Christ, the stupid rules I have to follow at this job, I'm now unable to play logic puzzle games, or update my diary while I'm waiting for the next call. I Think this stinks. I think this keyboard needs a new space bar. I think Eileen needs a new job, althogh today is the best day I've had so far. I mean I really don't hate it today. But my back is really hurting. I took a half a pill and it still hurts, I wonder if I should take the other half, I'mgoing out drinkingtonight,so I maybe shouldn't, ah, what the hell, I'll take it and go easy on the drinking, I need something to ease the pain between nowand 9:15. This website is going to suck, I really just needded something to do. Let me tell youabout myself. I hate when the spacebar doesn't workwell on a computer. I love lots of things, especially yellow things, and my family, and Ryan...my sweetheart, my jeans I'm wearing today, but they're slowly dying...but not really so slowly. Idon't feel liket yping anymore, this space bar is pissing me off. I'm pretty cranky right now. ------------------------------------------- not so cranky today. I have a message for ryan. QF BAGIHSX GFAS, FED VGHSX HQQZAJDGAVIZ JDSJPHSZ OE QF IHWZ. ZACP BAF H RAMZ DT RHOP A JTZCHAI IHXPO HSJHBZ OPAO H OPHSM FED TDO OPZGZ OE GZTIACZ OPZ PZAGO FED JOEIZ. you'll have to decode it. Work is okay, maybe I don't hate it. MAybe It'll be okay for a while. I'm going to look for other jobs, but not too hard. Maybe I can stick this out till april or may when I can go back to evergreen. Maybe. 7777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777 ryan, do you see this? I think that you can write here too...and I can check it. this is how we can talk. it's like we have to find a way around the system...the second thing today to remind me of brave new world.
SO I think I really hate my job. I also think I am pmsy today. I feel like everything is shitty and my life is never really going to go anywhere. Well, okay, I don't feel that I just feel like I'm never going to feel capable and responsible. Why is it that there's sometimes this voice inside me that's telling me I have to work harder and know what I want and go out there and get it. Maybe because that voice is right. But why the hell can't that voice tell me what I want to do? I want to be a bartender. I want to live where I can work anywhere without having to speak a different language. I want to be able to speak french but not so much that I actually will take the time and effort to learn it. I wish I could go back in time and not have gone to school and not have to have this stupid expectation and guilt. I'm pretty sure my emotions are just over riding my real self. But I do feel this way a little bit inside. I wonder if it's like this for other people? Does everyone get lost? Why do I have to feel this way now, this week when everything is so weird with everything in my life. duh, I guess cause that's what it is. Everything feels weird, and a little uncomfortable, and I want to run away. I want to start over.
A new day. I was very early for work, because I was not paying attention to the time. Ryan came and took me for a walk. I needed it more than he knows. I've been feeling down lately, as maybe is obvious from the last entry. I'll be okay though, a walk in the rain with the love of my life can still make me smile, so Iknow I'm not that far gone.
