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My Journal




I really don't know why I am starting this Journal. I guess I think it will ease my problems just a little bit. But I think the main reason is to let you guys know whats going on in my life. If you have any pointers or comments, please send them to me. You may not want to read some of the things I put in here. But oh well, They are going to be in here anyways.

*~Enjoy~*

July 6, 1999

For some reason last night was the hardest time I've had since me and Jason broke up. I don't know why. I cried all night long, holding his things. Maybe it was because Cassie wasn't here to talk to me about it. I dunno, everything is just easier when you have someone to talk to. And she's just about the only one I have. Nobody else seems to want to listen to me. Anyways... It's been six months since me and Jason broke up and it feels like the first night. And the thing is, He won't talk to me. We dated for a year and a half and he acts like he doesn't even know me. It would be so much easier to be pissed at him that it is to love him with all of my heart and soul and not have that love even halfway returned. But I can't hate him, I love him too much for that. My heart is gone, and I have no idea where it is. Maybe he has it, maybe Eddie has it, or maybe even Jay. who knows, I sure don't. Eddie is a guy that I have been dating for a few weeks now. I really like him. He's really sweet and good looking. But for some odd reason I keep comparing him to Jason. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Maybe he can help me find my heart. If not, I don't know what I'm going to do.


July 8, 1999

Today I went to see Jason at work, He wasn't there. Too bad, I was really looking forward to seeing him. Oh well, can't alawys have what we want. I'm going swimming this afternoon with some friends that I havn't seen in a while. That should be fun. I really wish that he could go. I want to be able to talk to him as much as possible before Monday. I'm going to make a dedication to him tonight, I don't know if he will hear it or not though. For some reason I can't tell him how I feel about him face to face. But hopefully sooner or later he will get the idea.


July 25, 1999

It's been a while since I last wrote. And alot of things have happened that have really pissed me off. I called Jason's house and his sister said he had went to prison for a while. Two days later I called and he answered the phone. That calls for an ass beating, telling me a lie about the only love of my life. But I can't do that since she is his sister. The guy, Eddie, that I was dating cheated on me and tried to cover up. He broke up with me because he "was moving to another state with his dad." Funny thing, the next day he said he didn't have to leave. And about 3 days before that one of my close friends said they seen him out with another girl. Well, now I'm back with Wilson. Again. I don't know if I will ever learn to stay away from him. All he has done is break my heart. I know that. But I'm lonely and starving for some sort of attention. I'm not getting it from my friends, parents, nobody. I have to go somewhere else for it.


August 6, 1999

Well the whole thing with me and Wilson lasted a whole week, thats something to really be proud of. I'm sick as a damn dog. It feels like I have some fat lady sitting on my chest. Not a good feeling. I gave up on this whole dating thing. I'll talk to a bunch of guys at once till I chose otherwise. Dating just gets your heart into more trouble than it's worth. Well I'm gonna go take a shower, drink a bottle of Nyquil and fall asleep... And if anyone dares to wake me in the morning. I'll bite their head off. See ya.


August 15, 1999

Friday night was the most amazing night of my life. I spent it under the stars with the one person that I love. And for some reason he doesnt see how I feel about him. I mean, If it came down to it, I would die for him. I felt like I could rule the world. It made me so happy just to be able to see him. He told me he loved me, I don't know if he was telling the truth or not, but if he doesn't, he's faking it pretty damn good. He is the type of person who I could spend the rest of my life with and not think twice about it. I love him so much. I would do anything for him, he knows that. I would give anything in th world for him to be mine again, but I've known for a while that that isn't going to happen. I want him, and I dont know what he wants. I'm chasing hopeless dreams.

Though my heart may sit in darkness,

It will rise in perfect light.

I have loved the stars too fondly,

To be fearful of the night.

That poem has a whole new meaning to me now.


November 27, 1999

Wow, It's been bloody ages since I have wrote in this thing. But I need to get some things out. Jason tried to commit suicide last week. I think he is doing it for attention but I am so afraid that he is going to succeed one of these days.

I hate people who change b/f's and g/f's like they change their underwear but for some reason lately, i can't keep one. Me and Jason only dated for a month. I ahte it, But there is nothing I can really do about it. He doesn't want me anymore.

"When You love someone, they become your life. And when they don't want to be part of your life anymore, You have to let them go. In order to do that you have to love them more than ever."~ Danielle Icard

Now I am dating Allan, We have dated once and have been friends for the past 3 years. Thats a long time, for me anyways. My father said, "He's too old for you" Well you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. He can kiss my ass. He is the one and only person who has really stuck with me(even though most of the time I was an ass to him). And I really like him. I don't care what anyone says.

Lately I have been really depressed, I don't know why. I just am. We went out to a club last night and everyone was having tons of fun. Everyone except me. I just sat down and watched everyone. I tried to have fun with them, but it didn't work. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.


December 13, 1999

WOW!Me and Allan are dating. So far, He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have been friends for 3 years and we are finally together again. I couldn't be happier. He is the first guy that I have ever really felt wanted by. He makes me feel so special. He means the world to me. I just wish I could have realized sooner the way he felt about me. Saturday we went out and i had the best time. Thank you so much Sweetheart. He took me to this place were you could see the whole city, and the sky was clear so you could see every star in it. It was so beautiful. I seen my first shooting star while I was with him. It was so sweet. It was a night that I will never forget.


June 13th 2000

Lots of new stuff... Allan and I have been dating for almost 7 months now. It has been great. I love him so much. I am so glad that we got back together. Though I am a little worried. The past few days he hasn't seemed too happy to see me. He has seemed a little distant. I don't know why... maybe its just me. Maybe not... I don't know... but I wish I did. I think he has been thinking alot about his ex lately. Which is fine... I think about Jason sometimes... but not the way that I used to. But, he just needs to let her go. I know that they were enganged and all but still... that makes me feel like shit knowing that I don't compare to her(looks and otherwise). I was looking at his yearbook yesterday... I miss his hair. I love long hair.

Yesterday while were out I slapped him... I didn't mean to, It was just an impulse because he called me white trash. I know he was picking but it hurt. Not as bad as when he picks on me about the way I look but it still hurts. I could pick back with him about the way he looks among other things but I'm not that big of a bitch. He just needs to learn that he can't pick on someone about a sensitive subject like looks. That really makes someone feel unattractive and unwanted even if they are just picking.

I really love him, I would die without him. He means the world to me and I would spend the rest of my life with him if I could, but something needs to give. I need to know whats going through his little head.


June 28, 2000

I don't know whats going on. I don't know what I'm going to do. I love him so much and he just keeps putting me off. He needs to get his shit straight. He tells me one thing and goes and does another. He told me he would pick me up tonight and he never came because he decided he wanted to get drunk so Tyler had to take me home. He told me the other night that he would stay for a while and he couldn't he made plans. Which is understandable... and he didn't even do what he had planned. Don't get me wrong, I do trust him but about a week ago some girl called and told me he was cheating on me with her. I don't want to believe it but everything is pointing in that direction. I know that I stand a chance of losing him by putting this in here and that is the last thing that I want to do, but I need to know what to do. He's just not as nice to me as he used to be. He was a perfect angel to me when we first started going out. He used to hold me and and thats something that I love. Just being held by the person that you love gives you this indescribable feeling, and now I'm lucky if he holds my hand. I just wish I knew what is going on. Tonite after I got home from work I called him and before we hung up he didn't even tell me that he loved me. I love him more than life its self and I want to be with him. I just need to know what to do.

:*{


July 2, 2000

I just got back from the METALLICA concert and I had the best fucking time of my life. We were touching the berricades just under the speaker tower in the right side of the stage and guess what... I CAUGHT A PICK THAT KIRK THREW DOWN!!!! I swear at that moment I could have had an orgasm. I was so excited. I've got that sucker in a frame and Im protecting it with my life. I colored my hair Dark blue for the concert and now I have to bleach it back blonde for work. That'll be a bitch. "METAL UP YOUR ASS!!!"


July 9, 2000

Have you ever had one of those days that you just wanted to sit in a dark corner and just cry until you can't cry anymore? Today is that day. Nothing big has really happened. It's just the smallest things that add up and then you snap. Then you think to yourself, "If I could just cry for two hours, just long enough to get it all out... It will all just go away, never to be seen again... just two hours." I don't know whats wrong. I have just been so depressed lately. I don't know what to do to get over it. I want to crawl under a huge rock and just hide... from everything.

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