Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Will Rogers never met a lawyer. Never play leap frog with a unicorn. Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal. I'm not so think as you drunk I am. A fool and his money are soon partying. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep Got kleptomania? Take something for it. Illiterate? Write for help. Honk if anything falls off. I fought the lawn and the lawn won Save the whales. Collect the whole set. So many fools, so few comets My other car has better bumper stickers If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You 1,000,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?? Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot. Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha This Would Be Really Funny... If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere Cover me, I'm changing lanes I brake for no apparent reason Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still stupid Few women admit their age and fewer men act it CAUTION: I drive like you do Politicians are like diapers. They both need to be changed frequently ...for the same reason. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Hang up and drive. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & Those who can't. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?