11/17/98:
I know I said this was for happy thoughts, but I changed my mind. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kill myself tonite. I'm gonna take as many pills I can find and that'll kill me. NO MORE PAIN!! No more! I'm sick of hurting. Life isn't worth it. I love everyone and I'll miss them but I'll have no more pain.
So maybe this is selfish. So What?! Everything I've done in life has been so self-less, now I'm doing something for me. I know that's twisting what Dr. S said, but oh well. I feel bad for Dr. S, I'll be his 1st suicide (I think).
I'm gonna do it. Die Jenne, you are such a bitch and you're ugly and you're so FAT and you fuck everything up. Die damnit! I will do it. Nothing will stop me. I can't tell anyone or they'll try to stop me. I don't want to be stopped, I just want no more pain.
I look at my pen and see "Smile! God loves you." He doesn't love me, He hates me. I don't blame Him, I'm a bad girl. No one should love me. I don't even love me. Bad me. Ugly me. Fat me. Stupid me.
Lonely me. Empty me. Worthless me. Selfish me. Sad me. I hope everyone will forgive me and I hope they realize I'll have no more pain. No future children. No future house with a white picket fence. No future soft black kittens. No future dreams. All my dreams are dead. I have to join them.
So much pain, I must make it go away. No more pain. No more loneliness. No more emptiness. No more pain.
I wish I could say goodbye to Beth, God knows how much I love her. She is my sunshine. She is my soul. I love her so much. I'm sorry Beth, please find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you more than KoRn or ice cream or computers or anything. You are me. I love you.
I'll miss everyone. I'll miss my poor Brandon. My poor sweet Brandon. I hope he doesn't blame himself. I love him so much. I'm sorry Brandon.
I don't want to think of anyone else, I'm starting to have doubts. I wish I had someone to call, that wouldn't try to stop me. I just want someone to talk to.
Well, this is goodbye forever. No more pain. No more.

Love,
Jennifer Rebecca Gillum
May 27, 1981 - November 17, 1998

11/19/98:
Ok, so it was a no go. I'm now in The Oaks :( I just want to go home, I won't hurt myself. I miss Beth. I miss Brandon. I miss even Karyn. I want to go home. Bye.

11/30/98:
I want to cut really bad. I'm not sure why; it's just like I'm "craving" it. I haven't cut in almost 2 weeks, I want to so bad. It's so hard not to :( I want to see myself bleed, I miss that part of cutting. I don't like my scars, I just want cuts. I'm gonna be watched like a hawk (rite phrasing?), each day my need to cut gets stronger. I'm fighting best I can, not because I think it's wrong but because I don't want my mom finding out. I've told a couple people that I don't see anything wrong with cutting, and it's true. It's my "thing" I guess you could say. I wish my mom wouldn't have found out, then I could keep on. Damnit, I want to cut! If I did a little bit of cutting, she mite not notice. Knowing my luck, I dunno.
Why hasn't my damn medicine kicked in. Usually it makes me drowsy 30 min after taking it. It's been almost an hour :( I need lots of sleep for tomorrow, it's gonna be a big day. I get to see Beth, yay :) But, I've got tons of work to make up:(
Well, I'm done babbling. Bye.

12/3/98:
I want to cut! I'm not gonna be able to resist the urge much longer. I don't know of any reason behind it, just that I want to cut and want to see blood. I'm getting the urge more and more, and lately it's all I think about. Everything reminds me of cutting it seems.
Blood is so beautiful. Not other people's, just mine. I want to see myself bleed. I want to cut!
School isn't doing so good. Monday nite I had a total breakdown. I couldn't help but cry and cry :( It was awful-terrible. Well, I don't feel like writing anymore. Bye.

12/5/98 11:14 pm:
Oh the pain *tears*. It hurts so bad i can't take it. He said he wouldn't, he said he wouldn't!!! I can't believe he lied to me...he broke my trust in him and my heart has not only been broken, but stomped on and the pain is unbearable. I can't stop crying...if my tears were images of my pain, they would stream forever. I can't describe how immense the pain I feel right now is. I have been betrayed *tears still flowing*. What have I done wrong this time to deserve such pain? Why does God hate me so much? I want to die. Oh please God, have mercy on me for once and take me away. Of all the times I've begged God to take me...if only this once He'd listen. It's hurts...so much pain. Unbearable pain.

12/8/98:
My mom has taken this too far. She told me that if things don't improve and I don't start showing improvement with my depression...she'll start changing things for me. She says I should be getting better because when I was in the oaks some stresses were eliminated...and I'm on a major mood elivator. She can't expect things to change over night, and I've only been on effexor for 3 weeks...and it has helped a little. I don't know, she's threatened to "make decisions" for me...or how I would put it, improving me the way she thinks I need to be improved. Blah :(
Last nite I cut some more, I couldn't help it. It made me feel better. I don't see anything wrong with it...but I know I can't let my mom find out. I don't know what Thursday's gonna be like...I have to tell Dr. S and he's not gonna be too happy. I'm just a big disappointment to everyone. I wish I would just die and relief this world of such a curse as me. Bye.

12/12/98:
I am such a bad girl....bad bad bad. I hate myself, why do I fuck up so much? :( I was in so much pain last nite, I felt so bad for hurting his feelings. I'm such a bad bad bad girl....horrible, terrible, awful :( I have yet to understand why God keeps such a bad person alive...why won't He just free this world of me!?!?
I cut last nite. I had to. It took the pain away...it made me feel better. The blood was so beautiful I can't describe it. It's the first time I could actually connect a reason to why I cut. I felt like a bad girl and I was in pain, my guess it's those 2 reasons I cut. Dr. S will be disappointed that I cut, but I'm sure it'll be better if I tell him I kinda knew why. *Sigh* I want to cut my arms. It's so hard not to, but I can't let my mom know I'm doing it again. Karyn saw my ribs yesterday when we were changing. She said, "At least you spelled it right." How could someone who hates themself as much as I do, misspell hate? I want to cut right now but I can't. It's day time and I have to get ready soon :(
The pain's coming back now. It hurts so much. Why won't it stop? I don't have to ask "what have I done wrong" this time. I know what I did. Bad me :( I hate me, I am such a bitch. I wish I would just die. Bye.

12/13/98:
Back down....further
No one left that cares
I have no one to talk to
Or even pretend to listen
No one to just hold me when i hurt
The pain is too much
So unbearable
I want to break my promise
I don't want anymore
The pain
The hurt
The hate
But I will go on
Wishing I would just die
Praying I'll be in the right place
At the right time
Then there will be no more

12/14/98:
I is drunk again. HEHE! Funny how i can still do html and type in this damned journal even tho i'm drunk. I feel bad that i broke my promise to someone i love (that i wouldnt drink till the summer time), but i couldnt help it. I haven't cut in a couple days....had the urge to just slice up my hands this morning, but i didn't. I'm happy rite now...drunk and happy. Lets' see what i've drunk....um, a glass of southern comfort, a glas of amaretto, a couple glasses of wine (er...a few maybe), and now i gots me another glass of wine and another of amaretto. Boy is my hangover gonna be bad tomrorow!! I know this is the same idea as cutting....doing harm to my body, but you know what?! I am happy!! It feels good to be drunk....i'm not thinking about my problems! Yay for me *hugs herself* hehe...that felt funny :)
*Sigh* I wish someone would call me...i love talking on the fone when i'm drunk, talk about fun?! Hehe...altho one time the butthead Jason asked me what i thought of him, that wasn't very nice. He new i told the truth when i is drunk. I told him the truth...just not all of it HEHE! Ah, boy i'm gonna sure laugh at this when i read it tomorrow ( if my hangover isnt too bad). I dunno what to do now...it's almost 9 and i'm boreddddd!!! I'm never bored when i is drunk....but no ones called me tonite *cries*. Awwww. now i'm getting sad. Last time i was drunk and got sad i when and got one of my step-dad's guns and held it to my head....i came so close to just pulling the trigger. Hmm, i should have. I should do that now....no one here to love me. I'm so alone. *Pause* God
No, i'm crying now....please ihope i can stay away from the guns tonite. I don't want to kill myself in such a messy way. I wish i knew where the tylenol was....maybe i'll go shopping after school friday and buy me that like supper mondo pack i saw when i was shoping withi karyn. I dont know...i wish i coudl make it look like an accident. Hmm...maybe i can, who's to say i don't oops...step out in front of a car while in California??! Hmm, dunno...thinking maybe i'll make lithium like Josh does and just take lots of it. I don't need to keep my promise anymore. There will be no guilt if i'm dead, right? Time to go look at the guns. Bye.

12/17/98:
Why can't i just fucking die? i want so much to be dead right now. i want to kill myself so bad...i just want to be gone from this hell! i cut my wrist this morning...i just wanted to see it bleed so bad. i want to die :( life isn't worth anything, especially not worth all the hurting and the pain. i don't want to put up with it anymore. please, why can't i just die!! Bye.