Bill Clinton engages in hanky-panky in the White House with an intern. The
chairman of the House Judiciary Committee is shown to have engaged in his own
extramarital carryings-on, which he describes as "youthful indiscretions" (he was in his
40's at the time). The Speaker of the House has to fall on his sword due to what some
sources describe as "several" affairs. Every day, we hear more and more about the
bedroom habits of every President and politician in American history (except Nixon, and
that's because no one can stand to even think about it). Republicans do it, Democrats do
it, and we're pretty sure the Libertarians do it, although we're not sure why.
You say you're tired of the constant sex scandals, which seem to plague everybody from
the President on down? You say you've had enough of sexual immorality among the
people who were supposed to be moral leaders and paragons of virtue?
Me, too. So I have an idea, a solution that stood the test of time in some of the world's
oldest and most civilized cultures. We need to revive the political power of a class of
people long thought extinct.
We need to bring back the eunuch.
Think about it. In China and parts of the Middle East, eunuchs were often the most
powerful men in the kingdom. They were thought to be immune from wordly temptations
such as sex and could devote themselves entirely to the machinery of government. They
served as trusted advisors, keepers of the royal treasury, even bodyguards.
Alas, in the modern age, we have forgotten the usefulness of the eunuch and allowed
this simple but effective solution to fall by the wayside. China's last court eunuch, Sun
Yaoting, died in 1996 at the age of 94. Sun's father castrated him at age 8 to allow him
to enter the elite ranks of China's court eunuchs. (Gee, thanks, Pop. Gotta wonder what
Father's Day was like around the Sun household. ) Unfortunately, a month later, the
monarchy fell and China became a republic. Boy, talk about your rotten timing!
Brothers and sisters, let us now observe a moment of silence for the world's unluckiest
man.
You think you'll have trouble getting people to run if we make being gelded a
requirement for public office? Heck, look at what they go through now. Having total
strangers sift through every facet of their private lives and their pasts, being subjected to
impertinent and embarassing questions about things they may have done twenty years
ago, having their very tax returns snooped over by the press...we've made it so onerous to
run for or hold elective office that the only people who will run have to have something
seriously wrong with their heads in the first place to be willing to put up with it. To get
elected, politicians will willingly give up their privacy, their family life, any semblance
of normality. After that, you think losing their courting tackle is going to be a factor?
Now, like everything else, this whole eunuch thing has its downside. Intrigue and
plotting among the royal eunuchs was among the factors that historians say contributed
to the downfall of the Chinese monarchy, not to mention the Ottoman Empire. The
devious little capons, having been deprived of the usual extracurricular activities, tended
to turn all their energy towards scheming and backstabbing, sometimes literally. And the
most famous American eunuchs of recent memory were, of course, certain members of
the Heaven's Gate cult, who first castrated themselves for "purification" purposes, then
went the final step and committed mass suicide. But hey, at least they weren't messing
around on their wives.
Now, as an alternative, we could stop concentrating so much on what people do in
their off hours and judge politicians of all flavors on the job they do. That, of course
would make too much sense. We, as a country, would never go for it.
So get on the
bandwagon. Write your congressperson. Tell them if they're REALLY devoted to the idea
of morality in government, they need to put more than just their reputations on the line.
I'll take care of contacting Hillary Clinton. I'm reasonably sure I can get her
endorsement on this.
1999 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.
