*my journal*
the space in my heart
is left unfilled
but you, my dear
are everywhere...
in my dreams
on my walls
take it away
don't take it away again.
-by me, 06/20/99
january 13, 2000
well kids, we survived the new year. can you believe it? i'm tired and i'm getting sick but after years and years i've finally replaced my copy of the cure: pornography and all i want to do is listen to it over and over again. nothing in my life is different or changed much. next week michael and i are going to the national conference on civil disobedience in d.c. and everyone knows how i feel about d.c... it'll be nice to get away for a few days and see elliott, even if i will freeze my ass off. man i hate the winter.
the job is great, actually, thanks for asking. i thank myself over and over again for taking it. hopefully my monetary situation will be almost good soon... seems like i owe everyone. and having utilities turned off is getting pretty annoying and depressing.
december 16, 1999
last night my sister and i took daddy to a hockey game for his birthday. it was the thrashers vs. the washington capitols, which was fitting since daddy was born in georgetown (hence my love for d.c.). the caps won, of course. it was fun- i love hanging out with daddy outside of his house. i had almost been scared to go last night, though, because i kept having visions in my head of something bad happening. fortunately, all was well other than daddy having a slight asthsma attack. he just scares me sometimes- i feel like he's a walking timebomb. he's diabetic, overweight, doesn't excersize, eats red meat at every meal, and has high blood pressure and terrible allergies and asthsma. he turned 54 yesterday. i dunno what i'd do if (and when) something happens to him. i've always been daddy's little girl, and i feel so dependent on him. i live my life in fear that i'll get that call- you know the one i mean- so sometimes i'm afraid to answer the phone. just thinking about it almost makes me cry. i love you, daddy.
december 15, 1999
i'm back, so many months later. it's not that i haven't had anything to write. sometimes life moves so fast, i can't keep up- i'm sure you know what i mean. most recently, i've almost lost best friends, started a new job, and been much happier and sadder, all at the same time. loneliness is an overwhelming feeling. lately, i've not eaten or slept much. the worst part is that it could've been prevented- and it happened so suddenly. i've found that a lot of the ways i think and feel are really messed up. but even though i realize this, i feel powerless- it's like my head goes one way and my heart goes another. so i've been acting out a lot lately, and then getting mad at myself for acting so retarded. it's such a frustrating and confusing experience. but it's hard to spend so much time with someone and then all the sudden have that taken away from you. have you ever felt your heart break in your chest? you can't breathe, your eyes water involuntarily, and all you feel is hurt. i know i'm overreacting, but my body doesn't know that. so then i get mad, at the situation and at myself. it blows my mind. and i feel like i can't stop the way i feel, the way i act. some days i feel crazier than others.
for now, i've kept my friend, although i miss the time i used to spend with him. i'm trying to just be glad that he's happy, but it's hard.
september 16, 1999
it's funny when you find out who your real friends are. you'd be surprised. you'll be having a bad day one day and need someone to support you, listen to you, or just make you feel better, and they'll end up making you feel even worse than you did when you came to them. then other people that you know you'll love forever (no matter how far away they live) can cheer you up in written words from hundreds (thousands, even) of miles away. thank you mark miller. i love you. here's what he sent- mark curry lyrics:
Now and again it seems it's on me
What have I done this time
Man shes only trying to love you
Well ain't it the first thing on my mind
If She thinks that i don't care
I need to be where she's at right now
Cause theres always a place for her right here in my heart
and i wish we somehow could be near
Cause being apart is hell.
I wish i could tell her right now
I love her.
more than words can say.
whats beautiful in my eyes
I'll run at any time to the safety of her arms
I know that she would hold me close and tight
Then I'd tell her how this will all work out.
I know she wouldn't care she'd be happy i was there
Shes beautiful I never did expect
She would only have my ultimate respect
september 3, 1999
i thought i'd be able to keep up with this journal daily, but i'm lucky to write monthly, it seems. i've been through a lot lately- i got a new, *real* job, i haven't been able to pay bills or rent (thanks daddy), and i'm starting to find a lot of kids that i thought hated me are actually pretty okay. punkrock hangout night is fun, i suggest everyone institute one in their hometowns. we've been having it on wednesday nights. it's pretty sporadic, but we've had fun when different kids turn out. we've gone to the park and played games like dodge ball, ultimate frisbee, red rover, duck-duck-goose, and we've gone on a punkrock fieldtrip to stone mountain park (a local hunk of granite that they shoot lasers on and play favorite tunes like "the devil went down to georgia" by the charlie daniels band, elvis' "dixie," and ray charles, jr.'s "georgia on my mind"). it was just a summer thing, but i'd like to carry it into the fall and winter. there's already plans in the works for another punkrock field trip to a gorge about 2 hours away. i'd like to think that it's brought the scene together somewhat- the hardcore kids are starting to hang out with the emo kids, etc. the sexism is still here, but i think that's getting better, too (baby steps). it's really made me happy that kids have come together like this. but maybe it's only because of the summer. summer does crazy stuff to people. i guess we'll see.
august 18, 1999
it's hot as hell in here. note to self: next time get an apt. with air conditioning. it's disgusting. i can't even sleep. i again haven't entered any journal writings lately, although i've been writing. maybe one day i'll be able to add them here, but i'm not sure when with my new job. just thought i'd share what i wrote in a good friend's birthday card recently:
it's cheesy and yucky and all that but sometimes i look at you and think how amazing you are. sometimes you just look over at me with your goofy smile, and it makes me laugh. sometimes you drive me crazy, and other times there's no one in the world i'd rather be sitting next to than you. sometimes when you're not around, i think of you and worry. and smile. and laugh. i can't imagine sometimes what i'd do without you. i wonder how i could show you how much i appreciate you, because words are not enough and actions aren't much better. i depend on you a lot, i’m beginning to realize this now. i always look forward to hanging out with you. you make me think about things that i wouldn’t normally pay attention to. you’ve put up with a lot of crap from me. you’re always there for me, and there’s nothing i can say or do to tell you how much that means to me. i know this kind of stuff embarrasses you, but i just want you to know how i feel. maybe it’s this texas is the reason cd, but i don’t think it is.
so that’s enough sappiness for now. thank you so much for being my friend. i love you.
august 5, 1999
grrr. i haven't written for a long time because my computer is a piece of shit. i'm going to va beach this weekend, so i'm sure i'll get lots of writing done there. while i'm gone, look up darian's new site: atlanta grind. two tips for the summer:
1. find someone to makeout with
2. kill brittney spears!! please!!
july 16, 1999
i’m in philadelphia now. it’s hot here, and this city is filthy. i guess i am spoiled by how pretty and clean atlanta seems. there’s a strange safeness here in philly, though- maybe it’s the trolleys. We went to georgetown today. d.c. with elliott was almost perfect. i thought a lot about daddy today, and what georgetown must’ve looked like when he grew up. i miss elliott a lot, and i realized today that with him in d.c., we will never be as close as we once were. that makes me really sad. it was so hot in the car today that both matt and i fell into a sleepy half-conscious, sweaty state. i’m not sure how michael stayed awake in traffic. after all that, though, i’m still happy to be away. too many problems at home- money, finding a job, finding myself. lots to hide from. everything’s new here, there’s people to meet, things to see, good food to eat. i want to get out (of gavin’s van), walk around, but i feel like a newborn deer on wobbly legs. i will never get used to the anxiety of being in front of a large group of people, feeling all eyes on me. not that i think all eyes ARE on me, it’s just a feeling, you know... sometimes i look at people and they make me sick. there’s a guy over there hugging three gurls that he just met. they must be half his age. i try to understand where my rage comes from, and i can’t figure it out. am i jealous? or am i just mad at him for having an i-wanna-get-in-their-pants look on his face? there is a fashion issue here, too. i used to (or so i thought) care at least a little about fashion, when i had money. now that i’m somewhat poor, i only care about fashion to a small extent- i like my cargo shorts, tshirts, munsingwear shirts (button-ups with a penguin on the pocket), and i like my purcells. i don’t really feel like i need much else right now (okay, maybe some new shirts would be nice). it seems like a lot of the kids here are very fashion- the womyn in the capri pants with tank tops and short, spikey hair (sometimes accessorized with funny-shaped mod-looking glasses), and the guys in tight black shirts and pants and dyed black hair. it seems silly- they all look the same. we can’t ALL be in the make-up, you know... again, i wonder why this bothers me. am i jealous? even if i had the money, i wouldn’t buy super-tight clothes like theirs. i’m not skinny enough. sometimes i wish i could dress like them, to look more “feminine” and “pretty.” i wish these things didn’t matter to me, but they do.
july 14, 1999
"so for once in my life let me get what i want... lord knows it would be the first time" -the smiths
the air is heavy tonight. i haven't written in a while. i'm not sure why. a mixture of being lazy, busy, or not having anything to write about. when my boyfriend was out of town, although i was sad, i had space to think and write. now that he's back, everything's back to normal- meaning i do not think anymore.
"sing me to sleep, i don't want to wake up on my own anymore" -the smiths
i cannot avoid all my problems for the rest of my life. sometimes i am amazed at how well i escape certain situations that seem inevitable. i know one day my luck will run out. i've been scaring myself lately... i'll be driving and all the sudden i'll have this vision of me driving right into the median wall doing about 70-80 mph. having someone is not enough sometimes. things have changed so much lately- i think for the worse. i love, but i avoid.
sometimes i think of you
and i want to scream.
other times, i want to cry.
sometimes i look at you
and i don't know who you are
you are so beautiful when you cry stars
and sometimes you look happy
to see me.
you put up with so much, so little
when i dream of your softness, our happiness
there my monsters inside are gone
the touch of your lips fills me
in a second it washes away
and comes back again
as i forever watch you sleep
*they say you never forget your first love*
july 1, 1999
this is a call to action... we need more gurls in the pit! i went to a show tonight and i was dancing in my normal fashion (up in front, flailing like a fish) and after one of the bands a group of gurls came up to me and were like, "you are so awesome for dancing like that!" and i was like, "well get out here and dance with me!" and convinced them to come up in the front for the last band, portrait. so it ended up being almost all gurls on the front dancing with me, it was a great feeling. gurls need to feel more confident about dancing. i remember when it was all about dancing cute or whatever for me. but in the past 4 years or so (ever since inkwell), i really haven't cared what anyone thought about my dancing. hell, i was the one rolling on the floor crying at their shows. but i've always hated the way guys treat me when i dance... they say "oh, i'm sorry, are you okay?" and give me a lot of space. tonight there was a guy that just about beat me up, and he and i were the only ones dancing at one point (all the other gurls got somehow squished in a corner), and he just about beat the shit out of me. i shook his hand after the show and told him thanks for dancing with me and not treating me like i was fragile. he said, "well, you were up front to dance, right?" it was awesome. the show tonight was definetely one of the best i've seen in a long time. it was kill the man who questions, forcefedglass, portrait, and my friend matt's unnamed local band. it was intense. an amazing show. the forcefedglass kids were just awesome and fun, as usual.
some atlanta kids and i have tried to organize a "punkrock hangout night" where we will go to the park and play kickball or ultimate frisbee. it's going to be great if we can get a lot of people to come. i didn't want to exclude anyone, and i sent a mass email to a lot of kids, one of them being a kid named dave. i was worried that he would just ignore it (not him in particular, but some of the kids he knows are known to dislike me), but he ended up forwarding the letter to about 30 other kids. plus i handed out flyers tonight and everyone seemed so pumped up about it, especially the kids i don't know. it was great. i hope people really do come.
june 30, 1999
good friend michael and i went and saw the southpark movie tonight, it was one of the funniest movies i've ever seen! i feel so much better after getting out and having a good laugh.
here's something that's troubling me... why do i continue in a relationship that makes me miserable, but i swear i love him? i fear i'm doomed to this for the rest of my life. and this goes back to the changing thing... i keep feeling like one day he'll change. but once a person gets so old, isn't it true that chances are, they won't change much more for the rest of their life? you see, i'm trying to figure out if this is a lost cause... but it hurts, because i love him. i'm really lost for what to do. i'm so scared to be alone. but would i rather be alone, or miserable?
june 29, 1999
i actually cleaned today! cleaning is something i say i'm going to do, but i never do. it made me feel a little better, almost like a new person. maybe that's what this time is for, to realize the me that i've left behind. now that i'm out of school and i'm not in "career mode" yet, i could get some real discovering done, i suppose. sometimes (most of the time, actually) i forget who i am. i assume so many identities and personalities and i guess i just wait around for them to all meld into one, but they haven't yet. or maybe they're supposed to be like this. craziness.
i'm continually haunted by this changing thing. why must i try to change people? it's not everyone, i don't think. only a few close certain people. it's frustrating to me, but i look at it as a challenge, at the same time. maybe that's why i'm in my current situation, a challenge? like relationships are sport. i am what i hate.
june 28, 1999
i got out tonight. went to kroger and taco cabana by myself. i go places by myself all the time, that's not what i was worried about (although it would've been nice to have someone there). it was coming home to an empty house that i worried about. it felt a little better tonight, though, i feel stronger. being dependent on someone really sucks, and it's taking everything out of me. but it's also giving me some much-needed space and time to think. so maybe this is a good thing, but it still feels awful. i'm almost in the mood to clean, though, and that's a REALLY good thing. i'm listening to a little happier music, i switched from the likes of morrissey and souixie, indian summer, closure, and piebald (oh god the memories make them stop) to the new built to spill. i'm almost in the mood for some bjork, maybe tomorrow while i'm cleaning. then i'll know i'm close to fixed.
i came upon some realizations tonight that need to be further thought through. i realized that i open myself up, even too much, a lot of the time, in hopes that someone will come along and care to know me- ALL of me, even better than i know myself. there are a few people in my life right now that have acheived a little of this- they predict what i will do or say, finish sentences for me, etc. but it seems as though, as much as i want to, i will never know ALL of someone else. i look around and see closed doors. even my boyfriend, whom i thought i knew more than anyone, was emailing friends deep, personal essays that he had never shared with me. i still don't understand why. but i assume that i will not ever know anyone as much as i'd like. i can get people to open up a little, but never as much as i feel like i'm open. i'm not sure what this means for me. should i not reveal so much of myself? should i stop trying to get into peoples' heads? or have i just not found the right person/people?
another realization i stumbled upon today (it's not the first time, and it won't be the last, i'm sure) is that as hard as i try, i can't change people. i don't know what's made me feel like i can go around making people into what i want them to be. it saddens me, because i feel like change is my last chance for love. i suppose that instead of trying to change people, i should just deal with what i don't like about them. but i'm not sure if that would save any relationships for me. hopefully i'll be able to work through all this in the next week and make a decision about my short-term goals.
june 27, 1999
do you ever listen to sad music when you're in a bad mood, as if to perpetuate the sadness? someone told me once that i'm only happy when i'm miserable. the more i think about it, the more i think she was right. anyways, this live indian summer cd is causing me to be more sad than i was when i put it on. and i'm getting some strange comfort from that.
june 26, 1999
maybe it’s because i go in and out of stages of complete madness. i’m not sure. i’m shaking so badly right now, i can barely type. i want to function normally, but i don’t know how. i had an anxiety attack today because i was thinking about how i was coming home from vacation to an empty (and filthy) house. now that i’m here, i’m scared to death. i can barely breathe. it’s not even dark yet. it’s going to be a loooong week. i need to stop reading stephen king books.
when i was on vacation last week, my parents took me to see the new movie “notting hill” (starring julia roberts and hugh grant). it was a sappy, feel-good (supposedly) romantic comedy about a woman who is a famous movie star and the normal englishman she falls in love with. it was the kind of movie i suppose some would call a “chick flick.” lots of emotion. and i guess i had always tried to put it out of my mind that movies like these are unrealistic and fanciful. now that i think about it, almost all of my favorite movies are along these same lines. for example, “city of angels” starring nicholas cage and meg ryan. in this movie, a female doctor who doesn’t believe in angels meets one, falls in beautiful love, and then dies, leaving the angel a mortal. it’s a gorgeous love story and after it i cried (more like bawled) for hours, wondering when my “angel” would come along. little do i know that love like that is unattainable. another example: “romeo and juilet,” the timeless yet tragic love story of shakespearian fame that starred claire danes and leonardo dicapro (however cheesy he may be now, he was beautiful in this movie). not only was romeo and juilet’s love illegal in the eyes of their families, but it was impossible. love like theirs is, in my eyes, unachievable. it is unfail to us, as moviegoers, to be taught to strive for what we cannot have. this makes all of our love lives a mess. so, i left “notting hill” feeling like someone put a bag over my head and stepped on my chest, while my parents chatted over how ‘cute’ the movie was. it made me sick and depressed.
i keep hoping that the things going on here are in my head. i make people into monsters in my head. but i haven’t talked to anyone yet, so i don’t know what’s REALLY going on. i feel as though it’s a conspiracy, but i am innocent. please let this be only my paranoia…
***it’s hard seeing a friend fall into the same trap you fell in. don’t say i didn’t warn you. and don’t hate me because they do.***
june 21, 1999
there's some fucked up shit happening in our scene, kids... backstabbing, sexism, elitist stuff. it's time we gave ourselves a good look before we judge anyone else. everytime i turn around, there's a good example of gurls being left out because we're gurls. it's sad, really sad. can it be fixed? i dunno. i want to fix it, but i can't get anyone to listen. then i wonder if it's worth my time (and it's probably not). people wonder why i left the scene for two years... now i wonder why i ever came back. so much for gurls trying to make a difference in this scene... it won't happen unless you are sucking someone's dick. sorry to be so crude, but it seems to be the truth. florida, here i come...
june 20, 1999
i'm not sure how comfortable i feel about writing things here for other people to see, but i guess in a way it's no different than writing poems or lyrics... so here goes. i'm not going to make this first entry very long because it's late and i need to go to bed. i'm sitting here listening to my bloody valentine and one of my cats is in my lap. it's very relaxing, while the rest of my world tilts and spins around me. working in a job i hate is making it unbearable to go to work. i'm trying to find a "real" job since i just graduated college, but i am suddenly bombarded with feelings of guilt... you see, my entire life, i've thought my career would be working in a safe corporate situation (of course, i kind of put that idea on hold to be "punk"), but i'm finding that i can't justify that anymore. i try not to think about it, but every interview i go on, i'm faced with this problem. i need to sit and think these feelings through so that i can hurry up and get out of my current job, but i like to procrastinate and avoid conflict. so then i end up just complaining about things, which i'm doing right now. it's a neverending circle. other than this, though, i'm doing pretty well. i try to forget about my money and boy situations, so i just kind of deal with those as they come about. i believe i need a vacation, though, an escape from my problems. i like to be somewhere else and (yeah, it's unhealthy, i know) forget about all my junk for awhile. this week i am going to florida with my parents. i find that the beach is very relaxing. hopefully i will get lots of thinking and writing done this week.