School Humor
Excuses from Parents to Teachers
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt
in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.
New Endings to Old Sayings
Day Dreaming In Class
In a classroom pupils were asked to always write in silence. One day
the teacher dozed off and was awakened by some of the pupils making
noise. To cover her embarrassment she said, "It was always my wish to
meet the scholar Plato and, a while ago, I did see him in my dream."
The next day a pupil dozed off while listening to the teacher's long
lecture.
Upon seeing the sleeping child, the teacher woke him up and
rebuked him. "Why are you sleeping during the lecture?"
The pupil answered, "I also went to see the scholar Plato."
The teacher asked, "And what did Plato say?"
And the pupil replied, "Plato said he did not meet with you yesterday."
Watch Out!
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her
Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she
started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there
was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She
quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days." The teacher turns back to the
chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the
assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male
student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment
is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she
turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This
time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "
Well teacher,from what I just saw, my school days are over."
Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His teacher
noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Your shoes
are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "You can't kid
me. I KNOW they're my feet."
To use the bathroom...
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone
has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
Kids and Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders.
They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting
information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came
to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the
sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still
manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north
and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants
to go.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you
should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are
twice as many H's as O's.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,
and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be
called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we
breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill
the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other
places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
Sammy's Field Trip
Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin
board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister,
why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
The Warning
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently correct the child. Smiling
sweetly, the 2nd grade teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child,
I was told that if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Do you think you're stupid Johnny?
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself."
English is a Crazy Language,by Richard Lederer
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese... One blouse, 2
blice?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you
bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same, while a "wise man"
and "wise guy" are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
while "quite a lot" and "quite a few" are alike? How can the weather be "hot
as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who
are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up
this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault, the silly language
doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.
Do you know who I am?
The following story is told about a college course taught in a large
lecture hall with a few hundred students enrolled.
During administration of the final exam, a student sitting near the
back, far from the professor, began boldly pulling out textbooks and
notes, obviously looking up answers and cheating on the test. The
professor noticed immediately, because the student was making no
effort to conceal his actions, but was so amazed, he decided to
see just how bold this student would be.
When he was finished, the student made his way down to the front of the
room to add his test to the considerable pile of completed exams.
The professor, somewhat astonished, told the student, "Hold on
there, I'll take your exam. You were cheating, and you fail the course."
The student was shocked. "Do you know who I am?!" he demanded.
The professor was now becoming annoyed at the student's snotty attitude.
"No, I haven't the slightest idea who you are, but..."
Before the professor could finish his speech, the student stuck his exam
into the middle of the pile and ran out of the room.
Why do fire stations have dalmations?
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another,"he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
10 words that don't exist, but should...
You might be an elementary teacher if...
Wake up!
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I SHOULD go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Little Tommy at Catholic School
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of.
Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes
straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother
is amazed.
She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is
back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings
home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at
it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math.
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
Well then, she replies, "Was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? WHAT was it?
Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
fooling around.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
Sauce unknown
Owed to a Spell Chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin Knot Sea.
Eye strikes a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye has run this poem thew it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
