ALERT: TRASHCAN NEXT CORNER

What They Don’t Teach You In Schools…

- What It Is

- How It’s Dangerous

- And Why…


A silent killer around today’s youth is not soda or fatty foods, nor is it cell phone radiation. It is rather what you throw these objects (Once consumed, respectively) into when you are done. The common trashcan represents a serious problem in our society, and yet they are still an integral part of daily life. Why is the trashcan so dangerous? Why do schools and workplaces continue to use them?

A common misconception is that trashcans are mammals, and they are inanimate objects. But upon closer examination, one will find that the most prominent animal that takes shelter in and on the trashcan is bacterium. This makes up the majority of life on the can itself (“can” is used for literary purposes, but there are many genus and species of cans that encompass metal, rubber, silicon, plastic, and any other durable yet edible materials that were used or will be used to make Chinese army men) and is not classified under the kingdom animalia. This is because bacterium can not swim or fetch a stick, star in a Disney movie, or digest liquids. Therefore, it can not be mammal. One may think that it can digest liquids because of a common preschool experiment called “Where’d that KoolAid go?” in which one student would pour a red or grape colored liquid into a trashcan and observe the effects while dancing in circles. Since toddlers give off more heatwaves than the average lumberjack, it caused evaporation inside the trashcan. Therefore, it does not consume liquid. It is not inanimate because trashcans are moved quite often (When human help arrives!) in order to get rid of the stench and contents. A smartly-mean small boy may question, “But then aren’t all things animate?” To which a single word disproves: Sponge. Many sponges are too large to even make a dent with human knuckles. Dork.

Ask yourself: Where is the most common place for a trashcan to be placed? Is it safely in a recess in the wall? No. Instead, some jerks think they be actin’ by placing the receptacles right around corners. What kind of person would do this? The answer can be seen in extra state funds given to schools with high sickness rates, as well as high injury rates. One example of this is the hallways at Henry M. Jackson High School. Because the designers originally were from Sub-Saharan Africa and were really short (A mix of Niger-Kongo and Pygmy), the hallways looked large enough to them. For a while they worked as the population was small. However, when a cataclysmic bomb went off in Eurasia, the ensuing famine brought to Jackson a diverse and burgeoning new crowd of students. These kids multiplied within a few years (not at school you perv!) and they reproduced at the rate u₀ = 400, u_n=(1+0.5)u_n-1+15 where n is more than or equal to 1 each month! Within a few million years, the hallways became so packed a person could not even give a handshake in the hallways. Where would style be without HallHandshakes? Nonexistent. The extremity of this dilemma is shown by the many cuts and bruises of the children unfortunate enough to be smeared against the wall on the turn. It is these people that are forced to run into the trashcan parked on the corner. Are these cans made of rubber or silicon? He(ck) no! They are very much metal! If such metal were to come to a heat of 90+ºcelcius, prolonged skin exposure would produce severe 1/2 degree burns. Is this cruel and absurd? He(ck) yes!

How Can I Protect Myself?

Besides wearing shin pads and a bullet proof vest, there are less extreme ways to protect yourself. A common way in Cincinnati is to break a leg and confine yourself to a wheelchair. This effectively prevents people from squishing you in the corner. I mean, unless you are retarded and really like doing jumping jacks, people will leave you alone. It is a known fact that once people get out of the wheel chair they will kick your (deleted). The second way to decrease your risk of being pushed into the “trashcan-zone” (From the popular song “Stay out of the Can-Zone!”) is to follow a special diet that is both known to increase your size and center of gravity. This Diet Fit For viKings allows you to move effortlessly through the halls. The final way is to pay close attention to your surroundings. Following the guidelines below could save your life, or shin.

1. Stop, Look, Listen, Smell
When you are cruising down the hall with an amigo, it is easy to not see the trashcan since there is a large wall in the way. Because you will most likely be not paying attention, when you turn the corner, you will promptly embarrass the trashcan and yourself. Respect. Please, before each turn, stop and look around to see if there is a can. Also, listen for the sound of footsteps, which could mean A) The cops are behind you or B) There are people. A good and courageous way to test for trashcans without looking is to throw a slinky around the corner, hoping it will rebound off the wall and hit the can. Do this a few hundred times to make sure you have results. Then listen for the metallic ring as contact is made. A final step is to smell for discarded gum, paper, and Mountain Dew bottles (most common 3 food groups of high school students).
2. Take WIIIIDE TURNS
In order to ensure a wide turn, place 9 unsharpened #2 pencils in a row and step along side of these. If you were to get any closer, a sudden rush of wind from an open door could topple you onto the can, knocking out teeth and the like.
3. Double Take
After passing a trashcan, do a double take to make sure it isn’t following you. Since they are inanimate objects if a meanly-smart person is nearby, who is to say it won’t attack you around a once-safe corner?
4. Carry A Welding Tool
Besides the obvious “bling-age” and clout you get when carrying something like a soldering iron, can opener, or welding tool, it is also useful for destroying trashcans (and breaking into Gatorade Machines!).
5. Stay Away from Steven, Jack, and Corrine
Because the first two are very inept at doors and trashcans, respectively, they would be unwise guides.