WARNING: IT IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU PUT DOWN THE BEER CAN AND THE SHOTGUN BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER
Yaa might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if.......
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks. Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization. Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money. Ya've ever been too drunk to chat. Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie. Ya think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan. Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea. Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls. Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds. Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL. Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard. Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin. Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote. Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard. Ya play Frisbee with yer CD ROM's Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'. When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun. Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks. Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder. Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail. When ya tern yer computer on ya say "Come OOOOOOON Betsy." Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat. Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup. Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is. Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid. Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang. Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net. Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live. Ya give Derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn. Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer." Ya wait fer the blue light special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter. Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun. Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order. Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear. Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung. Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous" Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free" Ya Think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes. Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears. Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady. Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there super hero on the cartoons. Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy. Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars. Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list. Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup. Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft. Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it. Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape. Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer. You's in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply "My momma" You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders. ---------- Red Neck's Guide to Computer Lingo
Log On:.... Makin' the wood stove hotter.Log Off:.... Don't add no wood. Monitor:.... Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. Download:.... Gettin' the firewood off the pickup. Mega Hertz:.... When yer not careful down loadin'. Floppy Disk:.... Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood. Ram:.... The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood. Hard Drive:.... Getting' home in the winter season. Prompt:.... What you wish the mail was in the winter. Windows:.... What to shut when it's below 15 below. Screen:.... What 'cha need for the black fly season. Byte:.... That's what the flies do. Chip:.... What to munch on. Micro Chip:.... What's left in the bottom of the bag. Infrared:.... Where the left-overs go when Fred's around. Modem:.... What 'cha did to the hay fields. Dot Matrix:.... Farmer Matrix's wife. Lap Top:.... Where little kids feel comfy. Keyboard:.... Where ya hang your keys. Software:.... Them plastic eatin' utensils. Mouse:.... Whats eats the horses grain. Main Frame:.... Hold up the barn roof. Port:.... Fancy wine. Enter:.... C'mon in. Random Access Memory:.... You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Benign............What you be after you be eight.Artery...........The study of paintings.
Bacteria........Back door to cafetria.
Barium........What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..........Searching for kitty.
Cauterize........Made eye contact with her.
Colic................A sheep dog.
Coma.........A punctuation mark.
D&C.......Where Washington is.
Dilate............To live long.
Enema...........Not a friend.
Fester.........Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........A small lie.
Genital.........Non-Jewish peron.
G.I.Series............World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..........Distinquished, well known.
Labor Pain.........Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..........A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.
Nodes..........I knew it.
Outpatient............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis..............Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........Damn near killed him.
Secretion........Hiding something.
Seizure.........Roman emperor.
Tablet..........A small table.
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor............More than one.
Urine.......Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.........Near by/close by.
Email: amber_1001@hotmail.com