piece of mind

and when you try to break my spirit, it won't work because there's nothing left to break... anymore

PIECE #1: written in early 1998
some people have asked me to change this, saying that i am talking shit about the atlanta sXe scene. but i can't change the way i feel. it's kind of ironic knowing what i know about the scene now and seeing what i was feeling then. up until recently, i thought things were different, better. but i'm not so sure anymore.

piece of mind
here it is, the zine (or, meaningless babble) i've been meaning to write for years now. you're probably thinking, where are all the pictures, the interviews, and all that zine stuff? well, this is an ultra-emo all-writing zine- maybe i'll add that stuff later. anyways, this is appropriately called "piece of mind" because (and yes, i know this is cheesy and emo, but so what) in writing this "piece" of my mind, i'm hoping to acheive "peace" of mind. you see, i've been plagued by depression and loss for about 2 years now. i thought i could leave the hardcore scene, stop doing what i love (going to shows, selling and collecting records, being straightedge. etc.), and just "grow up" and these feelings would go away. but wouldn't you know, they are worse now than they ever were. but before i really get into this, let me explain that i am not writing this first and then typing it. i would rather just free-flow type. i will be updating this a lot (to add things and make it less confusing), so stick with me. and i'm sorry if this seems disorganized. if you have any questions or comments, please contact me... i am VERY interested in any feedback (good or bad) anyone can offer- just sign my guestbook or send me an email. oh yeah, one more promise i am making, i am not going to name names. this is going to be whiney (is that a word??) enough as it is, and even though i feel like i deserve to, i will not trash people using their real names. with that... here we go...
there are certain people in the atlanta scene that are here for a reason (and i will name these names: gavin, scottmc, and several others- but not too many). i do not know many of the new kids, so in this writing, i will not be referring to them. there are some kids, though, that live, eat (vegan, of course), sleep, and breathe straightedge- to the extent that they are not themselves anymore. i know that sounds weird, but these are kids that used to be nice guys, but now they live a play-life... a place far, far away from reality. i know, because i used to be this. these kids have turned mean. they're not really straightedge because they truly believe what it's about, they just use it as an excuse to be rude and obnoxious. these are the kids that, at the least harm, make fun of and exclude those who are not straightedge (or are not vegan, or are not into animal rights, or anything they're into). at the most harm, these people are feeding off the impressionable kids in the scene that are just looking for someone to follow. these people find these kids, usually new to the scene and young, and mold them into clones of themselves. i blame these leader kids... they are usually older and should know better than to overpower these younger kids. look around, they are probably in your scene, too. in atlanta, they all tended to dress exactly the same, and be into the same things (hypothetical example: WCW wrestling). but these younger kids aren't into this stuff because they like it, but because the "leader" likes it. these kids are like flocks of sheep, giving the leaders the ultimate power. i know, because once again, i was there. in atlanta, one particular group like this was even somewhat sexist, not treating girls as equals.
i guess straightedge means different things to different people, but to me, it always meant (other than no drinking, no smoking, no drugs) unification of kids that like the same music and generally have the same beliefs. if you were not straightedge, i wasn't going to be the one to force you into it- i could care less, i just wanted to be your friend. that was a big problem for me- i wanted to be everyone's friend. the point of all this is still not completely clear to me... i think it boils down to the fact that i really believed in something and all of a sudden (or maybe it was a process, i just refused to recognize it) all the people that i thought were real, weren't. but that's still not it, there's more to it. i just can't put my finger on it yet. but i know this has a lot to do with the fact that i am a very sensitive person, i think that's why this is all affecting me so much. i know i've never really come out yet and say exactly what happened to me. so here it is, i was turned out of the scene by certain people. sure, i bared with it for awhile, even though certain "powerful" kids hated me (for no apparent reason, but because i was different than them, and presumably, because i'm a girl), but after awhile, i couldn't take it anymore. why would anyone stick around somewhere that they feel so unwanted?? i realize now that this all shouldn't have mattered, i should have stuck with it anyways because i loved it. but i couldn't. i had to get out, so i did. i tried to forget. but there were still people that really gave a shit about where i was and what i was doing. i tried to ignore this, but i couldn't. so, after about 2 years, i guess you can say i'm back. and screw all those kids that are just that- children. and some of them are older than me! but it's sad, the atlanta scene as a whole has a tendancy to do this, turn people out. so watch your back, atlanta kids. watch your back.

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