The End


My tears roll down my cheeks, my nose red from the sniffles. My eyes swollen from my continuous flow of tears and my heart...broken. I sit here now and reminisce on how much in love that I once was and that I was fortunate enough to experience it. It wasn’t always so bad. I had it good. Really good. We met, became friends, became more, and fell in love. And during that year, we went through many great times, made loving memories and a lasting bond. He tried to teach me how to skate and I tried to show him how to open up. We worked well together, despite our numerous differences. I was his sun and he was my evening sky. But together, we made the stars shine brightly above. He was my first true love and the first person I will always love despite the circumstances I am presently at. We had a good relationship.
Overall, my first was a great success...overall. We rarely argued, we always made up quickly, and we always compromised on even the smallest of things - like what movie to rent on a Saturday night. He made me feel important and wonderful, and... sexy. I had never been that before. But, I was, to him. The little things are what are most painful now. The way he called me his ‘Little Munchkin’, his little hand squeezes or my forehead kisses. The way he ran his fingers along my back when we sat together or the way he looked at me with those transcending eyes of honey. It hurts that he is not here to soothe my tears, to hold me close and tell me he loves me. But, if he were here to do that, I wouldn’t be miserable at all. After all, he made it this way. It was his decision to quit being an ‘us.’ Although I take most of the blame in the reason for an end, I never would have guessed he would have actually ‘ended’ it. My stubbornness, my taking for granted that he would never hurt me, my wall.... had now all crumbled to tears and tissue and late night loneliness. I just knew if we worked on it, we would be okay. I was wrong. Instead, we broke up. We ended a very special relationship that will never be replaced.
Now, I sit here, eyes dry with tears dribbled onto the collar of my shirt. I think of him, of us, of everything that has happened in the past year. I kick myself for not changing some of my ways, for not speaking up or asking before if anything was wrong. I blame myself for him falling out of love... or whatever he did. Confusion mostly. I don’t know where we are, or where we’re going... if that’s anywhere. Ironically, the song that interprets the whole meaning of ‘where we are now’ just happens to come onto the radio. I think of what could happen... the good of it. The outcome after this is all over. I pray for another chance. I am not a big prayer person because I seem to be impatient for a response... most of the time never coming. And so, I sit here, confused and shaken. In shock. Did I really just lose him? Is it really over? Why don’t I get a chance to change? I’ve been in relationships before. But none ever this intense, this serious, this lasting, or this in love. And although I was sad, I recovered quickly. With this, it will take many, many months. And I am not prepared to deal with the loss now. With so much coming into my life in the next year, I can’t deal with a loss. It will be too complicated. But, we always seem to get the bad at the wrong time, when things seem to be going so well. And just when you say to yourself “I am so happy. Things are perfect... OOPS.” And by then, it is too late.. the jinx is out and it’s headed for YOU. I did this. And now I regret it.
I should’ve noticed that my stomach butterflies that evening, before anything had taken place, weren’t my usual little-giddy-girl butterflies. These were serious... something bad was about to happen... and I was right. He called me and his voice was low. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” I was in shock, but almost a denial as well. I knew we would work it out. I knew we would be okay. Because this had never happened before and I knew we were able to work through anything. Besides, it was US. Previous quarrels did not count with this one. It was over. I rushed over to his house. I had to see him in person. Maybe my tears were so heavy or I was too filled with thoughts of denial. Whatever it was, I did not want to actually realize I had just lost my first true love. And as memories flashed through my mind, I clenched tightly to his hand and asked him not to do this to me. His cold eyes remained downward and he seemed so unhurt. Unemotional - this also added to my pain. I did what one should not do as a relationship ends. I begged him. I begged for a long time. I bargained with him and pleaded. But with failure, I left after an hour of sobbing, begging and a not wanting to end it. I went home and worried myself all night long. I woke up in the morning and, wrong thing again... I called him. And for the first time, I thought it did me good to call him. He asked me to come over.
As I walked up to his door, he squeezed me tightly, crying and telling me how sorry he was for doing what he did. He promised not to ever hurt me again and that we could not be without each other. I knew we would be okay afterwards. I was wrong. As the day went on, I did not talk to him. And my stomach butterflies returned. Everyone told me I had nothing to worry about, that I got him back, and things were fine. But I knew those kinds of butterflies. The wrong kinds. And the next morning I got a phone call. It was him. And once again, my gut feeling had won. He was breaking up with me, again. For a second time, my heart was ripped out and thrown across the room. And once again, I begged him. After growing tired of crying, I let him go. I told him that when he was ready, he could return and I would be waiting with open arms. He made me promise him to remain his close friend and not to hurt myself. He also promised me that when he got his time away from me, he would return. I became depressed in a minute.
My world was suddenly turned upside down. Everything I had done in the past year was over. Every fun time, every laugh, every kiss was erased. I sulked all day long in a daze, in deep pain, loss, and remorse. It felt almost like I had lost him to death. I was with him at one time and he was gone before I knew it. And I could do nothing to change it. My eyes were almost swollen shut, my tears kept my face permanently damp. I hadn’t eaten and I was becoming weak. Despite this, I still walked around as if I had lost my best friend. And I did. I lost the closest person to me. Not even my best girl friend had become as close to me in seven years as he did in a year. I know he is my soulmate. One night he told me the same. I wonder what he thinks now? Am I still his soulmate or was that so he could just get a goodnight kiss? No, that’s not him. He would never intentionally hurt me. He was just an all around nice guy. He ended us for a reason. I just wish the reason was clear enough to accept. Three words a girl never wants to hear, but seems to more than not: I need space. I never thought it would happen. I never thought he’d feel smothered. I never knew he was in such pain. He told me how much it hurt him to do what he was doing, but that he needed time to himself to keep sane. I was with him every chance I got. I was always wanting to know of his whereabouts, who he was with and if he was thinking of me. I didn’t mean to make it as if I were a stalker. But I was so in love with him that I didn’t see what I was doing as wrong. I didn’t know that if I gave him just a little time alone that it didn’t mean he would forget about me. Because he loved me. He thought of me. But I didn’t know then. I was selfish. I wanted him and only him. I didn’t see that we needed balance, space, time apart occasionally. I thought lovers ALWAYS were to be together. That’s why they were in love. I was wrong.
A lesson I had to learn very quickly... but not quick enough. And so, I sit here now... awaiting for him to have his free time and return to me. It’s not the best thing to sit around a cry and feel sorry for oneself, but I can’t do much else right now. He is all I can think about and pray about. I want to keep my mind off of him, but it is next to impossible. To have someone change your life so much in a year’s time and to show you how to fall in love and how to be in love... and then how to be hurt from it means everything. Yes, even the hurt does. Because, I don’t see it now, but I know that in time it will get easier, and I will hurt less. One day. A chance is still out there, but for now I will just sit back and find other things to occupy my mind. Although it will be hard without him, almost impossibly hard, I have to go on. I can’t sit around and waste my time. After all, he wants friendship, he begged for a close friendship. And I will give him friendship. But, as I realized today as I visited my ‘friend’ at work, this isn’t always easy. I still see him with so much love. I still want to kiss him, I still want him to hold me, I still want to hear and say “I love you.” Instead, he says “what’s up?” and pats me on my back. He says he’s been busy and asks how I am, like he really cares. Awkwardness sets in between us... at least on my side. I think about what I could’ve done or said. Or what it was I know I shouldn’t have done. And if I did so, would any of this have ever happened. I have always been one to believe in the “everything happens for a reason” motto, so I have to listen to myself and figure this happened for something. I just need to know what.
So, it doesn’t matter if I could go back and change what was. Either way, this would have come sometime. Sometimes I’m bitter and moody around others. I take out my pain in anger rather than tears. I know all of my feelings are normal and more than welcome to be taken out. But I wish I didn’t hurt other people in the process. After all, they are the ones that were there for me the moment I shed my first tear. I’m sure though, that they understand my pain. Everyone has been there, or will be there. It was just my turn. In every relationship, a lesson is to be learned. And in turn, each lesson and with each relationship, you grow and take it along with you. It makes us who we are. It shapes us. Much like a rock that becomes weathered, we too, become weathered over time. Our bumps and lumps - our imperfections eventually work themselves out and all is well again. I guess, through all of this I have to say that despite my millions of tears, through all of my pain and long nights awake, the lesson I learned was to love, but not take it for granted. And to be thankful for receiving love in the first place. Some people go through life never knowing what love is. I did. And now I know what people mean when they say it is beautiful. Love is like nothing else. And whereas you love your family and friends, love in a relationship of this liking is different. Special. Unique. And forevermore will it be in your heart. No matter how many more loves will come in and out of your life, that one piece of your heart will still be for your ‘first love’ to always cherish. He meant a lot to me. He was everything in my life. And I will always love him. Always. Besides, I was his ‘Little Munchkin,’ and no one else will ever be that!

Questions or comments? Send them to me please: