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Why the American Economy Will Never Fail

Dirt for your hair-- Seems the latest rage in women's hairstyles is a sort of tousled, disheveled look, a sort of wanton, "I just crawled out of bed but I'd be happy to crawl back into it with you" effect. So some hair designer in Hollywood is selling this goop at $20.00 a jar, the purpose of which is to make your hair look dirty. It is called, appropriately enough, "Dirt," and looks just like chocolate pudding. For all I know, it IS chocolate pudding. Supposedly, a little dab'll do ya. I suggest you just not wash your hair and save the twenty bucks. Try not brushing your teeth for a few days and they'll be beating your door down with movie contracts in no time.

Video for cats--A company in New York is selling a "cat adventure video." According to the ad, "It's a great way to keep your cat amused and out of mischief! It's jam- packed with wildlife action and enhanced by the sounds of nature...so cats think they're in the great outdoors!" Unless, that is, the cat is smarter than you are. And if you're willing to pay $12.95 for this thing, my money's on the cat.

Video Fireplace--the same company offers, also for $12.95, a "fireplace video." It is actually what it sounds like: a video of a burning fire in a fireplace. That's it. That's the whole thing. Not since Andy Warhol released a movie which consisted of one eight-hour shot of the Empire State Building has cinema been this minimalist. The point, however, is not art, but to "instantly create a romantic mood and cozy, inviting atmosphere for special evenings and gatherings." Oh, yeah. Women think it's real romantic to curl up with you, open a bottle of Beaujolais, and watch a roaring fire on TV. Take my advice, stud-boy, you'd get better results with some X-rated video. I mean, she'll still slap you and run screaming from the room, but she'd just think you were a sleazy pig, not a pathetic dweeb like she would if you tried to impress her with this.

But wait, as they say on TV, there's more! For $19.95 (Yes! Just seven bucks more!) you can get the "Deluxe" version, which features...well, pretty much the same thing,but it runs for six whole hours. Frankly, the thought of the type of person who would keep this video running for six hours gives me a chill, no pun intended.

The nicotine inhaler--now here's one I REALLY don't get. It's made by one of those companies that manufactures anti-smoking aids, like nicotine patches and nicotine gum. Their latest innovation is a device that you carry it around like an asthma inhaler. Whenever the urge to light up gets too bad, you just squirt a little shot of the ol' nicotine into your lungs. Maybe I'm missing something here, but isn't there already a device that does this? It's called a cigarette.

The funniest thing about the nicotine inhaler is how it looks. How shall I put this? It's a little plastic tube that I think they were trying to make look as much like a cigarette as possible. Unfortunately, what it looks like is some sort of feminine hygiene product. You walk down the street a couple of times with one of these hanging out of your mouth and your family will BEG you to start smoking again, just to avoid the embarassment.

So, my friends, be of good cheer during the various ups and downs of the economy. Let's see any Communist country that can produce products like video for cats, dirt for the hair, and Kotex-shaped nicotine inhalers! With this type of product on our shelves, we cannot fail.

God bless you all, and God bless America.