Well, I'm sorry but you can't come to Wake." Dejected, the student went to visit Duke. Eventually, the Duke admissions officer asks, "Are you from New Jersey?" The student answers, "No." The questioning followed the same course as the interview at Wake and concludes with "Well, I'm sorry, but you just can't come to Duke." Finally, the student visits NC State. As the interview winds down, the admissions officer asks the student, "Are you a farmer... Was your Daddy a farmer? Was your Granddaddy a farmer?" The student irritatingly answers "No" to each question and finally exclaims in frustration, "Well, I'm a son of a bitch!" State's admission officer smiles in affirmation and says, "Well, why didn't you say so? Carolina is just 25 miles that way!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a UNC grad off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Carolina grad: You know what the N stands for in UNC? Carolina grad: Knowledge.

Did you hear that after last season Dean Smith called the team together and asked them to be pallbearers when he died? Yeah, he wanted them to let him down one last time.

Explaining his objection to a North Carolina Zoological Park in Asheboro, Senator Helms said, "We don't need to spend that kind of money for a zoo in North Carolina -- all we have to do is put a fence around Chapel Hill!"

The ACC is a tough conference. Who does the UNC men's basketball team fear the most? Immigration.

Remember... friends don't let friends go to Carolina....

And finally.... Don't be a Tarhole! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------