The first column that appeared in the paper. It was originally a letter to the Editor and led to my being asked to write for the paper on a regular basis.
Well, THIS is cute.
Seems that in a recent round of hearings on the
campaign finance hoo-hah (also known as the “Glass Houses Hearings”),
Representative Dan Burton of Indiana or Ohio, or one of those other
comical Midwestern states, referred to the President as a “scumbag.”
Nice to see the Republicans have shed that stuffy, tweedy, country-club
image and replaced it with the kind of political discourse you usually only
find on the “Jerry Springer” show. Now, of course, the pundits are
moaning and groaning about how fine old traditions of courtesy and respect
in politics have vanished.
Yeah, right.
As usual, the national media seems to believe that human history
began about the time of the Kennedy Administration. The idea of the
national legislature as this polite, civil group is a relatively recent
development. Back in the early days of the Republic, Senators and
Congressmen used to say generally horrible things to one another, spitting
on the floor was tolerated, and the legislators would engage in the
occasional fistfight. The most famous example occurred in
1857 when Preston Brooks of South Carolina beat Charles Sumner of
Massachusetts over the head with his cane on the floor of the Senate.
Sumner later died of his injuries. Brooks’ supporters, in a heartwarming
tribute, sent him hundreds of new canes with suggestions as to who his next
target should be.
Personally, I'd like to see those days return. I mean, admit it.
Wouldn't you like to see Teddy Kennedy and Newt Gingrich go upside one
another's head with a pair of Louisville Sluggers? I for one would pay
serious money to see that. The only problem would be that it would be sort
of like watching Duke play Clemson-you'd be pulling for both sides to lose.
Or how about Dan Burton and Hillary Clinton in a Cage Match, like on NWA
Wrestling? (My money's on Hillary in that one. She's a little bitty thing,
but she's got that look in her eye.) The sale of the pay-per-view rights
alone could pay off a substantial portion of the national debt. My only
misgiving about such a system would be that it might lead to Arnold
Schwarzenegger as a junior congressman from California ("Mistuh Speakah,
point of oah-duh!" WHOMP!) I mean, Bob Dornan was bad enough. You could
replace the Sergeant-at-Arms with that guy from the boxing matches ("Ladies
and gentlemen of the U.S. Congress, ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!") The best
part about it is, they'll spend so much time fighting each other and
recuperating, they won't have time to mess with the rest of us.
If this idea ever catches on and spreads to the world of journalism, I
got dibs on Sam Donaldson.
Seems that in a recent round of hearings on the
campaign finance hoo-hah (also known as the “Glass Houses Hearings”),
Representative Dan Burton of Indiana or Ohio, or one of those other
comical Midwestern states, referred to the President as a “scumbag.”
Nice to see the Republicans have shed that stuffy, tweedy, country-club
image and replaced it with the kind of political discourse you usually only
find on the “Jerry Springer” show. Now, of course, the pundits are
moaning and groaning about how fine old traditions of courtesy and respect
in politics have vanished. 
1998 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.