Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.
"Is your Daddy home?"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He
dialed the employee's home phone number.
A child whispered, " Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to
a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
To his surprise, the small voice whispered, " No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, " Is your Mommy there?"
" Yes" came the answer.
" May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, " No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child. " Is there any one there besides you?"
the boss asked the child.
" Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman."
Wondering what a
cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, " May I speak with
the policeman?"
" No, he is busy," whispered the child.
" Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the
whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
" What is that noise?"
" A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
" What is going on there?," asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, " The search team just
landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
" Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, " They are looking for me!"
In the labor room...
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to
give birth and the doctor told them that he'd
developed a new machine and asked if they'd
like to try it out. The machine could take some
of the pain of childbirth from the mother and
give it to the father to ease the mother's
burden.
Well, they thought that was a good idea
and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set
it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that
even 10% was probably more pain than he'd ever
experienced. But the man was surprised at how
little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor
to raise it. So he put it up to 20% and when
the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50%
and finally 100%.
After it was over, the man
stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his
wife felt fine. The wife was relieved at having
an almost painless labor.
Later, when they took the baby home, they found
the mailman dead on their doorstep.
Dust to dust
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to
the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
" Pastor," Johnny says, " I heard you say today that our bodies came
from the dust."
" That's right, Johnny, I did."
" And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
" Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
" Well you better come over to our house right away and look under
my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
" Mommy, will you sleep with me?"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice,
" Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. " I can't
dear," she said. " I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying,
" The big sissy."
" We learned how to make babies"
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, " Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
" That's interesting," she said, " How do you make babies?"
" It's simple," replied the girl. " You just change 'y' to 'i' and
add 'es'."
Children's Letters to God
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but
not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. HAHA
-Danny
Dear God, If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you
anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
Dear God, If we come back as something - please don't
let me be Jennifer because I don't like her.
-Denise
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything else
before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
Dear God, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was
supposed to be our day of rest?
-Tom
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He
said some thing about You that people are not supposed to say, but
I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
-Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed
for was a puppy.
-Joyce
Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto
you"? Because if you did, then I'm really going to fix my
brother.
-Darla
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought
You had everything.
-Jane
Dear God, , I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay?
-Neil
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make
new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
accident?
-Norma
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his
bowling words in the house?
-Anita
Dear God, Are you invisible or it that just a trick?
-Lucy
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
Dear God, In school they told us what YOU do. Who
does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
You Know You're the Mommy When...
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Your kid throws up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on
a plate without anything touching.
Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of
Grand Central Station and you do it.
You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast
into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"NOT in your good clothes!"
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then
spend half the night checking on the kids.
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't
trade it for anything.
Children's Prayers:
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during
the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some
sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father
picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold".
At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you
called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what
they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father,who art in
Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of
the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and
after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered
soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest,
and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one
less test I have to take."
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy
and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of
yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little
boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy,
don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
Don't mention anything!
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the
woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices.
I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I
wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband
showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could
drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the
garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he
shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house
chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my
son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front
of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't
know."
Great truths about life learned as a child
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Special Occasions
My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her
first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed
one of the cabinet doors were ajar. So I read the box in the
cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping
napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told
me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and
my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for
Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were
gone. Mine was to set the table.
You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first
and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who
gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared
with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment
when she saw each place setting on the table with a
"special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails
in so they didn't hang off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my
response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!
10 Children's Property Laws
If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If I think it's mine, it's mine.
If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.
Funny Quotes About Kids
Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights!
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes
in it.
Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he
came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put
on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off!
Ahhhh, what is a home without children? PAID FOR!!!
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Who's the Boss?
One evening a preschooler, Kristel, and her parents were sitting on the
couch chatting. Kristel asked, "Daddy, you're the boss of the house,
right?"
Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house."
But Kristel added "Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh Daddy?"
The First Train Ride
It was Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the
succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical
astonishment.
The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its
whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise
from the corner where Anthony was kneeling. Suddenly the train
rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in
wonder.
"It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
I'm gonna look like you, Mommy!
A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother
was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she
announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always
use."
Doctor's daughter
My wife is a pediatrician and one day on the way to preschool,
my daughter saw her stethoscope on the car seat and began playing
with it. In my heart, I wondered how my daughter wants to follow
in my wife's footsteps! Then she spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
On Sharing Pancakes
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over
who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. She said, "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the
first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
God with Adam and Eve
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend
to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering
why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes
later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern
was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in
this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it
would be a piece of cake for you?
Letter From Mom
Dear Son,
I am writing this real slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address cause the last family that
lived here took the #'s with them for their next house so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Susie said it would be
a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so I
cut them off and put them in the pockets.
About your sister--she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an aunt or
uncle.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was
driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out--he
rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned.
They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Uncle Johnny fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off so he drowned. When we cremated him, he
burned for three days.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happenned. Write more
often.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already
sealed.
Mother of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home,
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Using the 10 Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father
and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
Parenting Humor 
