Samantha no longer has to hide in a corner, afraid that her father might hit her mom again while he yells obscenities. Jonathan no longer has a strange feeling that his dad is keeping a secret from his mom. Peter does not feel quite so alone any more. His parents are no longer distracted by their most recent argument. During visitations Jenny, for the first time in her life, has her father's undivided attention. The scenarios reflect some of the beneficial changes children can experience when their parents unhappy marriage breaks up.

There is a myth that single parents cannot raise emotionally healthy children. The myth is that children of single parents cannot be as well adjusted as children from intact families. The fact is researchers have found that children from conflict-free broken homes have fewer problems than children from conflictual unbroken homes.

The critical ingredient in enduring childhood problems is turmoil between parents. Such turmoil can be present in intact families as well as in separated co-parents. According to child analyst Stephanie Roth, to develop into an emotionally healthy adult, a child only needs a healthy relationship with one parent.

A good relationship with one parent can buffer a child from the detrimental effects of marital discord and divorce. A healthy relationship is one in which the child has confidence in the availability and responsiveness of his primary attachment figure. It appears the REAL myth is that parents should stay together for the children's sake Children of single parents may appear to be less well adjusted if they're observed immediately after the separation. Subsequent to their parents' separation, children undergo a time-limited natural distress period.

Optimally, the period of distress is a three stage reaction in which children are at first acutely upset, secondly apathetic or depressed and lastly, they adjust to the new situation. During the period following the parents' separation, children have to adapt to many life changes, i.e., actual separation from either parent, changes in financial status, modified house rules and a single parent family lifestyle. These changes take time to be negotiated. Divorcing parents need to "optimize" their children's chances for a healthy readjustment by striving for a "conflict-free" divorce!

Diana Taylor Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist working in the area of attachment, separation and divorce. For fifteen years she has helped hundreds of clients take the necessary steps to move on with their lives. Dr. Taylor runs Divorce Support Group out of her office in West Los Angeles at 10780 Santa Monica Blvd. Suite 250, (310) 475-5875.