Drop your drawers and grab your tape measures, boys, it’s time to play the game of
nuclear diplomacy.
If you haven’t been living in a cave lately (which, considering recent developments,
may not be such a bad idea), you’ve probably heard that India recently detonated a
nuclear “device”. (Note how no one says “bomb” anymore, nuclear weapons are
“devices”, like something you’d get from the Sharper Image catalog.) President Clinton
shook his index finger at India and said “naughty, naughty India, don’t do that anymore,”
whereupon India flipped us the international bird by detonating not one, but two more
“devices”. Some high muckety-muck or Pooh-bah or whatever they have in India since
the British skedaddled was quoted as saying that “India wants to show that it is not an
international eunuch.” Apparently, this official has confused nuclear weapons with
Viagra. Okay, I know that was cheap and obvious, but I have to put in at least one Viagra
joke a month. It’s the law. You could look it up.
Everybody is really upset with India about this, especially the neighboring Pakistanis,
who look upon a nuclear-capable India with the same joy an antelope would feel if the
tigers started carrying assault rifles. For our own part, Americans are engaged in the
usual orgy of recrimination, mostly centered around the question “why didn’t we know
about this?” The CIA is coming under fire because they hadn’t been keeping a close
enough eye on India and its nuclear program. Of course, as Senator Daniel Patrick
Moniyhan has pointed out, anyone who reads the international newspapers could have
figured out what was going to happen. The current ruling party of India did everything
but announce the date and location of the tests when they were campaigning. In addition,
their motto, freely translated, is “We’re Here, We’re Nuclear, and If Anybody Has
Anything to Say About It, PARTICULARLY the Freakin’ British, They Know Where to
Find Us.” With all that, it’s hard to see how we could be caught by surprise. Apparently
the boys at the CIA have seen “Gandhi” one time too many. Either that or they had them
confused with the Cleveland Indians, who are a threat to nobody.
We need to face the fact that the nuclear cat is out of the bag. And like all cats, it’s not
going to come back when we call it. Anyone who can get nukes, will get nukes. We can
“deplore” or “condemn” it all we want, and the response of anybody with the Bomb is
going to be “Sez who?” But we have to do something or pretty soon, EVERYBODY will
be packing nuclear weapons, including New Jersey, and I don’t want to be around when
THAT happens.
I think that whole “we are not eunuchs” comment gets to the heart of the matter. Some
countries are a lot like overweight, balding middle-aged men: they like to show off their
nuclear weapons as if they were a new sports car or a hot-looking second wife. “Look
what a studly country I am!” they say to themselves. Kind of sad, really, and particularly
sad coming from the country that gave us the “Kama Sutra”. I mean, anybody that can do
the stuff portrayed in that book doesn’t need nuclear weapons to prove their manliness.
What they’d really need is a chiropractor. But I digress.
We need to do something to prop up the sagging egos of countries like this. Hey, I’ve
got an idea! Monica Lewinsky needs a job, or so I hear. Bill Clinton would probably like
to get her out of the country, and the Republicans-well, if there’s anybody who owes
Monica a favor, it’s the Republicans. How about “Ambassador at Large”? No, that’s kind
of cruel, considering the whole weight thing. Maybe “Special Envoy for Missile
Disarmament”. I hear she’s good at that sort of thing. And have her bring the Indians a
case of Viagra.
There. That’s two Viagra jokes. I’m covered for the next few columns.