All of my life I have been around animals. I was raised on a farm. Throught the years, my most favorable animal to be near turned out to be a cat. A cat has so much love to give to you. Never asking for anything in return, except to be loved by you. A cat will sit and listen to your problems for hours and never critise what you do or say. Their love is unconditional. My whole life I have worked with animals in some way or another. Pet sales an ambulance driver for the S.P.C.A. I also worked in an emergency room for injured animals.

In 1980 my husband joined the army at Ft.Bragg, N.C. So we moved from a small rural area in Nebraska to North Carolina. It was so far from home, but having my cats around helped, to ease being gone from my family. We eventually moved to the country, so we could start raising a few animals. One of the cats that I had was named Little Bit. One night I was out walking the fence line and I heard her crying in the bushes. I picked her up she was no bigger than the palm of my hand and carried her home. Thats how she got her name. I snuggled her little body into my coat, and she started purring as I walked home.

As she grew she turned out to be a remarkable cat. If anything was wrong in the house at night she would come into the bedroom and cry and wake me. Late one night the fuel and the pilot light on our heating stove quit, Little Bit woke me up then cried until I followed her to the stove. I was so amazed to see that she was smart enough to come and wake me up. Other nights became the same, if something was wrong she came crying and waking me up to look. On one night, my son had snuck out of the house, when he left he didn't shut the door tight. Of course Little Bit knew this wasn't right so came right in to warn me. After that night, my son called her a little tattle tale, which she was. Sometimes my husband would just look at her wrong and she would come running and crying to me. When I asked her what was wrong she would go to where my husband was and look at him. She was so funny at times, but such a tattle tale. When a storm would come you never saw her, for some reason she was terrified of storms. So on stormy nights she hid real good till the storm was over.

All of my cats have a great personallity, but hers was extrodinary. One day I noticed that the cats seemed to be losing weight, they were all eating normally but they seemed to be losing weight. I thought maybe it's worms. But rather than taking any chances I carried one to the vet. Our vet drew some blood, asked alot of questions, then examined the cat. Do they cough or sneeze she asked. I said yes as winter was setting in and I thought they might be catching colds. After awhile she left us and went to the lab. Upon returning I noticed the look in her eyes was different than before. It was scary. I had no idea what I was in for. As she told me the results, I stood frozen and couldn't move what I was hearing was impossible I thought. She told me my cats were suffering from a disease just like the aids virus in humans. I had vaccinated them all regularly but somehow, someway they got the virus. She told me how it would eventually take their lives in a slow and very painful death. I listened for everything she could tell me about this hidious disease. Then I had to go home to decide what to do next. No question about it, I knew what was going to have to be done. I couldn't let them die a horrible death. I knew they would have to be put to sleep. This horrible virus had no cure, only death with it.

The vet told me that even after having them put to sleep I would have to have the whole house disinfected with bleach from top to bottom. This would be the only way to kill the germs laying around after they were gone. Then I would have to wait at least 4 months to get another cat as the virus needed time to be killed off from the house. Scrubbing down the house was the least of my worry's.I wondered how I was going to cope with this decision I had to make. I have had a cat beside me for as long as I can remember. Sleeping with me, sharing my daily life, lying beside me in the bed curled in my arms at night. Even annoying me as I try to cook a meal. Four months would seem like 4 years to me. My mind raced as I wondered if I would even be able to sleep at nights after they were gone. They were my security blanket I guess you could say.

The time was drawing neared as I could see they were coughing more, losing weight, and just not as lively as before. I needed a week to try to come to some kind of terms with what i was doing. I also wanted to spoil each and every one of these darlings before they had to go. I fed them their favorite foods, played with them, loved on them constantly. Oddly enought though the time was near to have them put down. My two sons had to take them to the vet for me, I just couldn't watch this being done to them. My daughter in law stayed with me that day. As the boys loaded the last cat into the car, I broke down and collasped onto the ground crying uncontrollably. My whole body shaking. I had a lump in my throat and stomach the size of a football. Even thought I tried telling myself that I was doing the right thing for them, by not letting them suffer, I was torn apart inside as I felt as though i was murdering them. I was not god, here I was deciding there destiniy. I thought would I want someone to do this to me? Could they ever forgive me for what I was doing to them. So here I had sentenced them to there death not sure that I had made the right desicion. I may never know if I made the right decision. But it is something that I will now have to live with and try to cope with for the rest of my life. That night when the rest of my family came home from work they were upset to hear what had been done that day. They had no idea what was going on inside of me, the war I was fighting with myself.

Days went by, I sat in a chair crying nonstop. I wasn't able to eat or sleep at night. Who was going to help me through my suffering and loss. No one. It was something I had to get through on my own. Mornings I would drag myself out of the bed, drink some coffee, cry awhile, at times I couldn't even think clearly. I wondered would the pain ever go away. I was having my doubts. I had lost my mother a year before this from cancer, but for some reason this was hurting me more deeply than when she died. Maybe because we knew she was dying long before it happened. This was so sudden so unexpected. I asked god one night if this was wrong for me to grieve more over these little animals than to grieve for my mother. I never got an answer. Maybe it wasn't normal, I don't know. All I knew was that it hurt so bad, I couldn't stop hurting inside.

Crazy as this may sound the second week into my grieveing, I acually thought I would be better off if I were to die with them, I thought then we could be together again. My daughter in law got scared and called the family Dr. who perscribed some pills for me. During the next few weeks the pain easied slightly. I still cried every time I thought about my cats. So for the next few weeks, I spent them cleaning my house from top to bottom with bleach. So that when the time came I could get another cat.

Months had went by and looking through the paper one day, I found an add for a free persian cat. I called and went to pick him up. His name is Rusty. He is a Yellow golden brown, long hair and has an attitude of the worst kind. You can pet him, but never pick him up, he will slap you across the face and he is strong. It hurts when he slaps but he has no claws to hurt you with. He is a nice cat but he isn't loveable. But attitude and all he is now a new member of our family.

I also rescued two sisters, one is black, her name is Blacky. The other is a long haired calico and her name is Missy. Blacky is the trouble maker and thief. She steals drains for the sink, toys and hides them. Missy is very mellow and down to earth. She is my shadow, always at my heels following me around. At night when it is close to bed time she will cry till I shut down the computer and go to bed. Where she will curl into my arm and hold my arm with her paws. She is a mommas girl for sure.

Many nights I dream of my other cats. I dream they are still here and we are playing and having a good time as always. Maybe this is gods way of letting me spend time with them even though they arn't here anymore. Pictures and my dreams at night are all that I have left of them now. By the way did I mention that there were 11 that I had to put to sleep that day. The hurt is still inside of me, it will never go away. My babies will never be forgotten, no other cats will ever take their place. Someday down the road I may even be able to look at a picture of them without crying. We'll see.