Random Thoughts by Me

*Is it because you're irresistible? Is it because being within sight of one another, it is impossible to go without being closer? No matter how many times I try to convince myself I don't have to take you into me, I let you every time.
And I never regret those times, but for some reason a small part of me tries to fight it. It is a losing battle and I know it. yet I still try to tell myself to stop. I indulge in the guilty pleasures of such acts and revel in it. We have this chemical bond that started long ago, and while most of the flame is burnt out, there is a small flicker of ash remaining on the ground that we cannot smother. We simply ignite it more and more with each touch after the fact. Eventually, we’ll have a small fire again and wonder where it is leading us. Should it take us to something more once again? Or shall we find a way once and for all to extinguish the everlasting flame? Why is it we never really tried to get rid of it completely? Is it of love, of passion, or of lust? Or is it a combination of it all?
Look into my eyes and I will do the same for you - it is obvious, it is evident - you’re heart still yearns for that love we once shared. Yet I no longer ask why. I just accept it and continue on with life thinking ‘maybe it will happen again.’ But until then, until our flame is fully ignited, we both must go on our separate journeys exploring new lands, new ideas, new worlds. Without which, we couldn’t come back to one another and realize we are meant to be.
Are we meant to be? If not, why are we wasting time playing these games? No one knows but the road ahead. When it forks, what are we to do? Has it done so already and we were blinded to choose a path, rather, we followed our hearts and wound up only with more questions of ‘what now?’ If we choose the same road, does that mean destiny has made us one? Or, if we choose opposite roads, are we destined to meet later on? What if one tries to go backwards? Is it possible to look to the past for answers to the futures questions? But if we thought about it, couldn’t we create a new road; a new path to go on, together or separate? -me


*When is it ever certain that you are able to fully trust? how do you know when things wont turn around and bite you in the ass rather than keep you smiling while underneath you are slowly deteriorating inside and you're every inch of self worth is put on the line. So, is it better to trust unknowingly, with a half hearted-ast smile, or know the truth, and be miserable, but satisfied for being right?


*Sometimes things seem to just come together. You don't know how. And it is always unexpected. But there comes a time in everyone's life when they make an incredible realization that makes it all okay to go on with your head up.


We say its over. We say no more. Its been over, yet there is still something, some magical pull that draws us near. If there is nothing left, why do we still talk everyday? We do we still laugh at each others jokes and smile when we're in each others company?
Tell me, dear heart, you know there is something left for us. But time is the only thing we are waiting on. Why cant we fast forward time? Why cant we figure out what it is we truly are to one another? Lets stop playing games and realize if its meant to be, let it be now, not later. What if one of us dont live to see tomorrow? Will the other forever regret not saying what was meant to be said today? Our hearts still beat as one, no matter how hard we fight against it. We lose everytime...


In a course of time, many things can change, including people. So, why when you were so much of one thing, can you completely turn around and be something so much better? If only all people could follow your path. Sadly, most do just the opposite - going from good to worse. And no matter how hard I try, they wont change back again. Shall we continue on, or stick around and keep trying? If theres no point, why am I still here and why does he keep asking for my help?


Does there ever come a point when you can look at him and feel absolutely nothing? Is there ever a point where it is too late to stop loving someone? Even if you want to, even if you use every inch of your will power, is it possible to still care for someone so much? Even if a relationship is no longer wanted, why do you still miss him? Is it because you miss what he once was? Is it because you miss what you two had together?
Time changes all things. We both have changed since the time we were one. He has gone his way, I have gone mine. We have grown, more or less so. One of us for the better, and one of us leading to a life of only half-fulfilled dreams. So, why, when he has given up on his dreams and hopes should I still be here trying to help? Is it because I realize how important I am to him and how much he needs me to support him? Because he knows deep down I am the only person that will ever truly care for him and help him make a better choice than those he is making now? Will he one day realize all of the truths I have been telling him - and sink it into his mind what is right and wrong? Will he grow up and mature and become a man? If so, then what?
Will he still need me? Will he still need my positive support? Or can he make it on his own? And what shall I do until then? Wait, or move along with my own life? And if he stays the same, or only gets farther into that which is no good, would it have been a waste of time for me to stick around for so long? Who is to say what the future holds? But most people, once changed for the worst, rarely turn back for the better. Will he be an exception? Honestly, the truth is, I don’t think so. I only feel that he will continue on his path of miniscule destruction. He can be so much better, so why does he not have the faith in himself to do it? What is stopping him from growing into manhood?
So, in answer to the first question, the truth is, there will never be a time when you can look at him, and feel nothing. For there is a history so deep between the two of us that a lasting bond is forever formed. I once read how people come into your lives for reasons, seasons, or lifetimes. Sometimes I wonder whether I am a ‘reason’ or a ‘lifetime.’ At this rate, I think it is the latter, however, so far, I have been nothing but a reason. Someone for him to fall back upon when all else fails.
But why do I deserve to be second-rate? Why can’t I tell him to solve his own problems and go about his own life without looking to me? He keeps me close, right under his wing to make sure, when he’s ready (if he’s ready), that I will still be there. In his heart, he knows I am the one. But time can only tell. And time right now for me is none to waste. So, is it the time that I finally push away, break free, and realize I am not his prize. I am not part of his game of ‘having his cake and eating it too.’ I deserve more. I don’t need to be there everytime he needs me for support. He had his chance to have me before.
But time has pressed forward, and I am progressing farther in my life without his help. Maybe now is when I say it. Now is when the line between relationship, friendship, and nothing is drawn. For a year and a half now, we have had such a tricky friendship, with benefits, more or less. And on the same token, I love him just as much. I don’t necessarily like what he has become, but that can’t change how I feel for him. I think what I truly miss is who he once was, but not who he has turned into. So, now that I accept the fact that I don’t like him at present day, why can’t I just continue with that thought and stop loving him altogether? Will there ever be a point in my life where I can confidently say once and for all that I am ‘over him?’ Sometimes I worry there won’t.
No matter how many guys come in and out of my life, I don’t think they will ever add up to how happy he made me. Maybe that is why I fear leaving him behind to face the big bad world. What if he IS all I ever get? Then will I be making a mistake by leaving him behind? Maybe that is what I fear most, making the wrong decision. What if he needs me and I am not there? Will I forever feel guilty for doing so? There is so much confusion here. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be at a point in my life where trying to stop loving someone would get me nowhere. If it hasn’t happened yet, will it ever?

yeah that was a lot... :) Back to Main